STFU, Rape Culture!

alpacazen replied to your post: alpacazen replied to your post: TW: rape how would…

This is a serious question, sorry! I mean, what if he was drunk too? I’m by no means saying it was her fault, I am just curious. I know I have done stuff (sexually) while I was blacked out and I blacked in right in the middle.

The problem with having sex with drunk people is that it is entirely possible that they are not capable of giving consent, and you may have no idea. In some cases it’s obvious—the person is barely walking, is unconscious, cannot speak to you, etc. But in some cases it may be less clear. Any time you have sex with someone who has been drinking, you run the risk that the other person could later say they would not have consented while sober, and what occurred was rape. If you’re both drunk, that doesn’t matter. Being drunk doesn’t absolve you of responsibility for committing a crime.

alpacazen replied to your post: TW: rape

how would he know she was blacked out?

Is this a serious question?

Can you not tell the difference between people who are intoxicated and those who are not? Pretty sure most people can. Common signs would be lack of coordination, slurring, dulled reflexes, mood alteration, etc.

Anon said:

I have a boyfriend. I was at a party a few months ago where I got blackout drunk, and a friend of mine and I had sex. I can’t remember any of it and I wouldn’t have done it while I was sober, but I feel conflicted because there was some flirting going on between us for the weeks beforehand, and he’s not a bad guy, and just… Ffff. I don’t know. It was maybe half a year ago now, but I still feel suicidal over the fact that it happened. I feel disgusting.

Flirting or no flirting, you guys did not have sex. He raped you. Consent cannot be given by someone who is blacked out. You did nothing wrong, anon. The fact is, this “friend” is a bad guy. He took advantage of your inability to give real consent, and he raped you.

I’m so sorry for what you’ve been going through since that time. Have you talked to anyone about it? There are resources out there for you, if you’d like to. You were not to blame for your rape, I promise you. Please seek support if you need it. And take care. <3

Anon said:

NJ anon again, it’d be great if there were LGBT-friendly resources since I’m bisexual, but if there aren’t any don’t worry about it. Thank you so much for your help. :)

I’m not having any luck finding something online. New Jersey Coalition Against Sexual Assault (NJCASA) at least mentions LGBT on their website, so that’s somewhat of a good sign. I know Pittsburgh is actually nowhere near you, but if you’re looking for a place to call and don’t need to be seen in person, Pittsburg Action Against Rape has a hotline (866 number so not long distance, I think?) that’s 24 hours. They’ve been mentioned as LGBT friendly.

Does anyone in or around Jersey know of a good rape crisis center that’s safe for LGBT folks? Please let us know!

Anon asked:

My ex girlfriend (for clarification, I am also female) with whom I was in a long distance relationship with used to coerce me into phone sex; I never got off but she would ask me to make noises for her loudly even when she knew people sleeping nearby would hear. I spent some time at her apartment once and she was pushy sometimes about asking for mutual masturbation, kissing (even though I think it’s gross; I gagged once), and giving her oral without her ever returning the favor because she said I tasted bad. I never got off with her in all the years we were together, not once.

She was emotionally abusive, I know that much. She called me fat and routinely made fun of me. She always said she’d kill herself if I ever left her, but I finally did. What I want to know is was it sexual assault? Harassment? It just doesn’t feel legitimate that years later I still get nervous on phones and can’t webcam with my friends, and that the idea of being caught masturbating or seen naked terrifies me, but that’s how it is for me. It wasn’t violent or even painful, just upsetting and stressful. Am I overreacting?

No, not at all. Any sexual contact that you had with her where you were not 100% enthusiastic about it was sexual assault. You said she was ‘pushy’ about it, which tells me she coerced ‘consent’ from you. You didn’t give real consent. As for pushing you in to phone sex, sexual assault also encompasses times when something sexual happened without your consent, even if there was no physical contact. Things like people exposing themselves to you, forcing you to expose yourself, coercing you to have phone sex, etc all qualify. These experience are damaging too. You aren’t overreacting. Your feelings are very valid.

Anonymous asked you:

Do you know of any sexual assault resources in New Jersey? (Specifically South Jersey/Atlantic City area?) I tried a Google search without much success and I have no one else I can turn to right now. Sorry for taking up your time but this is really stressing me out and it’s starting to affect my grades but I’d feel weird talking about this kind of stuff to my high school guidance counselor…

I’m happy to help, so please don’t even worry about that. I found this list of crisis centers in NJ. It looks like this list is from 2005, so if the one nearest to you isn’t operating for whatever reason, you can try New Jersey Coalition Against Sexual Assault (NJCASA). They have a statewide hotline. I don’t know the track record of any of these places for LGBT folks. If you need a space that’s confirmed as safe for LGBT, please let me know and I will do the best I can to find out which would be best for you to contact. Hope one of these places can help you!

