STFU, Rape Culture!

Anon said:

i constantly struggle with accepting my rape, and talking to others about it because it wasn’t what most people picture when they think about rape. I was 15 and black out drunk. I had said no earlier in the night, before he managed to get me so drunk i could barely walk. I didnt even realize that it was rape until over a year later. because i was so bullied and tormented for it, while he just laughed about it with his friends. even my current boyfriend doesnt seem to believe me and that sucks.

I’m so sorry. I don’t know why people are so resistant to the fact that sex with someone who is intoxicated is rape. If your boyfriend, or any of your friends or loved ones for that matter, does not 100% believe and support you as a survivor, he doesn’t deserve to be in your life.

Anon said:

A while ago a friend (a guy I have a lot of mutual friends with and always ended up hanging out with) and I ended up making out in our underwear after a night out drinking. We were both really drunk. I remember him touching me and trying to make me touch his penis. (it was the first time I’ve ever had sexual contact with anyone). I said I didin’t feel comfortable and he stopped. The thing is that I remember him waking me up by trying again and again and touching me again. I said no and he would stop but then try again. (He might have tried 3,4 times until he stopped completely). It didin’t bother me first, he asked me if I was ok with everything that had happend the day after. We fooled around one more time after that when I gave him my consent. It has started to bother me a lot lately, even if he was just trying and it didin’t really lead anywhere. Am i overreacting? I don’t think he’s a bad guy but it makes me feel weird.

No, you’re not overreacting. A refusal should be respected the first time you give it. If someone keeps touching you repeatedly and you have to keep saying no, that is sexual assault. This is an issue because a lot of people think that even if you said no three times, and finally you give in on the fourth, it is consent. But in reality, consent that is given after you see that your answer is not going to be respected is not really consent.

You don’t have to think or feel any specific way about what happened—I just want you to know that if you feel weird or bothered about this—that’s not an overreaction.

Anon asked:

A couple of days ago I went out at a hookah bar and guy there asked me to sit on his lap and I said no, and then he’s like lets go down stair and I kept on saying no I just want to go to bed, and then he just picked me up and carried me down there and then raped me, I then got up and then left I had to call everybody or anybody to come pick me up I was crying, and I just said I had a bad time what should I do?

First, I would say go to your doctor, or to a place like Planned Parenthood, so you can get medically checked out (for things like STDs and/or pregnancy). It might also help to talk with a rape crisis counselor about what happened, because I think it’s usually better to talk about your feelings and have some help when you’re processing something traumatic like this. You don’t have to tell anyone you know in real life, if you don’t want to or you’re not ready. Legally, if you want to, you can also file a report with the police. If you’re unsure, this is something a counselor could help you think about and decide as well. I’m so sorry this happened to you. Followers, if you have anything else helpful to suggest to anon, please chime in!

Anon asked:

Hello, I’m having a little trouble with a friend who uses “rape” as a metaphor for completely unrelated things. I finally called him out on it last night and we fought. He’s a really good friend and I’ve known him for 15 years! Deep down he has a good heart but he’s still in the 12-year old boy mentality it seems. I don’t want this to ruin our relationship, but I want to establish to him that he shouldn’t devalue the word by using it inappropriately. What else can I do to get my message across?

And:

Following up about my friend who uses rape as a metaphor - he told me that I was overreacting and that it was MY problem that I was offended by his use of the word. I have no idea what to say to that.

People ask me a lot what to do about their douchey friends to make them less douchey, and I never really have an answer because I just cut people off when they act like this. You already tried to explain it and he somehow managed to act even worse. Other people have suggestions?

Anon said:

I am female and almost 17 years old and my adoptive dad likes messing with me. Tickling, picking me up, giving me inappropriate wedgies, etc. He pulls my underwear all the time when roughhousing; I don’t like it, especially when he gives me “frontal wedgies” by yanking my underwear up the front of my crotch, and that hurts. I always tell him to stop, I don’t always like roughhousing, but he either ignores me or asks playfully, “Why?” A few weeks ago, he tried taking my pants off and nearly took my underwear off; I had to hold them to keep them from coming off. I have several pieces of underwear that have rips in the seams from him yanking on them. I don’t like it; rather than laughing at the games, it comes out as a sort-of weird whimper-laughs. I hate laughing, but tickling just does that. I’ve never told my adoptive mom any of these things, how it makes me uncomfortable, because we do not have much any kind of good relationship. I almost know for sure she’d just tell me off. I have four younger adoptive sisters, only one of which is biologically my folks’. I’m 17, my sisters are 14, 8, 5 and 3. I don’t know what to do; I’m simply just posting this here because I don’t know where else to.

