STFU, Rape Culture!
Anon said:
Last month, I was at a party, and I blacked out after only a few drinks. I woke up on the floor of the bedroom, head throbbing, various articles of clothing missing, my bra pushed up to my neck. I stumbled to the bathroom and found blood in my underwear. I was a virgin. I lost it, I was crying so hard. I woke up my friend and she told me I’d been so drunk that I’d been asking for sex. I’d also fallen over, hit my head numerous times, called her a man, alled others by different names, including people I’d met before. She said before I’d actually had sex, another guy had been messing around with me. He left because he said I was too drunk, and that is when the other guy went in and had sex with me. I know deep down that this was rape, that I was obviously too drunk for anything, and that I hadn’t wanted any of it, but my investigator didn’t believe me and told me I was to blame. What do you think?
I think the investigator you spoke to is absolutely wrong. If you are too intoxicated to consent, which obviously someone who is out of it, falling down drunk is too drunk to consent, then you are not at fault! No one has the right to touch you when you are not legally capable of giving consent. That was rape. I’m so sorry that that happened to you, and that it was made worse by the way the police treated you.
Anon said:
(sorry for my bad english) last night my bf and i went to a party and i was really drunk. when we got home, i laid down on my bed and he took out his pants and then mine and had sex with me. i told him to stop and said that i’m too drunk and he immidiately stopped. this morning we talked about it and he said that he thought that i wanted to have sex, too. but i feel disgusted cause i didnt want to have sex but also guilty cause i didnt really said no but also didnt say yes. am i overreacting?
No, you are not. Even in relationships, you have to look for enthusiastic consent, and that especially applies when you and your partner have been drinking!
Anon said:
Hi! Question about my friend.. She was raped by her ex-boyfriend. But she doesn’t know it, and I haven’t told her. When I found out I saw two scenarios in my head. 1: I tell her, we go to the police, they do nothing because there is no proof and he was her boyfriend at the time. She’s completely miserable. Or 2: I don’t tell her. I didn’t tell my friend because I don’t want to depress her and she wants to stay a virgin until marriage. Now I feel awful and I still don’t know if I should tell her.
What happened that she doesn’t know? What I mean is, was she unconscious or drunk or something? If this is the case, I think she deserves to know. Yes, she will react to it and it will be upsetting, but I don’t think it’s right to know that this happened to her and not tell her. :/
Followers, what do you think?
Anon asked:
A couple of days ago I went out at a hookah bar and guy there asked me to sit on his lap and I said no, and then he’s like lets go down stair and I kept on saying no I just want to go to bed, and then he just picked me up and carried me down there and then raped me, I then got up and then left I had to call everybody or anybody to come pick me up I was crying, and I just said I had a bad time what should I do?
First, I would say go to your doctor, or to a place like Planned Parenthood, so you can get medically checked out (for things like STDs and/or pregnancy). It might also help to talk with a rape crisis counselor about what happened, because I think it’s usually better to talk about your feelings and have some help when you’re processing something traumatic like this. You don’t have to tell anyone you know in real life, if you don’t want to or you’re not ready. Legally, if you want to, you can also file a report with the police. If you’re unsure, this is something a counselor could help you think about and decide as well. I’m so sorry this happened to you. Followers, if you have anything else helpful to suggest to anon, please chime in!
Research shows that programs with trained examiners, such as Sexual Assault Nurse Examiners (SANEs) or Sexual Assault Forensic Examiners (SAFEs), using modern standards like those in the SAFE Protocol significantly increase evidence collection and investigation in sexual assault cases. Better evidence collection results in significantly higher prosecution rates, convictions, and guilty-pleas. The SAFE Protocol also helps SANEs and other medical professionals conduct exams that are sensitive, dignified, and reduce trauma.
