STFU, Rape Culture!

stfuhatemongers:

Yeah totally lucky.

Rape freaking culture! It’s not lucky to be preyed upon by an adult, who is in a position of authority over you, no less, when you’re under the age of consent. We call that statutory rape.

I received this in an email from anon:

I have been raped multiple times in my past. As a result, I feel, I have been a serial monogamist my entire adult life. I have been single for around 2 months now and my therapist is encouraging me to date.
There was a guy I met recently who asked me out. It was actually pretty charming because it wasn’t a blatant sexual advance. I was pretty drunk and gave him my number which is unusual for me. We talked via text and flirted for several weeks.

We were at the same show on Saturday and I offered him a ride to an after party. He had been flirting aggressively all night but I thought I had the situation under control. Turns out he lived farther away than I thought so by the party’s end (6am) I was tired and told him he could sleep on my sofa. We lay down on the couch to sleep/watch a movie. He made sexual advances toward me consistently. He was drunk, I was not. I told him I didn’t know him well enough and to please stop. He didn’t. He continued to forcibly pull down my panties even though I kept pulling them up. I know I should have told him I was taking him home right then. I don’t know why I didn’t. Every time he tried something I told him no but he did it anyway. I didn’t consent to sex. In fact I specifically told him no more than once. But it still happened. I know I shouldn’t feel like it’s my fault. But I also know what I should have/ could have done differently. I feel like after I told him no and he still penetrated me I just shut down. Not to mention he was rough and hurt me. Him saying “shhhhhh you can take it” keeps playing over and over in my head.

I don’t know how this happened and I’m an absolute wreck. I feel violated but I can’t help blaming myself. Is this guilt linked to my previous rapes?

Anon, you told me to post your story if I thought it would be helpful to others. I think everyone’s story is important and can help others with similar experiences, so I’m putting it up.

I’m not sure whether your past experience is adding to the feelings of self-blame or not. Many survivors blame themselves, regardless of whether they have been raped in the past, but I could also see how having a prior history with sexual assault could compound those type of feelings for you now. I’m so sorry this happened to you. I know you’re saying you understand it wasn’t your fault, but I want to say it too. Nothing about this was your fault. There’s no right way or wrong way to react in a scary situation, and there’s nothing you “should” have done and didn’t. You told him no; you were clear. He is the one who should have done things differently. Shutting down was your mind’s way of coping with a traumatic experience, and that’s okay. I know that no matter what I say, you’re still going to be struggling with this. It’s hard to break through those feelings of blaming yourself. Please know that you aren’t alone in this. Hopefully you can get some help from your therapist, or contact a resource close to you for support. Please feel free to contact me too if you want to talk more.

[It happened several months ago but um, me and my boyfriend at the time, we’re making out and he tried undoing my pants and I grabbed his hand and told him no. And he was like “you know you want it” and he tried again and I told him stop and he’s all like nuh uh. And kept telling him no and stop and tried pushing him away but he wouldnt listen so I just gave up trying to stop him so I just went along with it.. I’m confused. I feel like I’ve been raped..]

Your feelings are spot on. What he did was rape. It’s not truly consent if you give in because the person is wearing you down. You said no, you tried to push him away, and he didn’t stop. You made it very clear you weren’t consenting, and that makes his actions rape. If you want to talk about what happened, there are resources out there for you. And you can always talk to me, here or via email. Take care of yourself.

[For matchframe: I and my partner are a BDSM couple and we engage in rape play that goes both ways. The fantasies come from a place much more complex than having witnessed or internalized rape culture. It’s about the very intimate workings of the power dynamic in our relationship. Enthusiastic consent is essential to our encounters in a way that it rarely is for most couples. And we still believe that rape is wrong and support survivors, which is what’s important at the end of the day.]

Agreed, and thank you for sharing!

deliciouskaek replied to your post: Stop the Victim Blaming, Prudie!

Isn’t Jaclyn Friedman the woman who wrote that incredibly racist letter to Beyonce’s baby? But yeah, that shit Yoffe wrote was ridiculous.