I am leaving you anon because I am not sure you want your name attached. Please let me know and I can update this.

I have tried to consider whether there was any way that this is a case of a parent being a goofball who doesn’t really understand where appropriate boundaries are. Ultimately I think he has behavior that is definitely violating some boundaries that should be there—and I think your discomfort is the best evidence that something is really wrong. I think parents should generally respect their children’s bodily autonomy and not touch them in any way that they don’t want—but especially when we’re talking about someone your age, it seems really inappropriate for your adoptive dad to give you wedgies, and certainly the pulling your pants almost off thing is really frightening.

To me, this kind of behavior could be grooming—which is when someone preying on a minor will start small and then gradually escalate their behavior. It makes it hard to know exactly when the line is being crossed, because if you start complaining as soon as you are the slightest bit uncomfortable, you are likely to be discounted and have people tell you that you’re overreacting. Taking your pants off seems to have been a progression in his behavior. I can’t imagine how scary this must feel, and I am so sorry that you are dealing with this.

I think help from other adults could be good—both for you and for your younger sisters (not sure from your message if his behavior is centered on you, or he does this with them too).

In regard to your adoptive mom—I think there is a chance that she could take your feelings seriously if you talked to her, and intercede for you. Even if you don’t have the best relationship, most parents (I hope most anyway), would take this kind of thing seriously. But it’s true that some people are in denial (especially when their spouse is the abusive one), and she may not. You could also talk to a teacher or an adult at school that you feel comfortable with. People working in schools are typically mandated reporters, and they are required to report suspected abuse to authorities.

If that isn’t what you want, is there a friend’s parent that you could talk to, or another relative in your family who could help you? You’re speaking up for yourself, which is already really difficult (and you are very brave to be able to do it!), but I would like to see someone else helping you. You shouldn’t have to handle it alone. And if he knows that his behavior is being noticed, that may intimidate him into stopping.

I wish I had something more to offer. I can talk to you anytime, if there is anything I can do to help you. Please just ask. Even if just to talk.

Does anyone have other suggestions to help?

Anon asked:

I recently tried reaching out to a friend my abusive ex made me block out of my life. I tried to explain the situation to her - he made me cut off a lot of ties I had to close friends and family. She said I had a choice in staying with him and should have seen how his controlling/abusive behavior was wrong. She said I should have reached out to her and it was ultimately my choice to not speak to her at that time. I feel more ashamed than before. Is her reaction valid? Sorry if this is unclear.

I think it’s valid to be hurt that a friend wasn’t present in your life, regardless of the reason. However, I don’t think it’s in any way valid to blame someone who was in an abusive relationship, for not fighting harder against their abuser to maintain a friendship with you. To me it displays a lack of understanding on how abusers work, and a stunning lack of empathy in general.

People generally do realize their abuser’s behavior is wrong, but it’s not like you can just get out super easily—that’s why we call it abuse. Even assuming that you were not financially dependent on this person, you lived separately and didn’t have any threat of physical violence to you—coercion and manipulation alone are very powerful forms of abuse. Abusers are skilled at exerting control over their partners. You have nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, you made the step to reach out to her and reconnect—and it doesn’t sound like it was easy! She is the one who should be ashamed because she is a terrible friend, and a victim blamer. I hope that you have other support in your life, from people who understand what you’ve been through. Take care.

Anon said:

I was raped by someone I had known for years and considered a close friend. I think the worst part of it, though, was having one of my best friends tell me that I obviously didn’t try hard enough to fight him. I’m still not quite sure how to take that.

I’m so sorry. :( They’re a terrible friend and they don’t deserve to be in your life. You experienced a complete betrayal of trust and something very traumatizing besides. Your friend should be there to support you, not tell you that this was your fault.

