STFU, Rape Culture!

hiphopcheerleader is creating a tumblr for women of color who are sexual violence survivors. This blog will be a safe space for WOC to share your stories and get resources and support, and just generally provide a shared community. hiphopcheerleader is looking for people who would be interesting in discussing ideas, contributing to the blog, and/or possibly acting as co-admin. If anyone is interested in helping, please feel free to contact her!

Anon asked:

Do you have any advice for men who are in relationships with someone who was raped?

I’ve been sitting on your question for a bit, I’m sorry. I think our followers can chime in and offer you some suggestions. That would probably be most helpful. But, some things to check out, for partners of survivors (because the partner and survivor can be of any gender!):

• Support for partners has some suggestions
• Partners of sexual abuse survivors has some dos and don’ts to check out
• Pandora’s Project has some tips on sexual experiences when you’re the partner of a survivor (note: this page has problematic phrasing, as it refers to survivors as women only). They also have some more general tips.

Followers, I’m sure you have more advice to offer! Any survivors or partners of survivors want to contribute advice for this person?

Anon said:

When I was 17 I went out on a date with this 21 year old guy& we decided to watch a movie at my house later when my parents weren’t home. I really did think it meant watch a movie, but he began moving my hand to his penis and trying to get me to give him a handjob. I was a virgin to everything before that night. He asked me over and over until eventually I said yes to having sex with him even though I had told him repeatedly that I wasn’t ready and I didn’t want to. I didn’t realize until when I asked him to wear a condom,he went to his car, which means he had prepared for this to happen.It was really painful and when I asked him to stop, after not wanting it to begin with, he said he wanted to ‘finish’. I was trying not to cry because it was so painful. It’s been four years and I still think about it, when I told other people after it happened, they acted like it was normal. I was sober during this and I often feel guilty and responsible for what happened.

Situations like this are unfortunately common, because rape is common, but they are not normal. You have nothing to feel guilty about, anon. This guy coerced you into having sex—which is rape. The only meaningful consent is consent that occurs enthusiastically, without pressure from someone else. You didn’t do anything wrong and you were not responsible. He was. I’m sorry this happened to you.

Anon asked:

I had a similar experience to that anon that asked about her doctor abusing her for an exam, and I was wondering if you had any tips about how to go about the next exam with a new doctor to prevent panic attacks from happening? Like should I mention it to the doctor beforehand? (I was also raped in the past so I have bad panic attacks)

Yeah, if you feel comfortable disclosing, it would be a good idea. You don’t even have to tell them everything if you don’t want to, just that you are prone to panic attacks, and unexpected touching can prompt one. You can ask that they let you know everything they are going to do before they do it, and that they move slowly through whatever physical exams they are doing. If you get a doctor that doesn’t listen to your concerns and/or treats you in a way you feel uncomfortable with, switch doctors if you can. You are entitled to compassionate care from a good doctor who will respect your needs and your body.

If we’re talking about paps, those suckers can be uncomfortable and nerve wracking no matter how many times you’ve had it. Doctors should be understanding about that. Sometimes it can be disconcerting too because you can’t see what they’re doing/about to do. If you’d feel better if you could see, you can even ask if a nurse can be in the room and hold a mirror for you. I think that’s a reasonable accommodation. You’re also able to have someone in the room with you if you want to. It can be family, friend, partner, whatever. If you feel better with someone there with you, no doctor should refuse. And remember that you have the right to refuse any kind of exam, for any reason. If you are not expecting a pap, or you don’t understand why they want to do it, ask questions. If you’re not comfortable, don’t do it. If you don’t like the doctor and you don’t want them to touch you, don’t do it. It’s your body and you can always say no.

Anybody else have tips on interacting with doctors for this person?

ETA: you can check out this tips here, which sound good. Thanks, morecoffee for sending that my way!

Anon asked:

This may sound stupid but how exactly can men be raped by women? Of course they can be penetrated with a dildo but I mean without that? Is it possible for women to rape men without using anything other than their bodies? I also mean aside from statutory rape. Because women can be forced into sex without arousal but men need to be aroused and erect. Example?

People of any gender can be raped by perpetrators of any gender. Penetration isn’t necessary for something to qualify as rape. Any unwanted sexual contact counts. So if a person’s penis is felated, fondled, etc, these qualify as rape.

In your example of a cisgender man being raped by a cisgender woman, the important thing to remember is that arousal does not equal consent. Our bodies react to stimulation, sometimes even if that stimulation is unwanted. Arousal during rape can be experienced by victims of all genders, and some survivors blame themselves and feel guilty about their body’s reactions. But just because someone’s body reacts to stimulation does not mean they are giving consent. Only clear, enthusiastic consent means yes.

Unbelievably powerful images. 

STFURC: I follow the blog too. :) Trigger warning on that link. People send in a picture of themselves holding a card or paper with something their rapist said to them. It can be very triggering.

