STFU, Rape Culture!

That awkward moment

When Jezebel complains about Chris Brown being at the Grammys and then two days later publishes an article by Hugo Schwyzer, charmingly titled, “Why Do Men Love ‘Barely Legal’ Porn?”

As for my writing and speaking, I will for now continue to do both. The editors at Jezebel, well aware of this controversy, have asked me to continue to write for the site. I am pleased to do so. I will continue to explore writing opportunities outside of explicitly feminist spaces, recognizing that my presence in those spaces is controversial, divisive, and unhelpful. I will continue to explore speaking opportunities as well, but will be adapting my lectures so that I am focusing primarily on issues around men and masculinity.

This was just posted you know where.

Of course Jezebel wants this guy on board. Nothing ramps up the page views like a good ol controversy, eh? Women, actual women, you know, the supposed target demographics of Jezebel, be damned.

Oh and there is more at the link about “the future”.

(via redlightpolitics)

Fucking. Jezebel.

(via feistyfeminist)

Ugh. Jezebel is like, Queen Fauxminist Publication. I will never ever ever forget that bullshit with Edward Pasteck. (Trigger warning on the link for sexual assault, groping, street harassment)

(via stfufauxminists)

(TW: mention of abuse)i just… i can’t imagine being a woman who has survived abuse and seeing major feminist blogs publishing passionate defenses of my abuser.

thefremen:

lucypaw:

kiriamaya:

^ What MMM said.

Yeah, wtf?

Which is where I started to get really emotional about this. I thought what if my ex did the exact same thing, and in the same way, and instead of just gaslamping me in a small way (like trying to convince me I had screamed at her before she hit me, say) she just full on did a story where she could excuse herself for the very worst things, and then went on about how important her journey to being a good person is and how much better she is oh yeah and used her real name so it’d be easy to figure out who I am etc.

What? no.

[what is the problem with jezebel exactly? it was the first feminist site i went on and usually the only read, i’m a bit worried that i’ve been ‘schooled’ wrong by the articles and comments on them. oh and which tumblr blogs would you recommend to read instead of jezebel?]

The simple answer is that I that I don’t think it’s a very inclusive space for people of color. This isn’t unique to Jezebel by any means; this is a critique that can be applied to a lot of mainstream feminist sites (Feministe for example). The problem is with both the articles and the comments on them. What seems to happen at mainstream feminist sites like these is that you stick a bunch of privileged people together, and they basically make it their business to ignore and/or ridicule dissenting voices. There are other problems—this stuff with Hugo Schwyzer for example—both separate and related to what I said above. So I just prefer not to read them unless someone submits something and I have to.

I’m not saying you can’t read them—but please read critically.

As for what I do like, I follow most of the ones you’d expect on tumblr—stfusexists, stfufauxminists, rabbleprochoice, and robot-heart-politics. Other tumblrs I just like that aren’t necessarily related to feminism specifically: mizjenkins, rightsandhumanity, mycultureisnotatrend, jonathan-cunningham, leftliberty, zuky, and thecurvature. I have recently started following keepyourboehneroutofmyuterus and they seem fantastic. I like Jessica Yee. I like brownfemipower (whom I was following on my other account but I don’t the tumblr now—is that defunct?). One of my all time favorites and the reason I joined tumblr in the first place was sluthaditcoming. They haven’t updated in quite a while, but I hope they’ll come back.

I don’t vouch that all of these people are perfect or will never post something offensive to their tumblrs, but there you have it. If others want to chime in with more tumblrs that are specifically about feminism, please add. I would be interested to check them out too.

feminism

[TW slut shaming]

[I have two friends who talk about how much they hate “sluts” all the time. I know that at least one of them is just talking about girls who talk to her partner and I *really* want to say something but I don’t know how to say “not all girls that talk to your boyfriend actually want to have sex with him” without sounding like a condescending asshole. Even though I feel like I should be condescending. Help?]

I don’t think that sounds very condescending, actually. Especially if you said it with a smile, in a teasing way. Then maybe add on, ‘I talk to him and I’m not trying to sleep with him!’ Although, as you said, I agree you can feel fine about being condescending in this situation. Slut shaming is not cool and sometimes you can’t get your point across without sounding a bit harsh. Next time it happens, you can try saying something like, ‘she was probably just being friendly.’

