STFU, Rape Culture!

STFURC is going on a short hiatus...

Thu, 29 Mar 2012 10:46:05 -0700

I’ll be out of town starting today and for most of the first two weeks of April. Please feel free to send me questions or submissions, just know it will take me a while to get to them (even longer than it already takes me!). :)

Anyone interested in helping with a new project for suvivors?

Thu, 29 Mar 2012 10:24:05 -0700

hiphopcheerleader is creating a tumblr for women of color who are sexual violence survivors. This blog will be a safe space for WOC to share your stories and get resources and support, and just generally provide a shared community. hiphopcheerleader is looking for people who would be interesting in discussing ideas, contributing to the blog, and/or possibly acting as co-admin. If anyone is interested in helping, please feel free to contact her!

Do: accept that there will be times we go through months of being okay, and then suddenly all hell breaks lose. It doesn't mean we're hopeless, it just means we're human. Don't: tell anyone without our express permission. We trusted you with something VERY complex and close to us. Sometimes we're not ready for the whole world to know yet. Do: remember that we really do love you, but sometimes we're not sure how to show it. Be patient.

Wed, 28 Mar 2012 13:13:11 -0700

[Do: accept that there will be times we go through months of being okay, and then suddenly all hell breaks lose. It doesn’t mean we’re hopeless, it just means we’re human. Don’t: tell anyone without our express permission. We trusted you with something VERY complex and close to us. Sometimes we’re not ready for the whole world to know yet. Do: remember that we really do love you, but sometimes we’re not sure how to show it. Be patient.]

Do: understand that sometimes we just can't handle physical contact. Even hugs can sometimes be too much. It's not you, sometimes we just need physical space to feel safe. Don't: get angry about it. I mean, don't be angry at the guy who did it, at least outwardly. I know with me, it scared the hell out of me and I wouldn't talk more about it for MONTHS. I didn't want to see him that mad. Do: be supportive and let her talk WHEN SHE WANTS TO. But don't force it.

Wed, 28 Mar 2012 13:12:50 -0700

[Do: understand that sometimes we just can’t handle physical contact. Even hugs can sometimes be too much. It’s not you, sometimes we just need physical space to feel safe. Don’t: get angry about it. I mean, don’t be angry at the guy who did it, at least outwardly. I know with me, it scared the hell out of me and I wouldn’t talk more about it for MONTHS. I didn’t want to see him that mad. Do: be supportive and let her talk WHEN SHE WANTS TO. But don’t force it.]

For the anon seeking advice: when I told my boyfriend about my rape experience, he was very understanding and didn't blame me at all. He offered to talk about it whenever I feel like it, but doesn't force me to do so. He also stopped laughing at rape jokes and using the word rape to refer to things that weren't rape after I told him about my experience. I've told him about a few of my triggers (which aren't many, but can be a bit specific) and he's always careful to avoid them.

Wed, 28 Mar 2012 11:57:47 -0700

[For the anon seeking advice: when I told my boyfriend about my rape experience, he was very understanding and didn’t blame me at all. He offered to talk about it whenever I feel like it, but doesn’t force me to do so. He also stopped laughing at rape jokes and using the word rape to refer to things that weren’t rape after I told him about my experience. I’ve told him about a few of my triggers (which aren’t many, but can be a bit specific) and he’s always careful to avoid them.]

Thank you for sharing. Sounds like a good boyfriend. :)

Advice for partners of survivors?

Wed, 28 Mar 2012 11:43:00 -0700

Anon asked:

Do you have any advice for men who are in relationships with someone who was raped?

I’ve been sitting on your question for a bit, I’m sorry. I think our followers can chime in and offer you some suggestions. That would probably be most helpful. But, some things to check out, for partners of survivors (because the partner and survivor can be of any gender!):

Support for partners has some suggestions
Partners of sexual abuse survivors has some dos and don’ts to check out
Pandora’s Project has some tips on sexual experiences when you’re the partner of a survivor (note: this page has problematic phrasing, as it refers to survivors as women only). They also have some more general tips.