Anonymous asked you:

I’ve spent the past several years trying to decide on a label for what happened to me at 13. An (alternative) medicine practitioner met with me alone, basically came onto me, and kissed me, but it never went beyond that. I finally decided to describe myself as “someone who escaped sexual assault” because I think it WOULD have gotten much, much worse, but I did get away from him in time. And I guess I was just wondering what an expert’s thoughts would be.

Well, I’m not an expert, just an average person who happens to rant a lot about sexual assault, but thank you for thinking that highly of my opinion. :) What happened to you was sexual assault. It would be inappropriate for any medical practitioner to come on to a patient—there is a trusting relationship there that should never be violated like this. Also, any unwanted sexual contact (from anyone, to anyone) counts as sexual assault. In your case, you were also quite young, which can mean this person would be subject to harsher legal penalties for his actions.

Even if things could have been worse, it doesn’t diminish what happened to you. I’m sure it was really terrifying. However you want to describe yourself/your experiences is perfectly okay. No one is obligated to call themselves a survivor or a victim if they don’t want to.

witherwind asked you:

A “friend” of mine compared my being sexually assaulted a year ago to me getting physical with the guy I’ve been seeing for a while, and insinuated that my dude would hurt me like my attacker did because I’m “naive” and “too easy”. This conversation took place last night, and since then I’ve been miserable. I know she’s in the wrong here, but I still feel so disgusting and ashamed of myself now for allowing myself to be put in a sexual situation with a man, even though I know he won’t hurt me :(

You said it yourself—she’s in the wrong. That’s victim blaming bullshit she’s spouting at you. You weren’t sexually assaulted because you’re naive or easy. You were assaulted because a rapist decided to assault you. You know that. You have nothing to be ashamed of regarding this attack—it was not your fault. And what a horrible friend for even thinking something like this, let alone verbalizing it to you.

There is a world of difference between sexual assault and healthy, consensual sexual activity. Most partners are not going to rape you, or otherwise hurt you, if you are getting physical. There are partners who do, that’s true. But even when you have a partner who assaults you, it’s not because you’re naive, or any other quality about you.

If you feel comfortable with the person you’re dating, then there is nothing wrong with wanting to have sex with them. Sex is perfectly natural and healthy (for most folks, also healthy to not want to have sex!). If you’re a sexual person, getting to a point where you can enjoy consensual sex after being sexually assaulted is wonderful. Some survivors struggle with this. Your friend should be ashamed of herself, for pointing any blame whatsoever on you for being raped, AND for shaming you about consensual activity. Do what feels safe and healthy for you! And think about ditching this friend. She sucks and you deserve supportive people in your life. Take care. <3

Anonymous asked you:

I recently went to London for a study abroad program. When I was there, me and a group of students went out to a pub. One of the guys in the group had invited me to come a long. I ended up really drunk and next thing I knew (I dont remember getting there), I was in his hotel room naked. I sobered up when I realized he was giving me anal sex and it hurt so I said stop. He stopped but I still feel violated. I think he was drunk too. But I just dont know if this was wrong or not.

If once you’re sober, you feel you wouldn’t have given consent to what happened, then it was sexual assault. In your case, you had been drinking enough that you don’t remember some of what happened, so you definitely could not have given legal consent. I’m sorry this happened to you, anon. Please, if you need support, find a resource close to you.

nathalie-forever-ago asked you:

I was wondering if you’d be willing to put a link to a post of mine on your blog? I’m an undergrad psychology student beginning work on a research project regarding survivors of sexual assault and their experiences with disclosure. I’m still in the process of writing my proposal & am still reading all of the current literature, but I think that informal responses / input would help me organize my thoughts. Thanks!

I think this is the link you wanted me to use, right?

deltumbles:

lets-blog-about-sex-baby:

Consent is one of the single most important aspect of any relationship, especially one that is sexual or might become sexual. The biggest thing to remember about consent is that it is not ongoing, meaning that a partner may give consent at one point, and then remove that consent at another. Consent is not given automatically simply because one has given it in previous situations, and healthy relationships utilize strong communication, both verbal and physical, when exercising consent. 

Here’s some stuff to keep in mind when it comes to proper consent:

Physical consent/body language/enthusiasm 

Things to ask yourself/look for.

• Is your partner responsive and enthusiastic to your advances? 
• Does your partner seem nervous, upset, afraid, or timid? 
• Is your partner encouraging you by pulling you closer or getting closer to you? 
• Is your partner being hesitant, turning away, or trying to move away or get out of an embrace or position?
• Does your partner seem like they want to speak out against an action/activity? 
• When giving verbal consent, are they enthusiastic or half-hearted? 
• When bringing up something new you want to try, does your partner seem eager to participate or are the hesitant to proceed? 
• Does your partner pull away from your advances. 

