i constantly struggle with accepting my rape, and talking to others about it because it wasn’t what most people picture when they think about rape. I was 15 and black out drunk. I had said no earlier in the night, before he managed to get me so drunk i could barely walk. I didnt even realize that it was rape until over a year later. because i was so bullied and tormented for it, while he just laughed about it with his friends. even my current boyfriend doesnt seem to believe me and that sucks.
I’m so sorry. I don’t know why people are so resistant to the fact that sex with someone who is intoxicated is rape. If your boyfriend, or any of your friends or loved ones for that matter, does not 100% believe and support you as a survivor, he doesn’t deserve to be in your life.
Hello, I’m having a little trouble with a friend who uses “rape” as a metaphor for completely unrelated things. I finally called him out on it last night and we fought. He’s a really good friend and I’ve known him for 15 years! Deep down he has a good heart but he’s still in the 12-year old boy mentality it seems. I don’t want this to ruin our relationship, but I want to establish to him that he shouldn’t devalue the word by using it inappropriately. What else can I do to get my message across?
Following up about my friend who uses rape as a metaphor - he told me that I was overreacting and that it was MY problem that I was offended by his use of the word. I have no idea what to say to that.
People ask me a lot what to do about their douchey friends to make them less douchey, and I never really have an answer because I just cut people off when they act like this. You already tried to explain it and he somehow managed to act even worse. Other people have suggestions?
I was raped by someone I had known for years and considered a close friend. I think the worst part of it, though, was having one of my best friends tell me that I obviously didn’t try hard enough to fight him. I’m still not quite sure how to take that.
I’m so sorry. :( They’re a terrible friend and they don’t deserve to be in your life. You experienced a complete betrayal of trust and something very traumatizing besides. Your friend should be there to support you, not tell you that this was your fault.
When I was 5, I was molested by an older male cousin. My grandma caught him holding me down on a bed while he humped me. She told him to go outside while she spanked me and called me a bad girl for not fighting back, as if I liked him on top of me or something like that. My parents were horrified, but my cousin’s mom begged them not to press charges. So no one mentioned it again. I felt like my parents let me down big time; they refused to talk about it. By the time I was 9,another cousin had exposed my younger cousins and I to porn and touched us. By then, I felt I couldn’t tell b/c I’d be a snitch.
Now, two other men in my family are known to hit on/ feel up women and younger cousins sometimes. No one calls them out on it b/c” that’s how they are.” The young women and younger cousins are warned not be around them to avoid “putting themselves in a bad situation,” yet nobody reports them. I’ve never told anyone in my family what happened to me b/c the cousins that hurt me are the ones everyone looks up to. I feel like the black sheep of my family and don’t see them much unless I have to. I’m moving out of my hometown soon. But I’m worried for my cousins that’ll be left behind. If no one’s willing to talk about this issue, how many other family members will suffer in silence? I don’t want this to continue. What should I do?
I’m so sorry to hear about this. Unfortunately, it’s really common for there to be a pattern of abuse like this in families (mine included). Predators use the silence in families to prey on more and more victims. It sounds like many of the adults in your life, not just your parents, let you down rather than protecting you as they should have. I don’t think there is much legally you could do at this point, but that doesn’t mean you’re powerless to help stop this cycle and protect your cousins. There is a lot you can do, depending on how vocal you feel ready to be.
If you are already somewhat estranged from them and you don’t mind causing some (much needed) waves in the family—talk about what happened to you! This could be in the form of telling your parents everything and talking about what happened. It could be in the form of talking to the cousins around your age who you know were also molested and asking for their help in breaking the silence within your family.
This could also be in the form of talking with the younger girls in your family. Warn them—not in the ‘keep yourself out of a bad position’ victim blaming way that’s been done so far—but tell them what you know and let them know that if the men you’re talking about try this with them, it’s not their fault, it is a big deal, and you’re there for them. Be the person they know they can turn to—and the one who advocates for them when it’s necessary. It can be really hard to stand up for yourself, but sometimes easier to do it for someone else. If you hear about an incident of abuse, raise hell about it!
You are absolutely right that if no one breaks the silence, this will most likely continue. This all being said though, I would never push you to do more than you feel you can. Standing up to people who abused you can be really painful—especially since they are most likely going to minimize what happened and try to blow you off. Do what you can to help, but remember to take care of yourself. And if you decide to discuss this with other women in your family you know were abused, be sensitive to them. Even if you’ve faced what happened and you’re prepared to take a stand within the family, they may not be.
Yesterday, my mom told me about a woman that was repeatedly raped by her uncle when she was a child. My mom said the girl’s aunt had warned her not to go near the woods outside their house or bad things would happen. Coincidentally, the girl’s uncle would sexually abuse the girl and her little sister there. My mom told me if the little girl had just listened to her aunt, she would’ve never gotten abused. I can’t believe she blamed the child for her uncle violating her. That’s really messed up :/
It never ceases to amaze me when people find a way to make child abuse the child’s fault. It obviously baffles me when people try to make sexual assault the fault of the victim at any age, but I find it particularly disgusting when we’re talking about kids. I don’t know what’s wrong with your mother, but that’s total bullshit.
This sounds strange and in no way does this compare to stuff I seen other people go through, but earlier this year there was a boy in my class who would touch my lower back directly above my butt, and he would scratch me there in the hallway and it drew blood at one point and I don’t know if that counts as sexual assault or what but I still feel dirty and guilty for letting him do that.
Well, to me this is not necessarily sexual assault because I am not seeing the sexual component to it…? but perhaps I am misunderstanding something. Definitely it is assault though. If another person violates your bodily autonomy and in this case injures you, that is assault.
I told my exboyfriend no the “first time,” (and nearly all subsequent times)and tried to push him away. Sometimes I’d cry and beg, but he would do whatever he could to get me to “consent,” whether it was to just keep going until I gave up and shut off my mind,to try to turn me on despite my protests that I didn’t want to be touched, or to guilt me.I didn’t know until later that this is rape. I was told that rape is screaming at a stranger in an alley- not quietly pleading to your boyfriend.
I am so sorry. You are not alone—we all learned about stranger rape and not the much more common rape that occurs at the hands of people we know. I am glad you’re away from this abusive rapist, and I hope your future partners will be people who love and respect you—and your right to say no.
So I got really drunk at this party and according to this guy (and I don’t remember saying this, although I don’t remember a lot of what happened) that I wanted to lose my virginity that night. All I remember is that something went in for a bit, and it hurting a lot, but I didn’t bleed the next day/my pelvis wasn’t hurting. Somehow he had my number, and after pestering him about it, he told me that we didn’t have sex. Is this still sexual assault? Also (this is part of the is this sex assault story) I never wanted to do anything that night, especially not as far as things went, but I didn’t stop him. I had this feeling that I should, but I honestly didn’t feel like I could do anything at that point. Also, sorry for the third message, but he was sober at the time.
Yes, this is sexual assault. You didn’t want to have this type of sexual activity, you were legally unable to consent, and certainly by your description you were incapacitated. I’m sorry.