STFU, Rape Culture!

Anon asked:

I was raped while under the influence of drugs. I don’t remember much at all. My best friend told me the guy “might not know he did anything wrong” because it was more like he “took advantage of me” and not that he raped me. My best friend also thinks rape jokes are funny and refuses to see other wise. He is male and I think that makes it more difficult for him to grasp (is that ignorant?). I can’t lose people in my life just because they don’t understand. I’d lose a lot of people. What do I do?

Honestly, I would ditch this guy fast. It’s not a matter of understanding, so much as a matter of care and respect for your friend. You don’t tell your friend that she wasn’t really raped, and you don’t make rape jokes in front of her. This is just not the appropriate way to treat a friend. So that’s what I would do. As for his gender, cis men internalize rape culture the same way the rest of us do, but I don’t think that thinking critically about it is any harder for them than it is for the rest of us. Your friend even has you in his life—which if anything should open his eyes up to rape culture, and still perpetuates it.

That being said, I can empathize with you on how hard it is to cut people who you care about out of your life, even when they’re hurting you with their behavior. If you’re not willing to let this person out of your life, then it sounds like you already made a decision. If that’s what you want, then I think it would be good to at least set some boundaries with him. It is completely reprehensible to tell rape jokes in front of a rape survivor and I cannot imagine why anyone would do this—at the very least your friend should stop doing this in front of you. He doesn’t have to understand why you don’t like them, but he does have to respect your feelings. He may be receptive to this if you phrase it that way. You already know he won’t change his views, but you’re just asking him to not upset you with them. As for how he views your rape, well, obviously he’s wrong. You should not have to argue with him to make him get this. It doesn’t matter what the rapist thinks he was doing; it matters what he did. And according to you, and the law, and common sense, you were raped. I’m not sure what to advise you to do on this part… maybe you just tell him you aren’t comfortable talking about the rape with him at all, and ask him to respect that. You close the door on any support you may get from him, but it doesn’t sound like he is giving you any to begin with.

Followers, anything else?