Feelings that you should consider when giving consent.

• Do you really want to do this?
• Are you enthusiastic about your partner’s advances? 
• Does anything that your partner is doing make you feel uncomfortable?
• Do you feel like you can’t say no? 
• Do you say yes and then regret it? 
• Do your feel afraid about what your partner is doing? 
• Does your partner frighten you? 
• Do you feel like you HAVE to say yes? 
• Do you feel like you want to stop but are afraid to say it? 

Many people don’t think of body language as a form of consent, but it very much is! A person can say “yes,” but their feelings and body may be saying otherwise. Good consent requires good communication, and a part of communication is listening. You have to, essentially, “listen” to your partner’s body actively as well as the fluctuations in their voice to be really certain about whether or not they’re comfortable with what is happening. 

Verbal consent

Things to ask/say:

• “Are you comfortable with this?” 
• “Can I continue?” 
• “Do you enjoy this?” 
• Where do you want me to touch you?”
• “Tell me when to stop.”
• “Tell me if I hurt you.” 
• “Use the safe word if it’s too much.” 
• “Can I touch you here?”
• “What do you want me to do?”
• “Is this too much?”
• “Do you want to stop?” 
• “Tell me if you want to do something different.” 
• “Is it ok if we try/do this?” 
• “Do I need to slow down/speed up/stop?” 
• “If I do ___ will it be ok?” 
• “Are you ready for this?” 
• “Can we try something new?”

Answers that do not give consent/revoke consent.

• “I’m not comfortable. Can we stop/slow down/try this later?”
• “I don’t want to do this/continue with this.”
• “I don’t enjoy this.”  
• “*Uses safe word.*
• “I don’t want you to touch me me here.” 
• “I don’t want you to ___.” 
• “You’re hurting me.” 
• “This is too much, please stop.” 
• “I want you to stop.” 
• “I’m not ready for this.” 
• “It’s not ok for you to do this.”
• “I don’t want to try that.” 
• “I want you to stop now.” 

Answers that do give consent/reinforce given consent. 

• “I like that, please continue.”
• “I’m ok with this.”
• “I’m comfortable with what you’re doing.”
• “Don’t stop.”
• “I like it when you ___.” 
• “I enjoy this.” 
• “I want you to go on.”
• “I want you to touch me there.” 
• “I want to try/do this.” 
• “Speed up/slow down/do this..” 
• “I want to do more.” 

Ways to not pressure partners. 

• “It’s ok if you don’t want to.”
• “I don’t want to do anything you’re not ready for, so we can wait.”
• “I respect your choice and won’t go further then you want.” 
• “I can wait until you’re ready to do more.” 
• “Tell me what you want, and we can do just that so you’re not uncomfortable.” 
• “I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, so we’ll stop.” 
• “I understand you’re not ready. It’s no big deal.” 

Again, communication, communication, communication. Verbally establishing what is and isn’t ok while also being aware of the physical signs of consent is key. Keep in mind that you don’t just have to ask these questions during sexual activity. Talk about these kinds of things outside of the bedroom too! You can get into detailed conversations about how you want things to go, what you are and aren’t comfortable with, and if anything changes while you’re engaging in sexual activity, you have the power to change your consent. Giving, receiving, and respecting consent is an ongoing process. 

Consent while under the influence of alcohol. 

Things to ask yourself before you drink.

• Do you want to engage in sexual activity while under the influence? 
• How much are you planning drink?
• What kind of people are you going to be around?
• Do the people you’re around know your boundaries? 
• Are you in an environment where you’ll be safe? 
• Are you going to hook up or be with a repeat partner? 

Things to ask others before they drink.

• “Do you wanna hook up?”
• “Are you comfortable with drunk sex?” 
• “Is it ok if we mess around while we’re drinking/drunk?”
• “I know we’ve had drunk sex before, but do you want to do it again?” 

When consent cannot be given while drunk. 

• When someone is passed out.
• When someone has blacked out.
• When someone is wasted, slurring words, stumbling, ect. 
• When someone has specified before drinking that they don’t want sex. 

What is NOT drunk consent, and can be considered rape.

• Pretending to help someone to bed and then sleeping with them while drunk/wasted. 
• Having sex, touching, or doing other things to someone who is unaware of what is going on. 
• Doing the above things to someone who is drunk/wasted who makes it verbally (no matter how slurred or muttered) clear that they do not want you doing these things to them. 
• Having sex, touching, or doing other things with someone who is drunk/wasted who the next day says that they did not consent to those activities. 
• Having sex, touching, or doing other things with a drunk/wasted significant other who the next days says that they did not consent to those activities.
• Having sex, touching, or doing other things with a drunk/wasted person who later feels that they were taken advantage of or coerced.   

Important things to remember about drunk consent.

