STFU, Rape Culture!
hiphopcheerleader is creating a tumblr for women of color who are sexual violence survivors. This blog will be a safe space for WOC to share your stories and get resources and support, and just generally provide a shared community. hiphopcheerleader is looking for people who would be interesting in discussing ideas, contributing to the blog, and/or possibly acting as co-admin. If anyone is interested in helping, please feel free to contact her!
Anon asked:
Do you have any advice for men who are in relationships with someone who was raped?
I’ve been sitting on your question for a bit, I’m sorry. I think our followers can chime in and offer you some suggestions. That would probably be most helpful. But, some things to check out, for partners of survivors (because the partner and survivor can be of any gender!):
- Support for partners has some suggestions
- Partners of sexual abuse survivors has some dos and don’ts to check out
- Pandora’s Project has some tips on sexual experiences when you’re the partner of a survivor (note: this page has problematic phrasing, as it refers to survivors as women only). They also have some more general tips.
Followers, I’m sure you have more advice to offer! Any survivors or partners of survivors want to contribute advice for this person?
My boyfriend raped me. He forced me to give him a blowjob and then lifted me against a wall and had sex with me. He told me not to tell anyone anything that happens between us, ever. Now I’m acting like the perfect girlfriend. What’s wrong with me?
An anon sent me the link to this post. OP, if you are reading this, there is nothing wrong with you. You were betrayed by someone you trusted and cared for, and it is hard to know how to handle that. If you need someone to talk to about it, please think about contacting a rape crisis counselor. They can listen to your feelings and try to help. Please be safe, and take care of yourself.
Anon said:
My friend danced with my rapist last night and is now friends with him on Facebook. Am I being unreasonable for being annoyed at this? I feel that she has betrayed me and is very stupid as I have told her about him.
This is not unreasonable at all. She’s your friend, and she should support you. The very least she could do is not develop a relationship with someone who raped you. That’s incredibly shitty. I would view it as a betrayal too. Unfortunately, abusive people never seem to have a problem attracting others, even when people know about their behaviors. I don’t know why this is, but it’s definitely scary for her to be hanging around with him. Ugh. Did you talk to her about it?
Anon said:
When I was 17 I went out on a date with this 21 year old guy& we decided to watch a movie at my house later when my parents weren’t home. I really did think it meant watch a movie, but he began moving my hand to his penis and trying to get me to give him a handjob. I was a virgin to everything before that night. He asked me over and over until eventually I said yes to having sex with him even though I had told him repeatedly that I wasn’t ready and I didn’t want to. I didn’t realize until when I asked him to wear a condom,he went to his car, which means he had prepared for this to happen.It was really painful and when I asked him to stop, after not wanting it to begin with, he said he wanted to ‘finish’. I was trying not to cry because it was so painful. It’s been four years and I still think about it, when I told other people after it happened, they acted like it was normal. I was sober during this and I often feel guilty and responsible for what happened.
Situations like this are unfortunately common, because rape is common, but they are not normal. You have nothing to feel guilty about, anon. This guy coerced you into having sex—which is rape. The only meaningful consent is consent that occurs enthusiastically, without pressure from someone else. You didn’t do anything wrong and you were not responsible. He was. I’m sorry this happened to you.
Anon said:
At school there was this boy who asked me to stay up in the common room with him because he had been sexiled, and no one else was up. I said yes, and we were sitting and talking for a while. He kept touching me and flirting with me, and I was pretty clearly not having any of it, taking his hands off of me and moving away. He leaned in to kiss me and I leaned away stating that he was drunk. He didn’t push it any farther but I felt kind of pressured. I don’t know what to think of this. Help?
To me, this situation feels like harassment. I would label any time someone comes on to you in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable and/or can’t take a hint to back off, as harassment. In your situation, when you said no, this person stopped trying anything. However, prior to that, you were clearly giving nonverbal indications that you weren’t interested, which makes his behavior creepy and inappropriate at best. I don’t know what kind of touching happened, but if you feel like he touched you at all sexually without your consent, that would be sexual assault. It’s not clear to me from your ask. Certainly it’s okay to feel however you want about it, to feel uncomfortable around this guy or whatever. He definitely should have taken the hint the first time you moved away.
