I was sexually assaulted on a regular basis between the ages of 7 and 8. He was between the ages of 9 and 10, and in the year above me at school. At playtime, he would make me meet him behind the shed and pin me against the fence or ground, then kiss me, grope me, dry hump me and stick his hand in my pants. He would sometimes make me touch his penis. He told me I was his girlfriend, that he was going to marry me when I turned 16, that this was what I had to do to prepare for our married life, and that I had to do as he said and tell no one or he would hurt my baby sister. If I resisted or told him I didn’t want to, or wanted him to stop, he physically restrained me, sometimes hit me, and told me I was a dirty little slut. On at least one of these occasions I remember him telling me about a very well thought out plan to sneak up on and injure or kill my baby sister when my mother brought her to school to pick me up, which he said he would carry out if I didn’t do what he wanted. It stopped after I spent several weeks off school with a long bout of flu, which I now wonder if my body caused to get me out of there. I only started to realise it was assault and stop blaming myself earlier this year. Since then, I’ve been remembering more and more details. It scares me how much I made myself forget. I think he may have abused my friend too, as i remember being ordered to guard the entrance to the space behind the shed while he took her there at least once, but i don’t feel comfortable talking to her about it, and even if i did I think she’s forgotten, and I don’t want to put her through remembering. In the 11 years since, I have had great difficulty trusting men, even my dad and brother, and have never had a proper relationship. I have also been extremely over protective of my sister. A few years ago I went through a phase of having anxiety attacks where I spent hours hiding under my blankets like a frightened child, but I got therapy for this and stopped having them. I never talked to the therapist, or anyone else, about the abuse though. I don’t think I blame him for what he did, I know he was probably abused himself, But he still lives in the same area as my parents, and the thought of seeing him again terrifies me.
Thank you for sharing your story. I am glad that you have been able to realize that this was in no way your fault. You were a kid, dealing with a situation no child should be put in.
Are you interested in talking to a therapist about it now, since you’re remembering more? I can’t imagine that running in to this person would ever not be completely terrifying. :( If it’s a possibility though, maybe a therapist might be able to talk about your fear with you so you would feel more prepared if it does happen. I’m so sorry about what you went through. I hope you never have to see this person again, and that you and your friend will both be okay.