• People who are drunk have impaired inhibitions, which means they might do things they would not do otherwise if they were sober. Being tipsy and being drunk/wasted have differing levels of consent accuracy, and it is up to you, the person asking for consent, to make wise decisions. Even if it is a partner or friend, you must take into account the situation and ask yourself if they would give you consent in a sober situation, and if THIS situation is one they would give consent it. Be mindful of signs that show that people cannot give consent or haven’t given consent. Even if your advances are not malicious in nature, the other person may not have actually given you consent, and you could end up in an unpleasent situation. 
• Please, please, please remember that a person who is drunk is not a “target.” It is never good to pin-point people who are drunk or wasted for sex because those people may or may not actually be consenting, and the decision to seek out drunk people because they’re “easy,” or “asking for it” perpetuates the idea that if you’re drinking and someone has sex with or does sexual things to you without your consent, that it’s YOUR fault that you were raped/taken advantage of, and NOT the person who did the raping/assault. 

Things to remember about consent.

• Consent is not ongoing or automatic. Fuck buddies, monogamous partners, open partners, spouses, friends with benefits, all of these relationships and more HAVE to practice consent. Saying “yes” one day does not guarantee a “yes” the next. Being in a relationship or having done sexual things prior is not an excuse to ignore lack of consent. 
• Another thing to remember is that it’s just women*/female-identifying people who give consent, nor is it just men*/male identifying people who have to get it. If a person is not comfortable with something, they should be respected by their partner to not be pressured, no matter what their gender identity is! 
• Consent is all about communication from all participants. If someone does not give enthusiastic, genuine consent, even if it’s a yes, it is not truly consent. 

One last thing…

Always remember that CONSENT IS SEXY. There’s nothing better then fully immersing and engaging in sex that you’re 100% enthusiastic about!

-P

wow! really solid post! really awesome awesome questions and guidelines and USEFUL things!! A++; would read again! 

ethiopienne:

SURVIVORS. DO. NOT. NEED. YOUR. INPUT.

[TW: sexual assault, domestic violence]

I cannot tell you how many times I’ve found the courage to speak about what happened to me when I was younger only to hear “…you know you should’ve reported that, right?” or “so you didn’t say anything? what’s wrong with you?” or “well maybe if you had done X or Y or Z he’d be in jail right now and you wouldn’t even be talking about it.”

Do you not realize how vile it is to criticize someone for the way they respond to one of the most heinous events they’ll ever live through? Do you not understand that most survivors (and most people period) already blame the survivors for what happened to them? Do you not understand that policing how they respond to an unwarranted act of physical, mental, psychological, emotional violence does nothing but further encroach upon the survivor’s rights?

It is up to that person—and that person alone—to decide how to go about healing. And if that means therapy, so be it. If that means cussing out the perpetrator on their Facebook wall, so be it. If it means collaborating with the perpetrator on a song, then SO. FUCKING. BE. IT.

Maybe that’s not the path you think you would have chosen, but unless you are that particular survivor, you will never know for a fact what you would have done because you will never be in that same position.

Until it is your body that has been violated, your psyche that has been damaged, you have absolutely no place to speak on what victims/survivors should do in response to the events that change their lives forever.

It is rude, arrogant, self-serving, patronizing, condescending, and just plain wrong. 

Anon asked:

You don’t think it falls on survivors to warn others about a predator? My abuser hurt other girls before me, and none of them told. I know it’s hard but if the first one had spoken out maybe the others, me included, could have been spared. I understand it’s up to the survivor how to deal but it’s not fair to let them get away with it again. All they have to do is tell. Then if someone doesn’t believe them at least that choice is on their shoulders. But if you don’t even know there’s danger…

It’s not fair that anyone gets away with hurting other people, I agree with you. Where we disagree is on how much responsibility falls on survivors. Reporting rape or abuse is not so simple as “all they have to do is tell.” You’re talking about making a police report, possibly being subjected to invasive medical exams, handling questions from police who may not believe you, and most likely informing your friends and family of what happened to you. If your case goes to trial, you face your rapist in court, sit there and get grilled by a defense attorney who puts the blame on you,  and wait to see if a bunch of people who don’t know you believe your story or not. If you report and your rapist pleads out to a lesser charge, maybe people still don’t know enough to stay away from that person in the future. Not every rapist ends up on the sex offender registry. And I don’t think most people do a search for convictions on people before they go out with them.

I encourage people to report abuse and sexual assault if they feel able. It’s not a realistic expectation for everyone to do it. If we want more people to feel capable of reporting, we need to work on improving the system that makes it so hard for victims to do that. Placing this responsibility on the shoulders of survivors in the current system, when many have described their experience with reporting as being ‘re victimized,’ is unfair.