Anon said:
Many women in my life have suffered through violence and sexual abuse. I am so infuriated by it that I have committed my intellectual and emotional life to being an ally to women. However, I can’t help but feel wicked. In my heart of hearts, there are times when I find rape alluring or sexually arousing. This isn’t something I’ve ever openly admitted to anyone, and it’s really hard to ask anonymously. But my life has just been surround by sexual violence, incest.. Terrible things. Am I rapist?
No. You are not a rapist unless you actually commit rape. Here’s what I think… a lot of people have rape fantasies. People are interested in porn that simulates rape, reading non consensual sex stories, etc. All of these things are okay, and they are nothing to be ashamed of. In these situations, no one gets hurts, and you can explore these kind of fantasies with a willing partner. As long as they never bridge the gap to reality, this is fine, and please don’t beat yourself up over it.
From the tone of your message, I’m wondering if your thoughts go farther than what I’ve described above. If you feel that your thoughts are moving from fantasies to planning of actual rape, that’s a serious problem. If this is the case for you, and you can see yourself hurting someone, then please speak with a professional about that. You need to seek help now, rather than waiting until you may really hurt someone.
Anon asked:
This may sound stupid but how exactly can men be raped by women? Of course they can be penetrated with a dildo but I mean without that? Is it possible for women to rape men without using anything other than their bodies? I also mean aside from statutory rape. Because women can be forced into sex without arousal but men need to be aroused and erect. Example?
People of any gender can be raped by perpetrators of any gender. Penetration isn’t necessary for something to qualify as rape. Any unwanted sexual contact counts. So if a person’s penis is felated, fondled, etc, these qualify as rape.
In your example of a cisgender man being raped by a cisgender woman, the important thing to remember is that arousal does not equal consent. Our bodies react to stimulation, sometimes even if that stimulation is unwanted. Arousal during rape can be experienced by victims of all genders, and some survivors blame themselves and feel guilty about their body’s reactions. But just because someone’s body reacts to stimulation does not mean they are giving consent. Only clear, enthusiastic consent means yes.
Unbelievably powerful images.
STFURC: I follow the blog too. :) Trigger warning on that link. People send in a picture of themselves holding a card or paper with something their rapist said to them. It can be very triggering.
Anon said:
I think my doctor assaulted me. I went to the doctor for a routine checkup and she said I had to do my women’s health check. I didn’t want a vaginal exam at the time. I refused and refused until she finally wore me down. I recall being nervous and scared. I cried through the whole exam because it was uncomfortable and I was shaky the rest of the day. She didn’t even try to reassure me. Now, a year later…I think I was assaulted? Was I or am I making something out of nothing?
You are definitely not making something out of nothing. Medical health professionals do not have free reign to do whatever they want to your body without your consent. Pap smears are important for your health, but you have the absolute right to decline them. You have the right to decline anything you don’t want. When you’ve explicitly refused a medical procedure, more than once even, they should not continue to push it and/or administer that procedure when it is obvious that it is traumatizing you. This is completely unacceptable, and I would consider it to be assault.
There are things you can do about this if you want to. You can report this doctor to your state’s medical board for misconduct. You can also report her to the facility she works at (assuming she is not in private practice). Things like verbally or physically harassing, abusing, or intimidating a patient are medical misconduct. It’s totally up to you whether you want to make a report, but it sounds to me like you would have a case. If you happened to be under 18 at the time, your complaint would be taken even more seriously.
Anon said:
I came face to face with my rapist in a club tonight after two years. It never bothered me much until recently when I learned that rape isn’t always as black and white as being chased down an alley. I always just thought of him as a bit pushy but I realised that since I explicitly said I didn’t want to have sex with him several times, he raped me. Seeing him tonight totally threw me and I spent the whole night edgy and upset. I saw him approach me and smile and thought what a fucking nerve. Someone introduced us and I said we’ve already met. He hugged me, I just stood there speechless. He asked if I remembered him, of course I fucking remember the person who forced me in to having sex and made me feel abnormal for not wanting it in the first place. I didn’t say anything because I don’t think he realises what he did was wrong. Then again, he is completely sex obsessed and thinks everyone else should be, I can totally imagine him forcing others to have sex in a worse way than he did with me. Right now I am feeling how most people would at the time of a rape. It never really bothered me, I just thought ugh he’s really pushy and creepy. But right now it is very much bothering me and I don’t know what to do. As soon as I saw him I got upset so told my boyfriend what happened but said it didn’t matter right now and I would explain more at home because I didn’t want him to kick off. I don’t want it to come between our relationship.