“The SAFE Protocol helps ensure that victims will be cared for with compassion and respect when they turn to hospitals for help,” said Bea Hanson, Acting Director of the Office on Violence Against Women (OVW). “This not only improves outcomes for victims, it strengthens criminal cases. We are working to develop a comprehensive response to rape and sexual assault. One element of this is the President’s 2014 budget that includes $20 million to address the backlog of rape kits.”
I didn’t know about the bolded. Very glad to hear that.
Anon asked:
Hello, I have a question. I was raped by a stranger, with whom I chose (before the incident occurred) to get intoxicated with, mainly because at that time I didn’t care what happened to me, or so I thought. I have been told many time that it wasn’t my fault but it feels like it was- also because I didn’t say no, or yes or anything because, I was so scared for my life. I did not want to have sex, but I felt I didn’t have a choice. Was this my fault? How can I stop blaming myself for everything?
I left you anon because I wasn’t sure what you’d prefer. Let me know if you’d like me to update this.
It was not your fault. Freezing is a common response to sexual assault! It’s a scary situation, and it is perfectly natural and self-preserving to freeze. As for you feeling as though you didn’t care what happened to you—two things: nobody has the right to capitalize on you being in a bad place emotionally, and your feelings about yourself do not make it your fault because they only thing that makes sexual activity okay is consent!
Blaming yourself is hard to overcome and there is no quick fix I can tell you that will really help you. I think sometimes talking with a counselor or even a good friend who can remind you that it wasn’t your fault can help. But it’s ultimately a change you have to believe yourself. I think you already know this objectively. If I told you that someone had raped me and I was afraid to resist because I was worried they would hurt me—would you blame me? I don’t think you would. You’d tell me it wasn’t my fault. You just need to believe it for yourself. It can take time.
Anon asked:
Freshman year in high school I went to my first party and was raped by one of the host’s friends. It was an awful experience and I haven’t had sex since, but when my friends ask me if I’ve had sex before I never know what to say because I’ve had intercourse with someone but it wasn’t consensual, so physically I’m not a virgin, but mentally I feel like one. So how do I convey that?
Well, virginity is more of a concept than a fact. Lots of people do not have hymens (due to injury, sports, tampon usage even)—but they have not had sex. There are also different kinds of sex (oral, manual, anal) that do not include vaginal penetration. Virginity is a very dated, heterosexist concept that does not fit many people. If it’s something that is important to you though, I think it’s okay to say you’re a virgin. Being raped is not the same thing as having sex. Or you could disclose your history, if it’s a good friend and you feel comfortable doing so. There is also really no obligation to disclose any kind of sexual history to anyone anyway—so you don’t need to explain yourself if you don’t want to. It’s really up to you what you want to say.
Anon said:
I was ‘with’ this guy and we started messing around. I asked him to stop, he said, ‘no trust me, it’ll feel good’ I Let him finger me It excalated and i told him to stop.I left crying. He reassured me everything was going to be ok, and I did nothing wrong I felt better. A few nights later, he asked if he could eat me out, I said no, i dont think so, he said ‘itll feel good, dont worry’ so i let him. It got to the point where he wanted to have sex. I said no and he tried to put it in When it wouldn’t go in, he finally stopped. I knew i didnt want it. but i kinda did. Was this rape? Molestation? Or am i just being stupid? He did say after we broke up, he was afraid I’d tell someone he’d done stuff without my consent. Sorry It wouldnt let me post all in one.
If you say no, and someone persuades you into letting them do what they want, that’s sexual assault. It sounds like he knows that too. Consent to sexual activity happens when you’re sure you want to, and you’re enthusiastic about it. If you are a little unsure, you don’t feel good about it, and you say no—as happened here to you, that’s sexual assault. You’re not stupid. You’re not overreacting. You said no, and your feelings weren’t respected. That’s sexual assault, and it’s wrong.
Anon asked:
When I was 15, i was at a party and I became really upset because i had just found out bad news. I started drinking and drinking (I weighed 90 lbs at the time) and then i started flirting with this guy I barely knew, Things escalated and we went to his car and I lost my virginity. I remember almost nothing and didn’t even realize what had happened until later when my friend made it clear to me. Is this assault despite me initiating the flirtation? I never wanted it to go that far.