Anon said:

Re: walk of shame… When bf and I were in college we usually slept at his place because his roommate was rarely on campus. I chose to call my walk home in the morning my “strut of gettin’ some” because I felt a-ok about what we were doing. Only once did anyone try to openly judge me for it and I just asked them why the hell they though their outdated gender standards should make me, a consenting adult in a healthy relationship with another consenting adult should feel bad about something that was in no way, shape or form their business. When I asked them why they thought my activities from the night before were their business to consider or judge, they shut up pretty quickly, and my day resumed as planned. Point being that yes, there is a serious cultural problem that is expressed in the expectations that go with that phrase, “walk of shame,” but I think it is totally within our power to rewrite that cultural script in a meaninful way.

Anon said:

I ran into my rapist in WalMart last week. I haven’t seen him in 8 years. While I was leaving to catch up with my friends, he came up behind me in line and said “Your ass got real big. I’d still fuck you though. This time I’d make sure you’re awake though. You’ll like it.” The cashier actually laughed, and I ran out of there. I’ve been having nightmares ever since, and I don’t know how to deal with this. Until now, I hadn’t even talked about him since right after it happened 8 years ago.

I’m so sorry, anon. What a horrible experience. My advice is talk to someone about it. Although you’ve probably been handling things fine up until now, you’ve experienced something that’s really shaken you. Seeing him brought up horrible memories—and his callous remarks are their own form of assault. Please reach out for support from one of the organizations out there to help survivors. Take care of yourself.

Submitted by cheeryfantasies, who said:

This guy friend requested me on FB sometime back. He also has a Tumblr (highcastle.tumblr.com) for his photography which is almost exclusively erotic photos of women. While I have no problem with that I do take issue with someone who works with so many women making a post like the one attached. What a sensitive guy, right?

I take issue with him in general. What an immense douche. SOME PEOPLE GET EATEN BY BEARS, FUCK TRIGGER WARNINGS! Great logic.

anon asked:

your thoughts on the chris brown & rihanna songs that have just come out?

If you care about rape culture and supporting survivors, you do not judge any survivor for the way they handle their abuse. That’s just how it is. So my thoughts are that Rihanna was a victim of a very serious assault, and however she wishes to deal with her abuser is her own business.

I know from personal experience how difficult it can be to get out of an abusive relationship. It is easy to stand on the outside and wonder how people can forgive their abusers, how they can go back to them time and time again. It is never as simple as it looks. Being abused by a loved one does not automatically erase your love for them, even if it seems like it should. Some people forgive. Some people go back to their abuser. It’s very, very complicated. No one has the right to judge how a survivor handles themselves or their relationship with their abuser.

While I would love to see every abuse survivor make a clean break with their abuser (and their abuser dragged through the mud and prosecuted), that is not the reality for everyone. Rihanna doesn’t owe anything to anyone in regards to how she handles this.

With regard to the songs, I don’t like them. Well, I don’t like any of his anyway. But I don’t like this one of hers because it makes me uncomfortable to hear. We the public don’t have to forgive Chris Brown if Rihanna does. But it’s not appropriate to cast aspersions on Rihanna because she doesn’t handle things the way we might like.

Anon asked:

is sexual harassment a part of rape culture?

Yes, for sure. Unwanted sexual advances, comments, jokes, etc are just one way in which people’s boundaries are not respected. Because rape culture is one in which women are routinely infringed upon physically and/or sexually, sexual harassment applies.

Anon said:

So many people defend rape jokes on the ground that murder and death jokes are fine, and this now has me wondering why that is. How is something like the Darwin Awards anything but yet another case of “you should have been smart enough to avoid this horrible thing happening to you”? I think the prevalence of rape jokes and of murder jokes BOTH center in rape culture- the fundamental denial of bodily autonomy at its finest.

I don’t personally find murder very humorous, but I also don’t have a problem with things like people saying, “I’m going to kill you” facetiously in conversation. Murder jokes are very different than rape jokes. I wouldn’t say joking about murder generally is part of rape culture—however some murder jokes are. “I like my women like I like my coffee,” etc. I think the core component to rape culture is misogyny, so not all murders or murder jokes are related. Some certainly are, such as when women are murdered in intimate partner violence.

Joking about murder may be offensive to many people—and that is a problem—but it’s not feeding in to rape culture the way rape jokes are. Also, murder victims are less likely to be blamed for their own death, unlike with rape victims who are likely to be blamed. Victim blaming is not unique to rape—we do see it occurring with victims of other crimes—but rape is unique in how rampant this is. That’s what moves things from in bad taste to contributing to a rape culture.

Anon asked:

Comedians like Anthony Jeselnik and the late Patrice O’Neal have made careers using racy material, a lot of which contains jokes about rape. They’ve been embraced by comedy fans, and networks like viacom’s comedy central and HBO. It’s sick. What would you say to them if they were playing in a club in your hometown?