Followers, I’m sure you have more advice to offer! Any survivors or partners of survivors want to contribute advice for this person?

Hi there - I'm writing a paper for my Feminist Anthropology class on visual representations of rape in popular media. Do you know of any sites that have a good collection of advertisements, pictures, shows, etc of rape culture? This would be super helpful! Thank you - Jessica

Wed, 28 Mar 2012 11:28:15 -0700

[Hi there - I’m writing a paper for my Feminist Anthropology class on visual representations of rape in popular media. Do you know of any sites that have a good collection of advertisements, pictures, shows, etc of rape culture? This would be super helpful! Thank you - Jessica]

Well, there’s the sexist ads tumblr, which features ads related to rape. I don’t know of anywhere that collect what you’re looking for specifically.

Followers?

ok ignore those last two asks my computer is messing up bad. it's long so i'll do a submit. sorry.

Wed, 28 Mar 2012 08:29:05 -0700

[ok ignore those last two asks my computer is messing up bad. it’s long so i’ll do a submit. sorry.]

Anon, I don’t think you submitted anything, did you…?

[TW Rape]

Fri, 23 Mar 2012 08:29:06 -0700

My boyfriend raped me. He forced me to give him a blowjob and then lifted me against a wall and had sex with me. He told me not to tell anyone anything that happens between us, ever. Now I’m acting like the perfect girlfriend. What’s wrong with me?

An anon sent me the link to this post. OP, if you are reading this, there is nothing wrong with you. You were betrayed by someone you trusted and cared for, and it is hard to know how to handle that. If you need someone to talk to about it, please think about contacting a rape crisis counselor. They can listen to your feelings and try to help. Please be safe, and take care of yourself.

[TW rape culture]

Thu, 22 Mar 2012 17:33:06 -0700

Anon said:

My friend danced with my rapist last night and is now friends with him on Facebook. Am I being unreasonable for being annoyed at this? I feel that she has betrayed me and is very stupid as I have told her about him.

This is not unreasonable at all. She’s your friend, and she should support you. The very least she could do is not develop a relationship with someone who raped you. That’s incredibly shitty. I would view it as a betrayal too. Unfortunately, abusive people never seem to have a problem attracting others, even when people know about their behaviors. I don’t know why this is, but it’s definitely scary for her to be hanging around with him. Ugh. Did you talk to her about it?

[TW rape]

Thu, 22 Mar 2012 17:05:05 -0700

Anon said:

When I was 17 I went out on a date with this 21 year old guy& we decided to watch a movie at my house later when my parents weren’t home. I really did think it meant watch a movie, but he began moving my hand to his penis and trying to get me to give him a handjob. I was a virgin to everything before that night. He asked me over and over until eventually I said yes to having sex with him even though I had told him repeatedly that I wasn’t ready and I didn’t want to. I didn’t realize until when I asked him to wear a condom,he went to his car, which means he had prepared for this to happen.It was really painful and when I asked him to stop, after not wanting it to begin with, he said he wanted to ‘finish’. I was trying not to cry because it was so painful. It’s been four years and I still think about it, when I told other people after it happened, they acted like it was normal. I was sober during this and I often feel guilty and responsible for what happened.

Situations like this are unfortunately common, because rape is common, but they are not normal. You have nothing to feel guilty about, anon. This guy coerced you into having sex—which is rape. The only meaningful consent is consent that occurs enthusiastically, without pressure from someone else. You didn’t do anything wrong and you were not responsible. He was. I’m sorry this happened to you.

[TW rape culture]

Thu, 22 Mar 2012 16:25:00 -0700

Anon said:

At school there was this boy who asked me to stay up in the common room with him because he had been sexiled, and no one else was up. I said yes, and we were sitting and talking for a while. He kept touching me and flirting with me, and I was pretty clearly not having any of it, taking his hands off of me and moving away. He leaned in to kiss me and I leaned away stating that he was drunk. He didn’t push it any farther but I felt kind of pressured. I don’t know what to think of this. Help?