I made this anonymous, because you didn’t explicitly say I should post your name. Let me know if you’d like to come off anon, and I will update.
Yes, that is still assault! Flirting is not consent to sexual activity of any sort. Consent is ongoing and specific. So say you felt comfortable making out—that wouldn’t mean you were consenting to sex. Aside from which, intoxicated people cannot legally consent to sex (and neither can 15 year olds in many states—depending upon the age of the other person).
A Massachusetts appellate court on Tuesday rejected the appeal of a former Albany Roman Catholic Diocese priest who was convicted of raping altar boys during trips to Berkshire County in the 1980s.
Good for you, Kansas.
Okay, on collecting forensic evidence through a rape kit.
If you know early on that you want to prosecute and/or get your rape kit done, the best thing to do is go to the hospital as soon as possible. Within the first 72 hours.
Do not pass Go, do not collect $200, go directly to the hospital and ask for a rape kit. It can be hard to impossible to say out loud, I know. Ask for paper if you can’t say the words. Some hospitals will not administer a rape kit to a victim who is an adult. In my experience, those hospitals tend to be Christian or Catholic affiliated hospitals. Be wary of that when you do go.
Not all rape kits are administered at the hospital, sometimes they’re administered at other healthcare facilities. My personal experience was at a college based institute with a SANE (sexual assault nurse examiner).
This can be a very long and hard process. Thankfully the person administering your exam is there to help you through it all. Sometimes you’re given assistance from a chaplain and a representative from your local rape crisis center as well. It is a very supportive environment.
My SANE spent a lot of time soothing and reassuring me. I was in a complete state of shock and the only thing on my mind when I had my rape kit administered was getting home to shower. My experience may not be the standard but I’m putting it here because it’s what I faced and maybe it will help some of you know what they’re getting into.
My SANE asked for a urine sample to determine if I was pregnant before the assault.
After that, she spent some time with me in a private room where she explained what is and what isn’t rape. This was probably one of the most helpful things that put me at ease. If you said no, it’s rape. If you did not consent, it’s rape. If you were with a partner you’ve been with many times before, they want to try something new and you give them limitations on what they can try ie, “yes but not if it hurts” and they continue past the limitations you set, it’s rape. If you were coerced for your consent, it’s rape. If you had too much to drink and you were not able to make that kind of decision, it’s rape. There is no gray rape. She said that sometimes, it can be hard to want to speak up about it for a variety of reasons. But to know that it’s not your fault. Your rape was not your fault at all.
She told me that I’d have to explain to her in detail what happened (this is basically like the cops asking you for your testament) and I had the choice of having the chaplain and local rape crisis center representative in the room with me. The fact that I had the choice about who heard my story was their way of giving me some autonomy back. I had the power to say, “no, you don’t get to know this.”
For this part, you have to use your words. You have to talk about anatomy as clearly as you can articulate it. It’s hard. It’s really hard. I had to stop a few times during my recollection of events to take a minute and breathe.
They’ll give you a minute or two afterward and when you’re ready, there is a physical examination and assessment. The physical exmaination includes an internal portion.
Because your body is a crime scene, evidence will be collected.
At any point, you have the right to decline any part of the exam you are not comfortable with.
- You might be able to choose to keep some clothing, I personally gave everything to them.
- Photos may be taken, especially if your perpetrator left physical evidence in the way of bruises, cuts or scraped skin. This can feel invasive. Your medical professional will take special notice to the parts of your body you identified in the previous step.
- At a point in your examination, you may be asked to sit on the table with your legs propped up. Similar to how you sit when you’ve been to your OB-GYN. Samples may be taken from your genitals and your anus. Your medical professional may ask you to tense or loosen your muscles.
In my exmaination, it was repeated that this was done on my time. When I was comfortable with it.
