STFU, Rape Culture!

A word of warning: This blog discusses the various ways in which our culture excuses, normalizes, and sometimes condones rape, sexual assault, and other potentially graphic topics. Please be aware that posts may be upsetting or triggering.
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Her submission was this:

My husband and I have had an open marriage for the last two years. Up until five months ago, it was working beautifully. At that point, however, I was sexually assaulted by a former partner. Since that incident, I cannot stand sex with my husband. I completely flip out when he tries to initiate sexual contact. My skin crawls. I become panicked and feel repulsed. I just cannot handle it. Those times when I go along with it anyway leave me feeling enraged and disgusted.

I don’t think this is completely unheard of for someone who was relatively recently assaulted, and I am considering therapy to help me work through it. The immediate “problem” is that I have no difficulty having sex with my boyfriend. In fact, the sex with him is amazing and leaves me feeling loved and whole and wonderful.

This is breaking my husband’s heart. He has become incredibly jealous of my relationship with my boyfriend. He’s depressed. He’s angry. He accuses me of no longer loving him, and he wants me to stop sleeping with my boyfriend until our marriage is back to normal. I feel like a horrible person, but I just can’t do that. I need that outlet. I need that support. And I admit I have a hard time believing that my husband and I will ever be able to go back to the way things were before.

I feel like I’ve already lost my former partner (fucked-up though that may seem) and my husband. It kills me to think about cutting out the one positive relationship remaining. On the other hand, I do love my husband—very much—and watching him suffer like this is unbearable.

Potentially Traumatized Sexual Deviant

And his response:

I’m sorry that you were sexually assaulted—that’s awful, PTSD, and I hope you went to the police and I hope you’re pressing charges. But I also hope you know that being the victim of sexual assault is not a Get Out of Being a Human Being Free card.

Just because you’ve been victimized doesn’t mean you operate in an alternate moral universe where you’re not obligated to take other people’s feelings into consideration—particularly the feelings of people you profess to love and happen to be married to. Your first priority in the wake of your assault had to be your own physical and emotional safety, of course, but your behavior toward your husband is both cruel and selfish.

If you truly loved your husband and valued your marriage, PTSD, you would’ve put the boyfriend on hold and gotten your ass into therapy without having to be told. It looks to me like you want out of this marriage. But instead of taking responsibility for wanting out, you’re playing the victim card while slamming both hands down on your marriage’s self-destruct button.

To sum up, PTSD: You’re being a total shit. Do you love your husband? Is your marriage a priority? Then start acting like it: Cut the boyfriend off—for the indefinite future—and get your ass onto a counselor’s couch. If you’re not willing to do those things, PTSD, then stop emotionally assaulting your husband and put both your marriage and him out of their misery.

I have no words. Bolded parts were as a result of anger and disbelief that a person in charge of a “Good Cause” can be so unempathetic and victim blaming.

I guess if anyone would know how to play the ‘Get Out of Being a Human Being Free’ card, it’s Dan Savage. Congrats to him on adding survivor shaming to his already varied repertoire.

(via sluteverxxx)

  1. a-blog-called-everything reblogged this from dailymurf and added:
    No wonder.
  2. electric-octopus reblogged this from kbutno and added:
    Regardless of what that asshole said (it was a very abrasive and abusive response, and he clearly took the side of her...
  3. kbutno reblogged this from jewelweed
  4. angelsaves reblogged this from stfurapeculture
  5. deliamary reblogged this from dailymurf and added:
    whoa. whoa whoa whoa. worth reading the whole thing
  6. ribbitz reblogged this from stfurapeculture
  7. caterfree10 reblogged this from void-symphony and added:
    Why does anyone give this asshole the time of day again? B|
  8. the-goblin-king reblogged this from void-symphony and added:
    Dan Savage, please shut the fuck up Shut the fuck up Shut. The. Fuck. Up.
  9. fracturedrefuge reblogged this from stfurapeculture
  10. livingwithendo reblogged this from stfurapeculture
  11. ashleyintransit reblogged this from stfurapeculture and added:
    The only problem I saw with the article is that the woman has a husband and a boyfriend, and she only feels safe having...
  12. stfurapeculture reblogged this from ohn-jay and added:
    I knew it was only a matter of time until someone said this. No, no, let’s not even get into the rape. I mean, that’s...
  13. nonbinary-bolin reblogged this from stfurapeculture and added:
    Dan Savage is one of the most disgusting people I am aware of. I just…..there are no words
  14. dadgenes reblogged this from stfurapeculture and added:
    The world just makes me one to throw up right now. All of this disregard for humanity is disgusting.
  15. sydneyypaigee reblogged this from moonf0x and added:
    I kind of agree with him though. But the way he said it could have been way nicer; but regardless, it’s the truth, and...
  16. moonf0x reblogged this from stfurapeculture and added:
    She isn’t just triggered by sex, she’s triggered by sex with her husband.
  17. thisfan reblogged this from girl-non-grata and added:
    I have to agree with girl-non-grata on this one. I would have phrased it differently than Dan did, but I don’t think...
  18. skeletonfun reblogged this from stfurapeculture
  19. scooterpiebanana reblogged this from stfurapeculture
  20. itsasilentp reblogged this from stfurapeculture and added:
    Um, I really don’t see what’s wrong with his reply at all. Not once did he trivialize her PTSD or the fact that she got...
  21. petrichoriousparalian reblogged this from stfurapeculture and added:
    Dan Savage, go fall off a cliff.
  22. ekom-aka-makoma reblogged this from stfurapeculture and added:
    I’m officially convinced that this guy hates women. Seriously, this is just… ugh.