Google tells me you are correct. I had not heard about this. The tumblr is being run by keepyourboehneroutofmyuterus, who doesn’t have a history of sketchy statements that I am aware of, so I think the project is still a good one for people to participate in.

She got her dog from a breeder because she found adoption agencies’ criteria too stringent.

At Jaclyn Friedman’s request after I sent her the Yoffe advice column, I started a Tumblr where people can submit responses (whether they send them to Yoffe or not) explaining what they do not like about her victim-blaming post. 

http://stopvictimblaming.tumblr.com/

I’d love a signal boost. Cheers!

No problem, love the idea. I had to stop looking at the responses on her facebook just now. I feel my blood pressure skyrocketing…

livingwithendo replied to your link: [TW rape, incest] Mother Rapes Daughter and Calls It Sex Education

This… fucking hell. I can’t believe they’re letting her out of custody.

I know. Is she getting custody of these kids back? I mean what the fuck? How does this happen?

[Last month I had someone I really trusted shake the very foundation of my being. I was drunk and he attempted to make sexual advances on me after I had been very direct with him several time before hand about how I currently have no interest in being in a relationship or having sex. I have already discussed it with him. I told him exactly how it made me feel and how upset I was. He apologized and feels like an asshole for what he did. I don’t want to cause him to live with that guilt because I sure feel shitty about the entire experience. I’ve spent hours crying over it, and at time have felt as if I just want to die because I can’t stand thinking about it. I feel like if I hold onto it, I’ll just be putting him in the same position I am. I don’t know. I’m confused. I can’t look at people the same way anymore. I’m so scared to make new friends, or to interact with the friends I currently have. I clam up and have spent so much time inside of my own head that it’s driving me insane. I don’t know what to do. I’m filled with so much hate, but I find it hard to hold anything against anyone. Even if it’s something that has hurt me directly. Sometimes I feel like I am making so much more of a deal out of it than it is, but I know that the way I feel deep inside is the way I’m supposed to feel about something like this… I just want to feel “normal” again. I don’t want to feel so scared of everyone and everything around me all of the time… I don’t know how to get there…]

First, I want to say you are not making this a bigger deal than it is. You trusted this person. You were very direct about your boundaries. He waited until you were vulnerable and then he tried to violate those boundaries. That’s a huge deal. He should feel horrible for what he did. It’s perfectly understandable if you don’t want to speak to him anymore about it though.

I’m sorry you had a friend betray your trust like this, and sorry you are feeling this way now. There is no one way to cope with trauma that works for everyone, unfortunately. Have you thought about talking to a counselor about it? Either in real life, or someone over the phone who is experienced in talking to people about sexual assault? This might help you process your feelings and learn ways that you can cope and start to feel like yourself again. I think it would also help you feel less alone. Right now you seem very isolated and that’s usually not a good way to feel. Please check the resources page and find a crisis center that could talk with you. I am happy to talk as well, if you want to. You don’t have to handle this by yourself.

matchframe replied to your post: [TW discussion of rape fantasies]

Call me vanilla, but porn aiming at the fantasy of performing sex acts on someone without their consent (for the aggressor, not the recipient) just sounds like another product of and contributor to rape culture. Is that not the case? I’m having a hard time understanding…

I don’t think there’s much of a distinction between someone fantasizing to be the aggressor and someone fantasizing to be the recipient (in terms of acceptability of the fantasy). I’m not saying that rape fantasies, porn depicting rape, etc, are not related to rape culture. Nearly everything relates to rape culture in some way. The discussion stemmed from this question that I received. My argument is just that there is nothing inherently wrong with having a rape fantasy or being interested in porn depicting rape, as long as all parties involved are consenting adults. For many, rape fantasies are about the power dynamic, and I don’t consider them to be different than any other kind of power play people may engage in. I am particularly opposed to demonizing this, because I know that a lot of survivors have rape fantasies. We can analyze where we think they come from, how they relate to rape culture, etc, I just want it to be clear that people who have these fantasies are not doing anything wrong, and there is nothing wrong with them. Sexuality is complicated and messy. Lots of people are interested in ‘taboo’ things. And that’s okay.