Are your friends feminist minded at all? Because you could try mentioning that slut shaming is anti-feminist and that there are better ways to handle other people talking to your partner (like for instance NOT being jealous about everyone all the time?).

faded-as-my-jeans:

Someone posted this comment on the anal sex article on Jezebel today.

Here is the link.

Holy fuck.

microaggressions:

“It’s okay to have a vagina. It’s not okay to be a vagina,” says an close male friend to me after I remarked that a TV show might be too violent for me to continue watching. “What makes you think it’s okay to say that to anyone?” I ask. “It’s a common colloquialism I use,” he says. I feel utterly betrayed, hurt, and silenced by this.

Response: ‘It’s okay to have a dick. It’s not okay to be a dick.’

Okay, I know that’s not an appropriate response; I was just mad. It’s not okay to equate people’s genitalia to (what you perceive as) negative characteristics. This is rude.

Better response: “Well, Bob, it’s okay to have an asshole. It’s not okay to be an asshole.”

[I feel like you’re automatically on the woman’s side though. Maybe she was extremely selfish and just didn’t want a child, and was using abortion as a form of birth control, if you will? You don’t have the guy’s entire story but you’re deciding that he’s “blaming” her, yet you have NONE of the woman’s side of the story but she’s automatically always right in whatever she chooses? I fully understand and respect that it is her body and she’s entitled to do anything she wants with it, but can’t you then also understand why the guy would be upset about it and feel like it’s something that has ruined his life? I feel like you’re judging him extremely harshly based on one sentence (that it ruined his life) but giving the woman a “free pass”.]

You’re kidding, right? I am automatically on the pregnant person’s side, obviously. It is not selfish to not want to be pregnant or give birth for any reason. It is not selfish to use any kind of birth control—which btw nobody uses abortion as their routine birth control method because that’s ridiculous, expensive, and can be stressful and/or painful.

The woman in this scenario doesn’t need a free pass because her choices are not under any scrutiny. She can have an abortion for any reason she chooses, regardless of what her boyfriend or anyone else thinks of it. There is no justification necessary. Ever. I assume you consider yourself pro-choice because you didn’t write that his ex is some harlot about to rot in hell for killing her “baby,” but you are seriously misguided. The lines you’re touting about wanting abortion for a selfish reason and/or using it as birth control comes from a place of sexism and slut shaming, wherein women exercising control over their own bodies are selfish sluts who just want to have unprotected sex and not deal with the consequences. You sound like an anti-choicer. Not a good way to be.

For those asking me about cismen and abortions:

I found one man’s statements to be sexist and entitled. I don’t think all men who have feelings about their partners’ pregnancies are sexist.

I understand that someone may have feelings about their partner’s pregnancy. If it’s a wanted pregnancy, couples may be doing fun baby prep things together and I totally understand that the non-pregnant partner can be attached to the fetus. This all seems healthy and good to me.

If your partner decides to terminate their pregnancy, and you as the non-pregnant partner have negative feelings about that, I think your feelings are valid. If you mourn the loss of potential there, I’m still with you and I respect those feelings.

This guy is on another level. Let me give you some quotes, so I can illustrate my problems with him:

It’s not that I couldn’t force her to have the baby. It’s that I couldn’t talk her out of not having it, even though we were older and better equipped than my own mother when she had me to raise and care for a baby.

…while what could have been my daughter was being killed two rooms over.

My girlfriend, when I was 25, had an abortion that has pretty much ruined the rest of my life.

First, he professes to be pro-choice but he admits he tried to talk her out of her decision about her own body. This is not respecting her decision. This is not being pro-choice. If a pregnant person wants to discuss their options with their partner, that’s great. As their partner, you can then involve yourself in discussing the options. Once they have decided, you should not try to get them to sway your way. He also uses that first quote to cast some aspersions on the ex. She didn’t do what he wanted EVEN THOUGH SHE TOTALLY COULD HAVE TAKEN CARE OF THAT KID. Her abortion is not justified because he thought circumstances were okay to have a child.

Second, he uses anti-choice language. “Being killed” is not a medical term. The exgirlfriend was having an abortion, a legal, medical procedure.

Finally, not only did he not respect this woman or her decision when she was making it, he goes on to say her decision has ruined his life. She did something to him that has ruined his life. But what did she do except exert control over her own body? His wording bothers me. It seems like he harbors resentment against her for having an abortion. This comes across further when he says he tried to talk her out of it and she wouldn’t be swayed even though their circumstances would have allowed them to care for a child (in his estimation).