I was then told about treatment for potential sexually transmitted infections (STIs) that I could have been exposed to during my assault.
My particular treatment involved a very large needle and pills for the following week. Because I was calm and as relaxed as I could be, the injection didn’t hurt too bad. I was given the choice of taking the injection in one of the muscles in my thigh or my butt. I chose the thigh. If you choose to accept this method of treatment, please relax as much as you possibly can. I was told the injection was the most painful process for some survivors because their muscles were stiff.
After your rape kit is performed, you are free to leave. The representative may speak with you for a short time informing you about other forms of help with their rape crisis center. The chaplain may also speak with you.
You’re free to do with your body as you please with the knowledge that you have the evidence preserved in case you ever desire to prosecute. In some states, police reports may be highly encouraged, if not practically forced on a survivor.
It is your choice. Every time.
Thank you so much for sharing this info. Signal boosting this here because we do sometimes get people who have just recently been assaulted. If anyone is in that boat, I hope this info helps you.
Anon said:
I told my exboyfriend no the “first time,” (and nearly all subsequent times)and tried to push him away. Sometimes I’d cry and beg, but he would do whatever he could to get me to “consent,” whether it was to just keep going until I gave up and shut off my mind,to try to turn me on despite my protests that I didn’t want to be touched, or to guilt me.I didn’t know until later that this is rape. I was told that rape is screaming at a stranger in an alley- not quietly pleading to your boyfriend.
I am so sorry. You are not alone—we all learned about stranger rape and not the much more common rape that occurs at the hands of people we know. I am glad you’re away from this abusive rapist, and I hope your future partners will be people who love and respect you—and your right to say no.
Anon said:
So I got really drunk at this party and according to this guy (and I don’t remember saying this, although I don’t remember a lot of what happened) that I wanted to lose my virginity that night. All I remember is that something went in for a bit, and it hurting a lot, but I didn’t bleed the next day/my pelvis wasn’t hurting. Somehow he had my number, and after pestering him about it, he told me that we didn’t have sex. Is this still sexual assault? Also (this is part of the is this sex assault story) I never wanted to do anything that night, especially not as far as things went, but I didn’t stop him. I had this feeling that I should, but I honestly didn’t feel like I could do anything at that point. Also, sorry for the third message, but he was sober at the time.
Yes, this is sexual assault. You didn’t want to have this type of sexual activity, you were legally unable to consent, and certainly by your description you were incapacitated. I’m sorry.
Anon said:
(continued) some friends from his band stopped by and started passing around more alcohol. By the end of the night, I was blacked out. I woke up the next morning, in what I assume was a guest room, wearing only my shirt, with my own vomit in my hair, and scrapes all over my face (an indication that I was so drunk I was falling down). There was a used condom on the floor and I could tell from the physical pain that I felt that I had been penetrated both vaginally and anally in a very rough… I felt confused, violated, and above all, mortified. I confessed only to one of my closest friends what had happened and he said it was rape. I went to the doctor afterwards and found out I had a UTI and an STI. I blamed myself for a while after despite my friend’s words, but I know now that it was definitely rape. One of the problems is that I was so blacked out drunk that I can’t be completely sure who raped me. I’ve always strongly felt for more than one reason that it was the guy who invited me to the party in the first place, but I can never be completely sure. Because of this, I feel deprived of both closure and the opportunity to confront my rapist. (sorry this is so long.)
Anon, I think tumblr ate your first ask, but I have the gist of it here. I am so sorry this happened to you. I can understand how not knowing for sure who assaulted you would make you feel as you described. Closure, I think, is sometimes attainable but often not. Have you considered speaking with a therapist or rape crisis counselor? Processing your own feelings about your rape may give you a sense of ‘closure.’ I don’t mean to minimize at all how difficult it must be that you don’t know for certain it was this person—I’m just suggesting something that may help. I don’t want you to go on feeling this way and dealing with it only by yourself.