What fucking nerve is right. I’m sorry you had to see him again and have this dredged up for you. It sounds like talking to someone about it might be good, a counselor or therapist. It doesn’t matter how long it’s been since the rape occurred. If you have feelings about it—seek support for yourself. You deserve to be listened to and work through your feelings.
You don’t have to tell you boyfriend about it if you don’t want to. It’s totally your choice. If you do want to tell him, he should be understanding about it.This is something that happened to you, in your past, and if you choose to tell him, that’s an act of trust on your part. I would hope that he is going to react with support for you, and that’s all.
Anon said:
Hi. I’m not sure if my case applies to the stuff you say here, but I don’t have anybody else to talk to and I don’t know what to do. You see: I wasn’t raped. But a very close friend of mine was, and he talked to me about it, last year - he said a mutual friend of ours had raped him while he was too drunk to fight back. I tried to convince him to report it or talk to an adult, but he didn’t want it. He also made me promise that I wouldn’t tell nobody, and that I wouldn’t let this guy find out I knew what happened. My friend has since then changed schools and city, and we have grew apart and aren’t really that close anymore. However, this guy is still in my class, and he’s always talking to me and being touchy-feely and acting like a friend would, but he makes me sick, looking at him makes me feel awful. I feel guilty for not being able to convince my friend to report it, and I don’t want to be anywhere near him, but I don’t know what to do - I’m cold and rude towards him, but he doesn’t seems to care much. And I don’t really have any other close friend at school, I’m mostly alone, so it’s easy for him to approach and hard for me to pretend to be busy. I feel guilty and furious because he’s getting away with what he’s done, and I’m terrified that he might do it again, to someone else. I’m desperate. I don’t know what to do anymore. If you could please give me some advice, I can’t stop feeling terrible. I hate him, and sometimes I think about next year, when we’ll have graduated and we won’t see each other again, but then I think about how he might still rape someone else and I just freak out again. If you don’t feel like you can give some advice, it’s okay, just please post it so I can know you’ve read so I won’t bother you again. I really like your blog. Thanks anyway.
Hey, anon. Thanks. I’m sorry it took me a few days to respond to your message. There are two different issues here. One, you’re (rightly) afraid that this person may hurt someone else, and two, that he won’t leave you alone.
For the first problem, I don’t think there’s much you can do about this. Your friend decided not to report this—and please, don’t feel guilty about that. You did the right thing in supporting your friend and keeping your promise to him. Reporting can be very difficult, and no survivor should be pressured into doing it. Since it didn’t happen to you, there is no way I can think of that you could really make a report about it without involving your friend and breaking your promise to him. I know it’s not super helpful advice, but on this issue, I think you’ll have to let it go. Whatever this creep does or doesn’t do in future will not be your fault.
For the second issue, that’s a different story. Trying to handle him on your own doesn’t seem to be working. You could try causing a huge scene next time he approaches you, just generally screaming at him to leave you alone… the downside would be possible punishment and embarrassment for you. But on the upside, maybe he would be embarrassed too and avoid you. If you’re willing to involve your parents or people at school in this, I think that would be the better option. He is clearly harassing you. You don’t have to have a specific reason for not wanting anything to do with him—so there shouldn’t be a reason to disclose your friend’s rape. If you are close to your parent or guardian, you can use them as your advocate at school. If you aren’t, is there a teacher or a counselor you trust and could talk to? Your school should intervene on this for you. Someone needs to talk to him and tell him to keep away from you, or else face consequences at school.
I know turning to an adult isn’t always an option though… followers, can you suggest any other strategies to help this person?
[TW rape culture]
You see a sign saying “I Always Get Consent.” advertising a dinner discussing the issues of sexual harassment, rape, and consent amongst the student body, and underneath those words someone has scrawled:
“—When she’s drunk.”