This was submitted by dashdotdashbackslash, who said, “Something about this picture just irks me. I feel like it’s not only mocking abortion, but also mocking unwanted, unloved and uncared for children everywhere. What are your thoughts on this?”

I totally agree with you. That’s disgusting.

andyoumissarenolady replied to your post: [TW discussion of rape fantasies]

But when a consenting couple agrees to engage in a “rape fantasy,” it isn’t really rape. There was consent given beforehand. Maybe calling that a rape fantasy isn’t the most accurate term?

Well, I didn’t invent the term, obviously, but I think the term is accurate. The fantasy is still one of nonconsensual sex, although in reality, parties have consented. It’s roleplaying of rape, not of ravishment or some other term.

[when does gta encourage violence/ sexual violence against women?]

The game allows you to pick up a sex worker, have sex with her, then beat her up and take the money back. I think you can also run them over, if I recall correctly?

[With things like “rape porn” and “rape fantasy” a better term might be “ravishment play” to better show the psychological difference.]

I disagree. Rape fantasies are exactly what they sound like, fantasizing about performing sexual acts on someone without their consent or having them performed on you without your consent. Ravishment play would imply consent, and be using a euphemism for rape, which I disagree with.

hopelessly-romantic-cynic:

stfurapeculture:

[This is kinda along the same line as the rape porn question: what do you think about those video games out there where the goal for the player is to harrass, assault, and rape girls/women? Yes, it’s completely fictional, but it makes me uncomfortable to say the least. To me it contributes to rape culture because it’s making something so awful into a literal game.]

I’m opposed to them, pretty strongly. I’m having a bit of a hard time articulating why I find this different from rape fantasies or rape porn. Maybe someone who agrees can explain a little better than I can… But let me try.

These kind of video games are harmful because they normalize and even promote (sexual) violence against women. They’re widely available and advertised in mainstream media. Kids are frequently exposed to these kind of games, which normalizes these kind of behaviors for people at a young age. Games are also socially acceptable, whereas porn is still not, in many people’s eyes, so they have a more widespread influence, I think.

I am really bumbling this ask… Does someone understand what I’m saying and want to help me out?

It’s different because the actors and actresses in rape fantasy porn and people who enjoy rape fantasy have the ability to stop. There are boundaries and safe words within the fantasy that the person being fantasy-raped can use if things go too far or they get hurt or something.

Also, there are people (like me) who use rape fantasy as a way to deal with being a survivor or victim of rape (or sexual assault, sexual abuse, whatever name you use for what happened to you). The same goes for the porn (it may even be true for the performers in the aforementioned genre of porn).

These video games that are being discussed, on the other hand, are entirely abuser-friendly. The goal is to rape and abuse people. There are no safe words for these characters and there are no boundaries. I imagine that if a video game of this nature did incorporate the concept of safe words into the game, it would be something horrible like, “If she has the chance to say her ‘safe word’, you lose 100 points!” or something of that nature that makes it a negative thing. It creates an environment where someone can brag to their peer group about raping numerous people in a fantasy world.

In discussions of doing rape fantasy and watching rape fantasy porn, there’s discussions of what consent looks like in that kind of situation and the importance of making sure everyone’s boundaries are respected and how you can do that while still maintaining the fantasy. Video games where the goal is to rape and abuse people (primarily women) do not inspire these kinds of discussions amongst the people who play them. I doubt more than a few people are on their headsets having a conversation like this: “But man, you know, if this chick was real, you wouldn’t do this to her. You’d respect her and make sure she was consenting to everything.” “Yeah, man, I know. Just last week, my girlfriend said she wasn’t ready for sex, so I stopped and we watched a movie instead.” “That’s awesome, man. That’s the way it’s supposed to be.” Maybe a few people are having that conversation during gameplay, but I highly doubt it’s more than a few. 