To them? Nothing, because I wouldn’t be paying money to see a comedian who uses rape as a punchline. I might say something to the club they’re booked at. I have said things to Comedy Central in the past, which as you would expect, they gave zero effs about.

Anon said:

I want to interrogate the phrase “walk of shame” a little. There is disturbing sexist undertone coupled with the attempt to frame the judgmental language in a humorous way. It is the same type of language that serves to hold up the puritanical view that any feeling of sexual pleasure should lead to shame. In addition, it also creates confusion in people who feel they need to question their feelings by acting as if a bad feeling the night after sex means the same whether there was consent or not.

Agreed that it’s a phrase that comes from a place of slut-shaming and negative views on consensual sex. Not sure what you’re saying with your last sentence though.

Anon asked:

I’m not sure if my rape was considered rape. It happened so long ago, I can barely remember it. But when I was 8 years old, an older boy told me they liked me (which I might’ve fallen for because I wasn’t very popular) and started to hang out with me. That later turned into these “experiments” he wanted to try, like kissing and touching me forcibly (in front of his friends too) and…well. I don’t know how well my memory is but…I think he tried/did have sex with me. Does this count as rape…?

Yes, definitely. Any unwanted sexual contact counts. I’m so sorry that happened to you.

Anon said:

My ex boyfriend comes over my house all the time to visit my roommates. Sometimes when he’s here he chases me around and gropes me. He grabs my breasts, my ass and tries to stick his hands down my pants. He even stuck his finger inside me a few times while chasing me around. He always asks me to give him a blow jobs. He says I owe it to him. I usually say no but if I say no he’s really mean to me, so once in a while I say yes to get him to leave me alone…  If I agree to give him a blow job,I let him know I don’t really want to do and I ask him to be fast so we can just get it over with. I also refuse to kiss him. When I’m giving him a blow job he insists on touching me on my breasts and he sticks his hands in my pants and inside me. I ask him not to but he does it anyways. He’s say it will go by quicker if I let him. When it’s over I hate myself afterwards. He will leave me alone for a little while after that though. Even though I consent to giving him oral sex, I feel like I’m being sexually assaulted. How can I make him stop? Whenever I refuse him he keeps harassing me and make my life hell. This has been going on for several years. I just want it to stop happening. I don’t feel safe in my own home.

I am so sorry, anon. You are being sexually assaulted—you are not giving real consent to sexual activity with this person. He knows that and he doesn’t care.

What conversations have you had with your roommates about this? If they were any kind of friends, they would not even want to see this man anymore. But at the very least, they should respect your wishes to not have him in the house. Ever, under any circumstances. If they refuse to abide by that, would you be able to move out? If they won’t take steps to keep you safe, they aren’t good friends anyway. Even if it’s inconvenient for you to move, please think about it. This is a horrible, abusive situation for you. Either he has to stop coming there, or you have to get out.

In the more immediate future, if he comes over, remove yourself from this situation. You can lock yourself in your room, or leave the house until he’s gone. You can tell him loudly, in front of your roommates, that you don’t want him to put his hands on you ever again, and if he does so, you will call the police. If he does not stop, or you’re afraid he may become more violent, you can follow through on that threat. You may have a hard time prosecuting him for something like this—but certainly the police will respond to your initial call. That may be enough to frighten him.

Other advice for this anon? Please let her know what may be helpful.

Anon, please keep us updated. I hope you are able to get out of this very soon.

Anon said:

You might think this is incredibly ridiculous, every year our school gets someone to talk to us about rape. Last year was focused on date rape.
I figure I should share this, but he told us that if we were ever in the situation of date rape, pretend to give in, do a little giggle and the whole “oh that tickles” thing and then just say, “Hold on, I need to go to the bathroom”. Although it may not always work, he said that it has saved a lot of people from getting raped.

I do find it a bit ridiculous. I think this advice is certainly coming from a place of privilege. Rape is traumatic. It is scary. And to tell someone in that situation to pretend to like what’s happening in order to get away seems a little misguided. Granted, people who are in real life traumatic situations do use a variety of strategies to escape (pretending to give in to someone’s unwanted advances, ‘playing dead’ to stop someone from hurting you, etc). Sometimes these type of things may work. But I don’t think people need more ‘here’s what you could have done to avoid your rape’ messages. We’re already being inundated.

Aside from which, if the victim gives fake consent such as this, and then is raped anyway, it makes things more difficult for them legally, and probably psychologically as well. I don’t think this is good advice.

Anon asked:

my friend recently confided in me about a guy taking advantage of (having sex with) her when she was out drinking with him. she wants to report it and i told her she should, but she said she’s scared and isn’t sure she can handle it. she’s only told me and another male friend. how can we help her?