Well, that’s disgusting and yet relevant to my posts of the last two days. Ugh.
to me, the problem isn’t even the use of the word slut. it’s the shit that came around it. the “we want to see the sex tape” crap.
cuz you know what proceeds sexual violence for me? the *presumption* that specifically cis men have the right to see my body/demand things of my body based on them *paying* for something. as if my body being *used in a certain way* is proper equivalent currency for birth control.
he paid for dinner, he paid for my birth control—and as such he is *entitled* to my body?
the focus on the word ‘slut’ is ok, but it is hiding the deeper more structural based crap, which is the much needed discussion around “when do men get to trade dinner or birth control or beer or ‘being nice’ for your body?”
it’s not just slut shaming going on here—it’s rape culture. and it’s interesting to me how much slut shaming gets focused on over digging deeper and confronting structural issues.
The thing is, I don’t think you can separate slut shaming from rape culture. They’re part and parcel of the same thing: misogyny and the general belief that a woman’s sexuality is not her own, but should be under the greater control of society, particularly men in society.
Women are called sluts when they act or are perceived as acting in a way that shows defiance of a system of rigid control over their sexuality. You have sex with a man who isn’t your husband? Slut. You have a child out of wedlock? Slut. You enjoy sex with anyone? Slut. You believe that you have the right to be a consenting, conscious participant in any sexual encounters you have? Slut. You believe you should be able to have sex with someone who isn’t a man? Slut. You do anything that suggests you might at some point engage in sex that is outside the parameters set forward by conservative men, enjoy sex, or even be entitled to enjoy sex the sex you have? Slut.
Rape culture just takes these same basic ideas to the next level. As a woman, your sexuality is never your own, and therefore never yours to direct or exercise as you wish. Your sexuality always belongs to someone else, always is to be directed by someone else, and always to be used and enjoyed by someone else. And if you fail to submit to social control (i.e. reserve your sexuality for exclusive use by one man), then your sexuality is open season for any man who is looking for gratification.
Your pleasure and your consent do not matter in a society where a woman’s sexuality is to be regulated, controlled, and kept firmly suppressed. By communicating that you believe your sexuality is outside of social control (and there is a laundry list of things people do or simply are that cause them to be seen as “out of control”), you forsake society’s “benevolent” protection against rape.
You call a woman a slut for the same reason you rape her: you think you have a right to control her sexuality. Rape obviously takes that viewpoint to an extreme, but they are, essentially, the result of the same underlying structural view of women’s bodies, sexuality, etc. as public property.
No, I didn’t say anything about victim blaming, and no victim was blamed. So I don’t know why you would put those words in my mouth. What I am saying is it isn’t very fair for two people to go to bed under the influence and for one person to wake up and say that since they regretted it and they wouldn’t normally do it had they not been under the influence, that therefore it is a rape. There is rape, and there is also not rape. The distinction should be made before condoning ruining lives.
I don’t know how I could say this any more clearly.
Sex without consent is rape.
Intoxicated people cannot consent.
Logically, sex with an intoxicated person would be rape. I don’t personally believe that all sexual encounters that occur when drinking have to be classified as rape. But when a person’s reaction to their experience is more severe than regret, which clearly it is when a person is saying they have emotional distress, suicidal thoughts, etc, and they confirm these feelings are linked to the sexual encounter that happened when they were legally unable to give consent, it is by no means a stretch of the imagination to classify it correctly, as rape.
Given the propensity to self-blame, to qualify, to not recognize rape when it occurs, there are not great numbers of people claiming to have been raped who have not. This is an actual fact. Rape does not have higher false report rate than any other crime.
So for you to sit there and act like people are lying about their experiences because they regret consensual sex, is victim blaming. You are essentially claiming that people “cry rape” to pawn a bad decision off on someone else. This is not true. It’s not supported by statistics. It’s not supported by the law, which is clear in saying intoxicated people cannot give consent. And I have not had one story submitted to this blog that I thought was a false rape claim.
You are casting aspersions on real survivors who have been raped in situations like these. That disgusts me. If you’d like to continue doing it, you can do so on your own tumblr. I’m not giving you the platform to do it.