I can’t figure out how to wrap up this, but that’s why I see the types of video games that make abuse and rape into a sport as very different rape fantasy and rape fantasy porn.

Much more eloquent than me. Thank you, all good points.

colormekate replied to your post: When it comes to rape porn and rape scenarios in BDSM, there’s always a certain level of consent that the viewer and participants are aware of. We call it “consensual non-consent.” A lot of sites (Kink comes to mind) interview the models before and after so that the viewers understand that everything was staged, and that quite often the scene was playing out the model’s fantasy. Games strike me differently, because even though they’re fake, that aspect of consent is gone.

can you please make this ask rebloggable?

The one time I don’t bother screencapping and making it rebloggable! :D Give me a minute.

I received this from prettynakedladies:

This isn’t about rape but female violence, which I think is still applicable. You can publish this, it was just too long to fit in an ask. Over break, my dad lashed out at me repeatedly for stupid shit. So one day I was exhausted with all the screaming and fighting and defending myself, and I stayed in my room all day. When he came in to ask me why I was avoiding him I told him it was because he was lashing out at me a lot lately. He went into a furious rage (I guess because he thought that was rude of me to say?), to the point where I was afraid he might hit me, so I hid. Now when I talk to him about it, he jokes that he’s not a scary guy and that he’s hurt because I was scared of him and hid from him. But honestly, when I think about it, fuck his feelings. If I feel scared or threatened, I’ll do whatever it takes to get myself out of that situation. I have every right to hide from him if I feel threatened. He’s constantly asking me now if I think he’s a scary guy whenever he does this or that, like he’s almost making a joke of it or being condescending about how I responded. I feel he has no right to go asking me to take back what I said or how I felt. I was scared, I had every right to be, and if he doesn’t like that I was trying to keep myself safe, he can go fuck himself. Pardon the language. I think this applies to any situation. If any girl feels her safety is in danger, fuck a guy’s feelings. I don’t care if he cries himself to sleep so long as it means the girl is safe.

You did the right thing. This is really scary, abusive behavior. And his reaction of minimizing the harm he did and trivializing your feelings is right out of the abuser’s handbook. I’m sorry you had to experience this. I hope you’re back at school now and okay?

Excellent advice though. We are too often taught to be polite and ignore our own instincts because we think that’s more socially acceptable. If your instincts tell you a situation is dangerous, do whatever you need to do to be safe. That includes leaving, hiding, etc. We need to give ourselves permission to do this.

diabolicalnerd replied to your post: [TW rape culture]

…. I don’t think I have EVER heard of a rape orientated video game being being marketed in mainstream media. Is there a whole slew of them I have just been missing?

Well the person who asked the question referred to games where the player can harass, assault, or rape. And there are a slew of them that allow/encourage (sexual) violence against women characters. I’m thinking of games like GTA and Duke Nukem Forever (I’m not into gaming, so I can’t give you an exhaustive list, although surely two of them would have been enough, ugh).

There are games that do feature explicit rape, such as RapeLay, which was discussed a long time ago on the blog. That’s a Japanese game, and I don’t know how widely it was played in the US. I was more thinking of the types of games mentioned above.

[This is kinda along the same line as the rape porn question: what do you think about those video games out there where the goal for the player is to harrass, assault, and rape girls/women? Yes, it’s completely fictional, but it makes me uncomfortable to say the least. To me it contributes to rape culture because it’s making something so awful into a literal game.]

I’m opposed to them, pretty strongly. I’m having a bit of a hard time articulating why I find this different from rape fantasies or rape porn. Maybe someone who agrees can explain a little better than I can… But let me try.

These kind of video games are harmful because they normalize and even promote (sexual) violence against women. They’re widely available and advertised in mainstream media. Kids are frequently exposed to these kind of games, which normalizes these kind of behaviors for people at a young age. Games are also socially acceptable, whereas porn is still not, in many people’s eyes, so they have a more widespread influence, I think.

I am really bumbling this ask… Does someone understand what I’m saying and want to help me out?