Resenting your partner for making the choice to end a pregnancy is not pro-choice. Blaming your partner for not doing what you wanted with her body and thereby ruining your life, is not pro-choice.

I hope this answers everyone’s questions.

[Why is it that you (and a lot of other feminist blogs) find Jezebel problematic? I also see a lot of feminist blogs hold similar views to TVTropes. I’m just curious why this is? Am I missing something about these sites?]

Well, the simple answer is that I that I don’t think it’s a very inclusive space for people of color. This isn’t unique to Jezebel by any means; this is a critique that can be applied to a lot of mainstream feminist sites. I mentioned my issue with Jezebel only because someone submitted an article from their site. The problem is with the articles, but even more so with the comments. You stick a bunch of privileged people together, and they basically make it their business to ignore and/or ridicule dissenting voices. I prefer to read feminist tumblrs and smaller blogs where the issues experienced by those of us who do not fit in the white, cis, hetero female bubble can be discussed openly. As for TVTropes, I have no clue. I’ve never frequented the site.

[it kinda makes it hard for a man like me to wanna be a feminist when he hears “fuck the patriarchy.” i think that this sentence is what contributes to the stereotype of women being man haters. not saying that i hate feminists, just saying that it makes me feel conflicted because i feel like im part of the problem.]

Personally, I think what contributes to the stereotype of feminists being man haters is a bunch of privileged people who feel threatened by other people asking for equal rights going around saying, ‘feminists are man haters!’ but maybe that’s just me. ‘Patriarchy’ is not slang for ‘all cisgender men’ but if you think that all men have a vested interested in upholding patriarchy, you are part of the problem. Fuck the patriarchy means fuck the systematic oppression and discrimination of people who are not cisgender men. Fuck the wage gap. Fuck the rape culture. Fuck transphobia and transmisogyny. Fuck rigid gender roles. Fuck homophobia. Fuck racism. Fuck fucking Christopher Columbus Day. Patriarchy lends itself most easily toward talking about sex and gender issues, so there is a move toward saying fuck the kyriarchy. But if all feminists right now start using ‘fuck the kyriarchy,’ we’re still going to be accused of being man haters. Some people with privilege don’t want it to be challenged and they feel threatened by movements that seek to create equality. That’s unlikely to change no matter which word we use. There are legit issues people have with identifying with feminism, but the use of this word is not one of them.

You’re not ‘the patriarchy.’ You’re one person. And if you’re a person who thinks we non-cisdude folks deserve rights, respect, and equality, congrats! You can be a feminist! We’ll even forgive you for this douchey message.

Word.

(via faded-as-my-jeans)

It is difficult to believe that such a widespread violence (that girls twelve years old in the United States now stand a twenty to thirty percent chance of being violently sexually assaulted in their lifetimes) is the responsibility of a small lunatic fringe of psychopathic men. That sexual violence is so pervasive supports the view that the locus of violence against women rests squarely in the middle of what our culture defines as “normal” interactions between men and women. The numbers reiterate a reality that American women have lived with for years: sexual violence against women is part of the every-day fabric of American life.

Allan Griswold Johnson (via sarahjune)

(via faded-as-my-jeans)

Walk for Choice, May Edition →

stfuhatemongers:

I don’t know how many of you are aware of this. So I thought I’d share it here.

This is a HUGE deal for me. When I was 18 I ended up homeless, alone, and pregnant. I lived in my car.

In the end I gave birth to an extremely unhealthy premature/low birth weight baby.She’s 8 now and considered developmentally delayed.

Clearly I had a choice, which gives me comfort, but I hate to think about all the people who may not get the choice and may end up with a far worse outcome.

Please share this. Please come out and do whatever you can to help. It is far bigger than abortion. We’re talking about all reproductive choices!

I’m waiting to see if one is going to take place near me. Followers living in LA, make this happen!

Why I Am a Black Male Feminist by Byron Hurt →

Interesting read, thank you for the submission.

But during my interview, Katz asked me an interesting question. “Byron, how does African-American men’s violence against African-American women uplift the African-American community?”

No one had ever asked me that question before. As an African-American man who was deeply concerned about race issues, I had never given much thought about how emotional abuse, battering, sexual assault, street harassment and rape could affect an entire community, just as racism does.