Anon asked:

Hello, I have a question. I was raped by a stranger, with whom I chose (before the incident occurred) to get intoxicated with, mainly because at that time I didn’t care what happened to me, or so I thought. I have been told many time that it wasn’t my fault but it feels like it was- also because I didn’t say no, or yes or anything because, I was so scared for my life. I did not want to have sex, but I felt I didn’t have a choice. Was this my fault? How can I stop blaming myself for everything?

I left you anon because I wasn’t sure what you’d prefer. Let me know if you’d like me to update this.

It was not your fault. Freezing is a common response to sexual assault! It’s a scary situation, and it is perfectly natural and self-preserving to freeze. As for you feeling as though you didn’t care what happened to you—two things: nobody has the right to capitalize on you being in a bad place emotionally, and your feelings about yourself do not make it your fault because they only thing that makes sexual activity okay is consent!

Blaming yourself is hard to overcome and there is no quick fix I can tell you that will really help you. I think sometimes talking with a counselor or even a good friend who can remind you that it wasn’t your fault can help. But it’s ultimately a change you have to believe yourself. I think you already know this objectively. If I told you that someone had raped me and I was afraid to resist because I was worried they would hurt me—would you blame me? I don’t think you would. You’d tell me it wasn’t my fault. You just need to believe it for yourself. It can take time.

Anon asked:

Freshman year in high school I went to my first party and was raped by one of the host’s friends. It was an awful experience and I haven’t had sex since, but when my friends ask me if I’ve had sex before I never know what to say because I’ve had intercourse with someone but it wasn’t consensual, so physically I’m not a virgin, but mentally I feel like one. So how do I convey that?

Well, virginity is more of a concept than a fact. Lots of people do not have hymens (due to injury, sports, tampon usage even)—but they have not had sex. There are also different kinds of sex (oral, manual, anal) that do not include vaginal penetration. Virginity is a very dated, heterosexist concept that does not fit many people. If it’s something that is important to you though, I think it’s okay to say you’re a virgin. Being raped is not the same thing as having sex. Or you could disclose your history, if it’s a good friend and you feel comfortable doing so. There is also really no obligation to disclose any kind of sexual history to anyone anyway—so you don’t need to explain yourself if you don’t want to. It’s really up to you what you want to say.

Anon asked:

When I was ten one of my boy classmates and I used to go to this hall bit in school and meet and one time he kept asking me to take off my underwear and feel my breasts, or what I had of them at that point. He kept asking and asking and I then said yes and then a couple of days after he got his penis out and ask me to put my mouth on it and if I didn’t he would tell the teacher about what I did - I can’t remember if I did or not. Does this class as sexual assault?

Yes. Sexual touching or sexual activity done to a young child who can’t consent is sexual assault. Other terms may be used either legally or in general use (molestation is often used, for instance)—but usually the general meaning is the same.

Anon said:

I was ‘with’ this guy and we started messing around. I asked him to stop, he said, ‘no trust me, it’ll feel good’ I Let him finger me It excalated and i told him to stop.I left crying. He reassured me everything was going to be ok, and I did nothing wrong I felt better. A few nights later, he asked if he could eat me out, I said no, i dont think so, he said ‘itll feel good, dont worry’ so i let him. It got to the point where he wanted to have sex. I said no and he tried to put it in When it wouldn’t go in, he finally stopped. I knew i didnt want it. but i kinda did. Was this rape? Molestation? Or am i just being stupid? He did say after we broke up, he was afraid I’d tell someone he’d done stuff without my consent. Sorry It wouldnt let me post all in one.

If you say no, and someone persuades you into letting them do what they want, that’s sexual assault. It sounds like he knows that too. Consent to sexual activity happens when you’re sure you want to, and you’re enthusiastic about it. If you are a little unsure, you don’t feel good about it, and you say no—as happened here to you, that’s sexual assault. You’re not stupid. You’re not overreacting. You said no, and your feelings weren’t respected. That’s sexual assault, and it’s wrong.