[I have an account on this kinky dating site. A guy sent me a message and we got talking. He lived close by and had just graduated from the same college I go to now. I realized though that I wasn’t interested him but he kept bothering me even when I said no, so I blocked him. He made another account and told me that for blocking him, he would print out some nude pictures I had sent him before and show them to people on my campus unless I had a relationship with him. I got upset at him , he then begged me to forgive him and give him a chance and go on a date with him. He said if I said no, he would leave me alone. And that he wouldn’t show anyone at my school the pictures. I told him to just leave me alone, I didn’t want him. He responded by telling me that girls like me deserve to be raped and that someone would eventually get tired of me teasing and rape me. I start school on Monday. And I’m really scared to go. Am I overreacting? Do you have any advice?]

Yikes, what a scary dude. Well, I think there’s a good possibility that this guy is talking a big game online, but unlikely to do anything in person. But then again, he could actually be dangerous. I do not think you’re overreacting in the slightest. I think if you want to, you would be within your rights to talk to your campus security and/or the police. You can also let any trusted friends know, or even share his picture in case any of them see him around on campus. Beyond this, followers, any other suggestions?

[I was once dating a guy, I wasn’t as into him as he was into me. I kept dating him because I was going through a rough time and had self-esteem issues. I had sex with him twice, both times I consented but it was very uncomfortable to me and I didn’t enjoy it. However I did it because I was afraid he would get angry if he wasn’t “satisfied.” Looking back on it I feel very shameful like I was violated both times that we had sex.I know it’s not necessarily rape but, why do I feel this way about it?]

Here’s how I see it: your feelings of discomfort were probably apparent, meaning you were giving nonverbal cues that you weren’t enthusiastically consenting. It’s every sexual partner’s responsibility to pick up on that and only have sexual encounters when their partner is clearly consenting, both verbally and/or nonverbally. You did “consent” but that was because you feared emotional retribution. When a person uses emotional manipulation to force you to consent, that’s rape. What happened to you was wrong, and you have every right to feel violated. Those feelings are normal and valid. If you feel like you need support and want to talk about it further, check out some of the resources for survivors that are out there. You can also always contact me to talk further, either here or or via email (stfurapeculture@gmail.com).

This was submitted by hannahology, who said, “As much as I love my friends, I just can’t stand it when they say things like that.  Nothing Joe Paterno has done in the past is as important as what he didn’t do when he should have.”

Agreed totally, Hannah. I don’t take joy in anyone’s death, and I feel sorry for Paterno’s family in their time of mourning. But I resent that so many people are posting about how this ‘great man’s’ legacy was ruined by this scandal. He brought it on himself and he deserved to lose his job and then some. Paterno was a big player in this—he could have prevented Sandusky from having access to so many young boys.

I’m getting my own taste of this crap as my fbook friends from Penn are mourning and talking about their love for him. Barf.

As promised yesterday when someone mentioned the transphobia that’s been reported from people dealing with RAINN, I’ve started compiling a list of local organizations that offer support to all survivors.

This is not to say that I think RAINN can never be a good resource. I know some people may not have a readily accessible local org to contact, and lots of survivors out there have had positive experiences with them or their partner orgs. However, given that people have had negative experiences, I want to give you other options that you can try.

Please check out the list here, and provide any feedback (additions, deletions, comments) that you’ve got. I’d love to get more resources listed here. I have focused on physical centers, or at least those with hotlines, but I will also take websites that you found especially supportive and/or helpful.

[I need your opinion on something. It was my birthday recently and someone left on my facebook “Happy birthday, don’t get raped”. Obviously, he had thought it was a funny joke. I immediately got angry, told him it wasn’t funny, and to fuck off. He got angry and said I needed to get a sense of humor, especially since I’ve never been raped so I have no reason to be offended. I don’t even know him that well and he has no right to assume I haven’t been raped. However, he’s right and I never have been [raped]. So now the question remains in my head: Should I have flipped out over that joke even though I’ve never been a victim of rape? I feel like maybe I have no right.]