To me, this situation feels like harassment. I would label any time someone comes on to you in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable and/or can’t take a hint to back off, as harassment. In your situation, when you said no, this person stopped trying anything. However, prior to that, you were clearly giving nonverbal indications that you weren’t interested, which makes his behavior creepy and inappropriate at best. I don’t know what kind of touching happened, but if you feel like he touched you at all sexually without your consent, that would be sexual assault. It’s not clear to me from your ask. Certainly it’s okay to feel however you want about it, to feel uncomfortable around this guy or whatever. He definitely should have taken the hint the first time you moved away.

One of the new brotips ("fifty no's followed by one yes still means yes.") realled worried me. Since most of their tips have something to do with sex, I think this could be taken as gospel by a lot of impressionable douchebags to mean that if they harass someone long enough or get that person drunk, that person is bound to say yes. It's a dangerous thing to tell the many college-age people who take brotips seriously.

Mon, 19 Mar 2012 17:22:56 -0700

[One of the new brotips (“fifty no’s followed by one yes still means yes.”) realled worried me. Since most of their tips have something to do with sex, I think this could be taken as gospel by a lot of impressionable douchebags to mean that if they harass someone long enough or get that person drunk, that person is bound to say yes. It’s a dangerous thing to tell the many college-age people who take brotips seriously.]

I see that they posted this link to their tumblr, indicating they did not intend for that tip to be related to pressuring someone into sex. Hopefully their followers will read that post.

morecoffee replied to your post: Anon asked: I had a similar experience to that… The Canadian...

Thu, 15 Mar 2012 14:56:55 -0700

morecoffee replied to your post: Anon asked: I had a similar experience to that…

The Canadian Women’s Health Network has a page of advice for this problem: cwhn.ca/fr/node… The tips look really useful.

They really do, thank you for sharing this. :) I’m going to add it to that post and also link it on the main tumblr.

Anon asked: I had a similar experience to that anon that asked about her doctor abusing her for an...

Thu, 15 Mar 2012 14:31:00 -0700

Anon asked:

I had a similar experience to that anon that asked about her doctor abusing her for an exam, and I was wondering if you had any tips about how to go about the next exam with a new doctor to prevent panic attacks from happening? Like should I mention it to the doctor beforehand? (I was also raped in the past so I have bad panic attacks)

Yeah, if you feel comfortable disclosing, it would be a good idea. You don’t even have to tell them everything if you don’t want to, just that you are prone to panic attacks, and unexpected touching can prompt one. You can ask that they let you know everything they are going to do before they do it, and that they move slowly through whatever physical exams they are doing. If you get a doctor that doesn’t listen to your concerns and/or treats you in a way you feel uncomfortable with, switch doctors if you can. You are entitled to compassionate care from a good doctor who will respect your needs and your body.

If we’re talking about paps, those suckers can be uncomfortable and nerve wracking no matter how many times you’ve had it. Doctors should be understanding about that. Sometimes it can be disconcerting too because you can’t see what they’re doing/about to do. If you’d feel better if you could see, you can even ask if a nurse can be in the room and hold a mirror for you. I think that’s a reasonable accommodation. You’re also able to have someone in the room with you if you want to. It can be family, friend, partner, whatever. If you feel better with someone there with you, no doctor should refuse. And remember that you have the right to refuse any kind of exam, for any reason. If you are not expecting a pap, or you don’t understand why they want to do it, ask questions. If you’re not comfortable, don’t do it. If you don’t like the doctor and you don’t want them to touch you, don’t do it. It’s your body and you can always say no.

Anybody else have tips on interacting with doctors for this person?

ETA: you can check out this tips here, which sound good. Thanks, morecoffee for sending that my way!

What is the difference between rape and sexual assault? Is rape a form of sexual assault or is it the same thing?

Thu, 15 Mar 2012 13:56:48 -0700

[What is the difference between rape and sexual assault? Is rape a form of sexual assault or is it the same thing?]