The most important thing you can do for your friend is to listen to her and support her in whatever she thinks is the right thing to do. Knowing that she can count on you to let her express her feelings and to support her is so important. If she does decide to report it, you can offer to go with her to make her report, and to any follow-up meetings she may have.

She may decide that reporting isn’t something she can handle, and that’s okay too. Make sure you don’t give her any pressure on this point. With the criminal justice system as it is, reporting rape can be very, very hard. She’s the only one who can decide whether she can do that.

Ultimately your friend has to figure out the healing process for herself. You can help as a support system, but make sure she is the one in control of things. Don’t treat her differently just because this happened. Don’t try to cajole her into doing things you think might help (reporting, getting out of the house, etc) if she seems reluctant, and don’t take it personally if she rejects your attempts to help. Do ask her what you can do to help. Sometimes her answer may be ‘nothing,’ and that can make you feel very useless. Just know that your friendship and your willingness to listen right now are already a great help to her.

Followers, other advice for this person?

Anon asked:

Hi! I have a question, I hope that’s okay. Basically, are rape victims “allowed” to use the word rape however they see fit? When I was younger, I had a friend who said a meal was “raping her wallet”, and I asked her to please not use that word so trivially around me. She asked if I had ever been raped, and I got pissed- first that she would ask such a personal question point-blank like that, and second that the fact that I had not been raped made my opinion less valid. I’ve only recently accepted the concept of privilege, and now I accept that in some areas, my opinion IS less valid. So, now I’m rethinking that second point, but I still don’t like when people throw the word rape around so easily. Should I let it go if I know that the person is a rape victim? 

You sent this half anon, half un-anon, so I assume you want to be anon, right? :)

You know, it’s a struggle to figure out the right thing to do in situations like this. You’re right to think about your privilege—it is usually inappropriate for someone from a non-oppressed group to call someone out on internalized oppression (such as misogyny, homophobia, etc). I don’t view survivors vs. non-survivors as exactly the same concept. But at the same time, I don’t think it’s my place to tell other people how to process their sexual assaults. I guess really the answer is, I don’t know. It’s difficult because you aren’t a rape survivor—so you don’t want to belittle the opinion of someone who is—but what you’re discussing is rape culture—which you are a member of, and your opinion is valid. I think you can mention your thoughts—but perhaps you don’t belabor the point. 

What do other people think?

Here’s some follow-up on this ask from last week.

I tried to talk to her about it but she always made herself seem like the victim. In that case, she said I hurt her feelings by ‘rejecting her’ and that I didn’t want to express my affection in front of my friend because I secretly desired my friend and didn’t want to ruin my chances. She was extremely jealous. She also said I acted like I was ashamed to be with her. I hate PDA, especially as a lesbian because str8 men sexualize it and turn me into porn. Most of these arguments ended with ‘let’s both admit we were wrong and make up’. I felt bad because it genuinely hurt her and she didn’t understand how I felt or why. Also, I loved her fiercely. She made me feel like a hero who protected her from everything so if I hurt her, even if I was right, I felt wrong. I had very low self-esteem and made excuses for her. I also had severe depression, self-harmed, a horrible body image and virtually no self-worth, as well as anti-social and introvert tendencies. I realized how abusive our relationship was but still thought that she really loved me and that no one else would want me anyway so I wanted to make it work. These instances of sexual assault were few and far between but she manipulated me emotionally many times, trying to isolate me from my best friend. After I started college, she wasn’t there and we had a long-distance relationship. Only with the support of my friend, and the fact that she was away from me, was I able to break up with her. We were disturbingly codependent and kind of obsessed with each other and she would use guilt and my emotions and really great sex to try to control me. It took two years to finally build up my self-esteem enough to realize that I deserved better and I was right to break up with her. Sorry again for the length.

Wow, what a heartbreaking story. I am so happy for you that you were able to get out of this relationship. Thank you for your bravery in sharing your story. <3

willzone replied to your post: Ugh. I want to make a blog called STFU Snark Culture and just reblog you.

No, it’s not just that. I like your blog when you’re smart, I hate it when you’re all nit-picky and snarky, “ugh, use spell check” or the whole “lemme single out this one bit, snark it up, and I win” attitude. just stay smart.

I’m just so glad I have you here to patronizingly tell me how to run this blog. How did I get along with you?

I really don’t see why you feel entitled to complain about the way I do anything with my blog. Especially since the only reason you were ‘singled out’ in the first place is because you were rude. Snark is pretty much par for the course. Don’t want snark, disagree in a respectful way. Be a douche, get the snark. I mean there you go.

pixyled:

stfurapeculture:

willzone asked you:

I won’t stop unfollowing. It’s OK to disagree with things people say. I think you’re blog is on point most of the time, but sometimes, in my opinion, i feel you’re way off base, and thats why I commented. And thats OK. That’s what free speech is all about. you are offended by a lot of things that I’m not. Keep fighting your fight, and know that not all your followers will agree with everything you say. It’s an opinion.