You absolutely have the right to call him out for this. First of all, rape jokes contribute to our overall culture of rape, and that does affect you. It affects everyone. You don’t need to have experienced rape to know that joking about it is horrible and insensitive. And secondly, if you consider yourself an ally to survivors (or to any group really, LGBT people, POC), you have the responsibility* to act when you see injustices. Not a whole lot’s going to change in the world if everyone only reacts to things that directly affect them. You’re right, and this person is a douche.

*When it is safe and healthy for you to do so. Of course I don’t advocate you doing this when it would endanger you in some way.

[I brought a boy home the other night. I consented to intercourse and then he broke the condom. I started to freak out, I was crying and sucking my thumb then he started to touch me. I kept pulling away and pushing his hands away. He put his fingers inside of me anyway. Does that count as rape? He was laughing.]

Yes, that counts as rape. It was very clear that you were not consenting. It doesn’t matter that you had consented to have intercourse before that. It’s horrible that this person did this, and I am so sorry. If you want to talk about it, RAINN is a good resource (1.800.656.4673; online hotline). And you can always contact me through the tumblr or via email (stfurapeculture@gmail.com). Take care of yourself and please reach out for support if you need it.

[to the anon who asked to hook up with her rapist a few days later, i did the same thing (he said yes) because he had taken my virginity when he raped me and i felt like i needed to have “real” sex with him in order to have a “real” first-time sex story. when he raped me it only lasted a minute or so and i didn’t want to admit to myself that it was rape and i hadn’t wanted it, so i asked to hook up again. you’re not alone!]

Thank you for sharing this!

psychedtodie:

Trigger Warning for slut shaming and mysogyny.

Read More

[Your blog has made me think about something I hadn’t considered previously. On several occasions, my last boyfriend would ask me to participate in sexual acts that I wasn’t comfortable with, but would continue to pressure me even after I said no. I would eventually give in to get him to stop asking and because I didn’t want him to get mad (and maybe because I thought that was part of what “love” meant). But even though I wouldn’t enjoy whatever it was we were doing, I think I had such low body confidence (my back and one of my legs have various functional and appearance issues) that I tried to look at his relentless pressuring as flattery because, hey, it was nice to see that somebody clearly liked my body. I tried to not be bothered by it, but, until several sessions with a psychologist and reading this blog, didn’t realize that what he was doing was actually wrong. Thank you for what you do, you’ve helped me understand that.]

You’re welcome, anon. Thank you for sharing your story with us.

Submitted by: shejustgotstronger, who said,

This is an actual product I’ve seen at Urban Outfitters and floating around on Tumblr.

Am I the only one who is seriously disturbed by the “Or Else” check box in the bottom right corner?

You are certainly not the only one. That’s disgusting. Why does this exist? Like what is the point of it?

[I met a man online and after a few days of talking we decided to meet in person. We went back to my place to have sex. He became rough and started causing me physical pain. I consented to vaginal intercourse but he was not satisfied. He then forced me to have anal sex. He held me down and ignored me screaming for him to stop. The pain was unbearable. I was bleeding and crying. But the cops say they can’t do anything bc I consented to some things. It is still rape right? Ppl say I deserved it.]

You didn’t deserve it. Anyone who says different is ignorant and cruel. This was definitely rape, and no one deserves rape, no matter what the circumstances were. Aside from which, consent is ongoing and can be revoke at any time. Consenting to one type of activity is not consenting to all sexual activity, and the second you said stop, he should have stopped immediately. I’m so sorry that you had to experience the failings of the justice system first hand like this. If you want to talk about it, RAINN is a good resource (1.800.656.4673; online hotline). And you can always contact me through the tumblr or via email (stfurapeculture@gmail.com). Take care of yourself and please reach out for support if you need it.

[So, I don’t know if I’m alone in this. I was raped two years ago by an guy I vaguely knew at a party. I was passed out and woke up to him on me and I said no and he didn’t stop. I didn’t really want to admit it was rape at the time (we had been flirting the weekend before so I blamed that) so I asked him to hook up again like two days later, just to feel like I had control in it. He said no. I’ve always felt horrible for doing that, in retrospect. Why did I validate him like that?]

