NSFW: I have a question which is weird, but has concerned me for a while. My boyfriend (well, fiance I guess-still getting used to that) has a fantasy where he’ll wake up to me doing something sexual to him. He’s told me this fantasy several times. However, I feel vaguely uncomfortable with the idea because doing something sexual to someone who is asleep/unconscious is rape because they cannot consent. I’ve told him this; he says since he wants it it’s fine. Is it? What do you think?
Not a weird question at all. :)
Legally, you’re right that sleeping people cannot consent. And consent cannot be given in advance for a future situation.
That being said, it’s certainly not uncommon for people to enjoy being woken up by their partner initiating sexual contact. If you are interested in trying it with your fiance (congrats!! :)), then my opinion is, it’s fine and you can go for it. If you’re with a partner you trust, and you are both in agreement about what you want, I think it’s okay to try things like this. Talk about it in advance, establish any boundaries he would want or you would want, and proceed cautiously.
But if the idea makes you uncomfortable, then it makes you uncomfortable, period. He will have to accept that this is one fantasy you guys don’t share and it’s not going to happen.