Anon said:

I came face to face with my rapist in a club tonight after two years. It never bothered me much until recently when I learned that rape isn’t always as black and white as being chased down an alley. I always just thought of him as a bit pushy but I realised that since I explicitly said I didn’t want to have sex with him several times, he raped me. Seeing him tonight totally threw me and I spent the whole night edgy and upset. I saw him approach me and smile and thought what a fucking nerve. Someone introduced us and I said we’ve already met. He hugged me, I just stood there speechless. He asked if I remembered him, of course I fucking remember the person who forced me in to having sex and made me feel abnormal for not wanting it in the first place. I didn’t say anything because I don’t think he realises what he did was wrong. Then again, he is completely sex obsessed and thinks everyone else should be, I can totally imagine him forcing others to have sex in a worse way than he did with me. Right now I am feeling how most people would at the time of a rape. It never really bothered me, I just thought ugh he’s really pushy and creepy. But right now it is very much bothering me and I don’t know what to do. As soon as I saw him I got upset so told my boyfriend what happened but said it didn’t matter right now and I would explain more at home because I didn’t want him to kick off. I don’t want it to come between our relationship.

What fucking nerve is right. I’m sorry you had to see him again and have this dredged up for you. It sounds like talking to someone about it might be good, a counselor or therapist. It doesn’t matter how long it’s been since the rape occurred. If you have feelings about it—seek support for yourself. You deserve to be listened to and work through your feelings.

You don’t have to tell you boyfriend about it if you don’t want to. It’s totally your choice. If you do want to tell him, he should be understanding about it.This is something that happened to you, in your past, and if you choose to tell him, that’s an act of trust on your part. I would hope that he is going to react with support for you, and that’s all.

Anon asked:

I consented to my rapist just so I could punish him by getting close enough to bite and tear at his face, and now he’s saying that if I try to press charges against him I’ll have no case and he’ll charge me with abuse since I pretended to give enthusiastic consent. What do I do?

I guess he could attempt to charge you with assault, but I would think your actions would be viewed as self-defense. The fact that you bit and scratched him really indicates that this was not consensual. I have never heard of a rapist successfully having charges brought against their victim for wounding them during the attack. This can’t be a tactic that frequently works or else lots of rapists would do it. Has anyone else heard of this happening?

I would think law enforcement would recognize his actions for what they are and declined to press charges against you. However, many survivors do have difficulties in dealing with police and other law officials, so I can’t promise you that this would work out well.

What do others think?

Anon said:

I have been (what I consider to be) raped by two people on multiple occasions, both of whom claim they were too drunk to remember what happened. I just can’t understand it- I don’t know if it’s even possible. It’s just one of those strange, murky situations. I have no idea what to think or do about it.

I think it’s possible. People can suffer memory loss from drinking, so possibly they don’t remember what happened. Alcohol also affects people differently and in some cases people may be prone to act violently, so for sure, I can see how this would happen. Regardless of whether they were drunk though, rape is rape. Being drunk is not a get out of jail free card if you hurt someone.

Anon said:

Around two years ago, I was in a long-term relationship. At age 20, I drank alcohol for the first time, and I got drunk at a party with our friends. I was starting to fall asleep, so my boyfriend took me to sleep in his room. I fell asleep, but when I woke up, I noticed I was naked and he was getting dressed. I am having trouble dealing with this, as one of my closest friends tried to justify it by saying “Maybe he thought he could have you.” I don’t know how to react to any of this.

Regardless of what he thought, you were unconscious, so this was rape. There’s no justification, and your friend is not helping by making excuses for what your (ex?)boyfriend did. You have the right to be drunk or unconscious without being violated. If you’re having trouble handling what happened, there are resources available for you. There is no right or wrong way to react or to process what happened. You just have to do what feels best for you.

Anon said:

I invited a guy to my party.He hit on me all night,though I was clearly interested in-and hooked up with-another guy.I let him&couple friends sleep over after. After everyone else passed out, he made me drink&talk&was blatantly hitting on me. Initially I was strong,but eventually I felt a bit cornered&hopeless. IDK what I’d said to make him suddenly push his face against mine- we ended up having sex. I never said no & didn’t stop him, but I don’t recall saying yes. So what was that? I regret it.

Unless you enthusiastically consented, it was rape. There was alcohol involved, and he wore you down to the point where you didn’t say no or fight back. But that doesn’t mean there was consent. There was not, so this was rape.

Anon asked:

I was sexually abused by my former employer every day multiple times for two months, which I consider to be an assault because I didn’t want it at all and it broke me so much, but the thing is that I never asked him to stop cause I was deadly scared and also it was a live-in position and I was scared that if I tell something he would kick me out of the house and I had nowhere else to go.I never let him know I despised all the things he’s done to me and he thinks I even enjoyed it. Is it assault?

Yes. The absence of ‘no’ does not equal ‘yes.’ You were clearly not giving enthusiastic consent. He was in a position of power over you which he exploited. If there are repercussions, such as losing your job and housing, to saying no, there is no space for real consent. It was definitely assault.

Anon said:

Some of the recent comments bugged me. I wasn’t drunk when I was raped but I was sick with pneumonia and heavily medicated. I don’t remember everything. What I do remember is pain and trying to push my attacker away but being too weak to and crying. The rest is a blur. A few comments were a bit triggering. I guess I just felt I needed to say this for myself or others: if something happened while drunk, drugged, medicated, etc and you feel you were raped, you are not wrong and it isn’t your fault

Thank you, agree 100% about that. Just to clarify, were any of my comments triggering or were any comments from others not appropriately trigger warned? I want to fix them if so.