I think it’s exactly as you said, you wanted to feel in control. You weren’t ready to handle the fact that you had been raped, and this was how you dealt with that. Facing trauma is really, really hard and there’s no shame in not being able to handle it right away. You’ve since recognized and called this rape. That’s brave. It can take a lot of courage to admit that to yourself. Please try not to beat yourself up about this, anon. You didn’t do anything wrong. 

found this on imgfave today and just… not cool. i don’t even get how that could seem remotely funny to anyone and how it made it to the most popular images.

STFURC: Seen it before, still hate it. I’m not surprised it’s a top image though. People love rape jokes, for reasons unknown to me.

[Great website you’re running here - I have a question as it concerns consent, alcohol (over) consumption and sex between couples. If a relationship has established ongoing consent (Say, to wake a partner with oral, or to kiss/manually stimulate them while sleeping) - does that ongoing consent also apply to overconsumption (Read: blacked out, etc) of alcohol or drugs? Should extra discussion take place for relationships that use alternative substances? Am I overanalyzing all of this? Haha.]

Well, first of all, I am a little wary of using the words ‘ongoing consent.’ I know in practice, it may seem like people in a long term sexual relationship aren’t checking in on consent much. But I don’t like that term because it’s exactly this idea of ongoing consent that makes it more difficult for people to view rape by a partner as rape. Past consent is no guarantee of future consent, and you have to continue to get active consent with each sexual encounter. This doesn’t have to be as cautious or necessarily verbal, as it might be when you first start having sex with a partner. But I hope that’s because you get to know your partner’s nonverbal cues well enough that you can see their enthusiastic consent. Does this make sense?

I remember some controversy a while back on tumblr about the issue of having permission to touch a partner while they’re asleep. Some people felt this would always be rape because the unconscious partner is unable to give their consent at that moment. Others felt that with discussion and agreement between two partners beforehand, it would be acceptable to awaken your partner with sex, or to even have the entire sexual encounter take place while they’re asleep. I’d love to hear what some followers think about this topic.

To stop rambling and actually answer your question, if you and your partner participate in any of the activities you described (waking up with oral, etc), this does not necessarily mean consent is present for other times when one of you is incapacitated. It would be a great idea to have that extra discussion, as you said. There’s no such thing as too much talk about consent.

[One of my friend’s Facebook friends posted on her status “Gotta stop giving off that rape victim vibe.” Three of my female friends liked it. Wtf?]

Internalized misogyny and rape culture.

I’m not sure I had to tag that as a potential trigger, but just in case…

[i hate rape culture, but i like rape porn. what the fuck is wrong with me?]

The short answer is: nothing. Assuming that you’re only watching fictional rape (i.e., done with actors who have consented to do these scenes), you’re not doing anything wrong. A person’s porn preferences do not necessarily correlate to their real life desires.

A lot of people have rape fantasies, want to engage in ‘rape play,’ or enjoy watching/reading porn that includes depictions of rape. As long as all parties involved are consenting adults, there are basically no kinks I am opposed to or would label as wrong. Don’t beat yourself up, anon. It’s very common, even among rape survivors. As long as everything stays firmly in the world of pretend, it’s perfectly okay.

[Hi! So my boyfriend was texting me the other day and he said like, ‘I raped at pokemon the other day’. I asked him what he meant, because I thought there must have been a typo. He said ‘rape, you know, it means to do well’. I was appalled and proceeded to tell him that saying that was demeaning and made rape culture a joke. His response was, ‘sure, babe, I won’t say it anymore (to you)”. How do I make him understand that’s not okay? What are your thoughts on way gamers use the word rape? Thanks!]

I feel the same way about anyone using the word rape to mean something other than its true definition. I can’t stand it. It’s, as you said, demeaning, disrespectful, and sickening really. I think you just say that using the word this way makes it into a joke, and it normalizes the idea of rape, which ultimately leads to it becoming more commonplace. I think this post by Harriet J says it better than I could.