There’s no difference when you’re just talking about it; I use them interchangeably. Depending on the law where you live, there may be legal distinctions, wherein the criteria for rape is stringent, and anything that doesn’t meet it falls under sexual assault, sexual battery, etc. The law uses a lot of terms to describe assault.

[TW discussion of rape fantasies]

Mon, 12 Mar 2012 21:56:36 -0700

Anon said:

Many women in my life have suffered through violence and sexual abuse. I am so infuriated by it that I have committed my intellectual and emotional life to being an ally to women. However, I can’t help but feel wicked. In my heart of hearts, there are times when I find rape alluring or sexually arousing. This isn’t something I’ve ever openly admitted to anyone, and it’s really hard to ask anonymously. But my life has just been surround by sexual violence, incest.. Terrible things. Am I rapist?

No. You are not a rapist unless you actually commit rape. Here’s what I think… a lot of people have rape fantasies. People are interested in porn that simulates rape, reading non consensual sex stories, etc. All of these things are okay, and they are nothing to be ashamed of. In these situations, no one gets hurts, and you can explore these kind of fantasies with a willing partner. As long as they never bridge the gap to reality, this is fine, and please don’t beat yourself up over it.

From the tone of your message, I’m wondering if your thoughts go farther than what I’ve described above. If you feel that your thoughts are moving from fantasies to planning of actual rape, that’s a serious problem. If this is the case for you, and you can see yourself hurting someone, then please speak with a professional about that. You need to seek help now, rather than waiting until you may really hurt someone.

[TW rape culture]

Mon, 12 Mar 2012 17:51:17 -0700

Anon asked:

This may sound stupid but how exactly can men be raped by women? Of course they can be penetrated with a dildo but I mean without that? Is it possible for women to rape men without using anything other than their bodies? I also mean aside from statutory rape. Because women can be forced into sex without arousal but men need to be aroused and erect. Example?

People of any gender can be raped by perpetrators of any gender. Penetration isn’t necessary for something to qualify as rape. Any unwanted sexual contact counts. So if a person’s penis is felated, fondled, etc, these qualify as rape.

In your example of a cisgender man being raped by a cisgender woman, the important thing to remember is that arousal does not equal consent. Our bodies react to stimulation, sometimes even if that stimulation is unwanted. Arousal during rape can be experienced by victims of all genders, and some survivors blame themselves and feel guilty about their body’s reactions. But just because someone’s body reacts to stimulation does not mean they are giving consent. Only clear, enthusiastic consent means yes.

http://projectunbreakable.tumblr.com/

Mon, 12 Mar 2012 16:36:06 -0700

Unbelievably powerful images.

STFURC: I follow the blog too. :) Trigger warning on that link. People send in a picture of themselves holding a card or paper with something their rapist said to them. It can be very triggering.

[TW sexual assault, medical misconduct]

Mon, 12 Mar 2012 16:07:05 -0700

Anon said:

I think my doctor assaulted me. I went to the doctor for a routine checkup and she said I had to do my women’s health check. I didn’t want a vaginal exam at the time. I refused and refused until she finally wore me down. I recall being nervous and scared. I cried through the whole exam because it was uncomfortable and I was shaky the rest of the day. She didn’t even try to reassure me. Now, a year later…I think I was assaulted? Was I or am I making something out of nothing?

You are definitely not making something out of nothing. Medical health professionals do not have free reign to do whatever they want to your body without your consent. Pap smears are important for your health, but you have the absolute right to decline them. You have the right to decline anything you don’t want. When you’ve explicitly refused a medical procedure, more than once even, they should not continue to push it and/or administer that procedure when it is obvious that it is traumatizing you. This is completely unacceptable, and I would consider it to be assault.

There are things you can do about this if you want to. You can report this doctor to your state’s medical board for misconduct. You can also report her to the facility she works at (assuming she is not in private practice). Things like verbally or physically harassing, abusing, or intimidating a patient are medical misconduct. It’s totally up to you whether you want to make a report, but it sounds to me like you would have a case. If you happened to be under 18 at the time, your complaint would be taken even more seriously.