Anon asked:

When I was 5, I was molested by an older male cousin. My grandma caught him holding me down on a bed while he humped me. She told him to go outside while she spanked me and called me a bad girl for not fighting back, as if I liked him on top of me or something like that. My parents were horrified, but my cousin’s mom begged them not to press charges. So no one mentioned it again. I felt like my parents let me down big time; they refused to talk about it. By the time I was 9,another cousin had exposed my younger cousins and I to porn and touched us. By then, I felt I couldn’t tell b/c I’d be a snitch.  

Now, two other men in my family are known to hit on/ feel up women and younger cousins sometimes. No one calls them out on it  b/c” that’s how they are.”  The young women and younger cousins are warned not be around them  to avoid “putting themselves in a bad situation,” yet nobody reports them. I’ve never told anyone in my family what happened to me b/c the cousins that hurt me are the ones everyone looks up to. I feel like the black sheep of my family and don’t see them much unless I have to. I’m moving out of my hometown soon. But I’m worried for my cousins that’ll be left behind. If no one’s willing to talk about this issue, how many other family members will suffer in silence? I don’t want this to continue. What should I do?

I’m so sorry to hear about this. Unfortunately, it’s really common for there to be a pattern of abuse like this in families (mine included). Predators use the silence in families to prey on more and more victims. It sounds like many of the adults in your life, not just your parents, let you down rather than protecting you as they should have. I don’t think there is much legally you could do at this point, but that doesn’t mean you’re powerless to help stop this cycle and protect your cousins. There is a lot you can do, depending on how vocal you feel ready to be.

If you are already somewhat estranged from them and you don’t mind causing some (much needed) waves in the family—talk about what happened to you! This could be in the form of telling your parents everything and talking about what happened. It could be in the form of talking to the cousins around your age who you know were also molested and asking for their help in breaking the silence within your family.

This could also be in the form of talking with the younger girls in your family. Warn them—not in the ‘keep yourself out of a bad position’ victim blaming way that’s been done so far—but tell them what you know and let them know that if the men you’re talking about try this with them, it’s not their fault, it is a big deal, and you’re there for them. Be the person they know they can turn to—and the one who advocates for them when it’s necessary. It can be really hard to stand up for yourself, but sometimes easier to do it for someone else. If you hear about an incident of abuse, raise hell about it!

You are absolutely right that if no one breaks the silence, this will most likely continue. This all being said though, I would never push you to do more than you feel you can. Standing up to people who abused you can be really painful—especially since they are most likely going to minimize what happened and try to blow you off. Do what you can to help, but remember to take care of yourself. And if you decide to discuss this with other women in your family you know were abused, be sensitive to them. Even if you’ve faced what happened and you’re prepared to take a stand within the family, they may not be.

Anon said:

Yesterday, my mom told me about a woman that was repeatedly raped by her uncle when she was a child. My mom said the girl’s aunt had warned her not to go near the woods outside their house or bad things would happen. Coincidentally, the girl’s uncle would sexually abuse the girl and her little sister there. My mom told me if the little girl had just listened to her aunt, she would’ve never gotten abused. I can’t believe she blamed the child for her uncle violating her. That’s really messed up :/

It never ceases to amaze me when people find a way to make child abuse the child’s fault. It obviously baffles me when people try to make sexual assault the fault of the victim at any age, but I find it particularly disgusting when we’re talking about kids. I don’t know what’s wrong with your mother, but that’s total bullshit.

Anon asked:

When I was 15, i was at a party and I became really upset because i had just found out bad news. I started drinking and drinking (I weighed 90 lbs at the time) and then i started flirting with this guy I barely knew, Things escalated and we went to his car and I lost my virginity. I remember almost nothing and didn’t even realize what had happened until later when my friend made it clear to me. Is this assault despite me initiating the flirtation? I never wanted it to go that far.

I made this anonymous, because you didn’t explicitly say I should post your name. Let me know if you’d like to come off anon, and I will update.

Yes, that is still assault! Flirting is not consent to sexual activity of any sort. Consent is ongoing and specific. So say you felt comfortable making out—that wouldn’t mean you were consenting to sex. Aside from which, intoxicated people cannot legally consent to sex (and neither can 15 year olds in many states—depending upon the age of the other person).