You are ridiculous. First of all, that’s not what free speech is all about. Second of all, don’t message me and act like I attacked you for having a slight disagreement with me. Your exact words were:

Holy Crap.  Are people in charge of TAGS on fucking TUMBLR now held up to the same scrutiny as our politicians?  Give me a fucking break.  Were you offended by something that dude said?  Who the fuck cares!  Ooooo, be offended and shut up!

I don’t think all my followers agree with me on everything, but mostly they don’t curse at me and tell me to shut up. Feel free to express your disagreement however you’d please though. I’ll feel free to tell you to fuck off.

Does this guy even know the things Ryking DID?
Some one send him the things AA said on twitter to the rape victim and then Ryking DEFENDING him for it.  

hint: “offensive” doesn’t even cover what he did and continues t odo. 

I’m sure he doesn’t care. Apparently it’s only rape culture when a politician says stuff like that to you? IDK.

willzone asked you:

I won’t stop unfollowing. It’s OK to disagree with things people say. I think you’re blog is on point most of the time, but sometimes, in my opinion, i feel you’re way off base, and thats why I commented. And thats OK. That’s what free speech is all about. you are offended by a lot of things that I’m not. Keep fighting your fight, and know that not all your followers will agree with everything you say. It’s an opinion.

You are ridiculous. First of all, that’s not what free speech is all about. Second of all, don’t message me and act like I attacked you for having a slight disagreement with me. Your exact words were:

Holy Crap.  Are people in charge of TAGS on fucking TUMBLR now held up to the same scrutiny as our politicians?  Give me a fucking break.  Were you offended by something that dude said?  Who the fuck cares!  Ooooo, be offended and shut up!

I don’t think all my followers agree with me on everything, but mostly they don’t curse at me and tell me to shut up. Feel free to express your disagreement however you’d please though. I’ll feel free to tell you to fuck off.

coldbitterness:

And I’m not gonna reblog it because fuck that shitstain I don’t feel like talking directly to him, I’d make more headway talking to my toothbrush

But the post was a question asking “if Chris Brown had beaten up a man three years ago, would anyone still care?” tagged with, among other things, “misandry” and “hypocrisy”

And wow so I have a lot of (sad, angry) feelings about that bullshit question, about the very idea that women, especially women of color, especially when they’re victims of abuse, enjoy some privileged position in society. And that they have that privilege because sometimes people remember that they were abused and get kinda mad at the abuser (but he’s still able to be famous and celebrated and win awards). But instead of talking about that, I’m actually going to talk about that eternal question on the lips of angry deluded men everywhere: what about the men?

Yeah so, what about them? Specifically, what about the men and boys who are victims of abuse? You hear them mentioned, briefly, by a lot of men ranting about women but then, hmm, anyway, onto my next bullet point about feminazis and misandry… 

I’m not the first person to point this out, but the whole reason we have things like battered women’s shelters and resources for female abuse victims is because women saw a need for them and created them. Women were, and are, and will be, beaten, raped, and killed. And some other women, many of whom had been beaten and raped themselves, said “fuck this” and made spaces for other women like them. These resources didn’t just appear out of nowhere. People who cared about abuse victims created them.

And that’s the thing, that caring about other victims. Because for all the hue and cry raised by the Rykings and AmazingAtheists and other angry MRAs of the world, they don’t seem to really do much in the way of creating spaces and resources for male victims. And hey, it’s not their job, no one’s saying they have to. But clearly you see this lack, and clearly you (claim to) care a lot about it so hey, maybe instead of being mad at women for sometimes having the nerve to be paid attention to or have someplace to go if they get beaten up you could, I don’t know, start helping men?

And I really just cannot with this claim that feminists/women in general don’t care about male victims. As a female abuse survivor who has known and cared about and loved numerous men and boys who have been victims of many kinds of abuse, fuck you, from the bottom of my heart, if you think I don’t care about male victims. And I say this as someone who has, let’s say, a not very kind opinion of men as a whole. The men who bring this claim up do not give two shits about any victim, female or male, they just want to score woman-hating points. No matter my opinion of men in general, I feel a kinship or connection or whatever you want to call it with fellow survivors, and it is fucking disgusting and shameful to just bring up their existence as an argumentative point to bash women. These are real people, real men and boys, who have gone through real pain, and you’re just bringing them up, bringing that pain and suffering and abuse up, for half a second as some sort of “checkmate, feminazi” argument that makes sense only to your sick mind. You don’t give two shits about actually doing anything for them, about addressing the specific social structures that affect men and boys who have been beaten or molested or raped, you’re just glad they’re there for you to mention while you’re railing against women for daring to have things like shelters and rape crisis centers. And that makes you fucking disgusting.