STFU, Rape Culture!

I received this email today from someone wishing to remain anonymous. It’s long, but please take a moment to read it if you can.

About a year ago, I was sitting at the main bus stop in my town, reading a book. A guy who was near me started talking to me. I tend to get a lot of shady-seeming guys hitting on me, and it’s not that I’m okay with this, but usually I’m just nice to them without flirting, and I set my boundaries in my mind and have a civil conversation unless they try to push those boundaries. So he asked my name, and I told him, he told me I was beautiful. He told me some bullshit about how he would sell me weed for cheap and that he had the movie of the book I was reading and I could come over and watch it on his big-screen TV and that he had extra tickets to an amusement park and I could go with him. For each of those I told him something along the lines of “no, that’s okay.” Anyways, we were talking on and off until the bus came, I didn’t really want to talk to him and was starting to feel uncomfortable and I kept reading. When the bus came I told him I had to go and he asked for a hug. I figured it was harmless, and back then I had just come out of the stage where I used to go around and hug strangers a lot (with consent, of course), so I figured it was okay. Except when I hugged him, he started kissing my neck and groping me. I tried to pull away and he didn’t let me. When he finally let me go, I don’t remember if I said anything but I went to the bus and I got on and I called the friend I had just been hanging out with, and I was freaking out a bit.

I know this isn’t a major occurrence and it wasn’t as bad as what could have happened to me, but I know that it changed me a little… all of my friends talk about how great being kissed on the neck is and I haven’t been in a relationship with anyone so that I could feel that, but the thought of it makes my skin crawl, and when I think about it I feel sad, angry and vulnerable and I want to go back in time and punch him so hard in the mouth that he shits teeth for days. After it happened I went home and I took a hot bath and I was so disgusted and yes, I felt violated. I reported it to the police with my mother’s help later that night, and even the officer who came kind of chided me about it when I got to the part of the story where I agreed to give him a hug. 

So that brings me to the point of my question (sorry this was so long, I don’t think I’ve ever really written or typed this story anywhere. I told a couple of my friends but it’s kind of hard for me), was it my fault that it happened to me because I hugged him? I know that if I hadn’t agreed to hug him, he wouldn’t have had the chance to do that (maybe he would have, but I doubt he would try something stupid like that at a bus stop surrounded by people- then again, you never know…), but at the same time, I never gave him consent to do that and I tried to pull away and he had honestly no right to do so. Then I’m also not sure whether the fact that I think I am taking this too seriously is part of rape culture, or whether I really am taking it too seriously. Thanks so much for blogging about what you do and for making your email address available. And thanks so much for taking the time to read this, and hopefully to answer. Sorry that it’s so long and thank you so much once again.

That man sexually assaulted you and you are definitely not taking it too seriously. Your feelings of anger and sadness about it are completely valid. This was a serious violation and I wish that cop had taken you more seriously/found the man. It sounds like you know intellectually that this wasn’t your fault, but you’re having a harder time believing it emotionally. If hearing someone else say it helps, this was 100% not your fault. He was pushy and inappropriate. You responded with politeness and you agreed to a hug when he requested. That is all that you agreed to. It doesn’t matter than maybe he wouldn’t have been ballsy enough to grab you if you had said no. You consented to one thing, he did another. He assaulted you and you share none of the blame for that.

To take it further, there are several ways in which rape culture contributes to assaults like this.

1. Society encourages sexual aggression in men, so they feel entitled to talk to and/or touch women regardless of their wishes.
2. Society encourages women to be submissive and normalizes public ownership over our bodies so many of us find it hard to refuse attention outright. We will go along even if we are uncomfortable and uninterested. If we don’t, we are often subjected to further verbal or physical harassment.
3. Sexual assault is so normalized that many people do not consider incidents of rape to be rape (i.e.: sex with a person who cannot give consent, groping or forcibly touching someone without penetrating them, etc).
4. Predators, like the man you encountered, are aware of this culture and they utilize it. He absolutely knew you didn’t want him touching you like that. He didn’t care and he knew he could get away with it.

I’m glad you shared this story and I hope that it helped you. It’s never a bother for me to get an email or a question sent to the tumblr so please, contact me any time. Followers, if you have any other words of support for anon, please share.

earthismostlyharmless:

I’m still waiting for Tumblr to get over this “Anti-Rape” Fad. It’s getting pretty old.

Douchebag of the day, ya’ll.

howtostopthinking:

When we existed as savage primates, sex mostly occurred as rape.

Although we’ve evolved much since then, this biological programming still resides within all of us, being present — and even dominant — in our societal constructs and serving as a foundation for how we interact with the opposite gender.

Actually, there’s really no evidence that there’s an evolutionary basis for rape. In future, maybe google a bit before you look like an ass on the internet?

jhonsebastien:

The most horrific invention since the Atom Bomb. Imagine an angry girlfriend with this, and one last session of angry break up sex…..over

HAR HAR SEXISM AND MISOGYNY. LOL RAPE JOKE.

Isn’t it so hilarious that at least 1 in 3 of South African women are raped and that their country has the highest incidence of child and baby rape in the world? Doesn’t it make you laugh your fucking ass off that they’ve had to resort to making devices like this because sexual violence is that. fucking. bad?

thepersonalispolitic:

stfurapeculture:

nygis:

Possible rape triggering below, please be advised.

“Eventual” consent is not true consent, in regards to having sex. Coercion and emotional manipulation are as bad as physical force. Anything less than 100% consent without pressure to consent from others is rape.

You are absolutely correct. Coercion is not only physical. It can take the form of emotional manipulation, nagging, etc.

Completely 100% agree!  [snip]

I removed the rest of your text because I’m not sure if you’re comfortable with me reblogging a personal story. But I wanted to say I can empathize a little with how you feel. I had sexual experiences as a teen that I only questionably consented to (felt uncomfortable but afraid to say no, was manipulated into it, etc). It wasn’t really until I began running this blog that I began to think about my own experiences. I think it’s something a lot of people struggle with, because it’s easier to hear a friend or a partner’s story and understand that they were abused. When it’s your own story, all that internalized victim-blaming rape culture crap is there and it makes you still feel like there was something you could have and should have done. It’s a constant unlearning process, for me and I suspect a lot of others also.

nygis:

Possible rape triggering below, please be advised.

“Eventual” consent is not true consent, in regards to having sex. Coercion and emotional manipulation are as bad as physical force. Anything less than 100% consent without pressure to consent from others is rape.

Someone on ONTD was saying that “nagging” someone until they gave in to your sexual advances was not technically rape because the other person eventually gives consent, but it is still, in their words, “douchy”. Other people also brought up that defining rape as including manipulation is basically saying “everything” is rape (in other words, throwing the word around in inappropriate contexts).

It made me feel conflicted and uncomfortable for a while after reading those comments, but what they said just doesn’t hold up to the ultimate definition of rape: sex without consent.

Am I right in thinking that there is no grey area concerning this issue? I honestly want some feedback.

You are absolutely correct. Coercion is not only physical. It can take the form of emotional manipulation, nagging, etc.

I am concerned for the person who said if we include manipulation then “everything” is rape. Sexual activity obviously can (and should!) occur free of manipulation. The only meaningful consent is freely given, uncoerced consent.

And people wonder why we say that we need education about rape! (But everyone already knows rape is wrong, blah blah). Obviously, we do not all know what constitutes rape and discussion on the subject is sorely needed.

I saw this ask on my phone and thought it was an ask they sent me. I thought about how I was going to respond to it all day. The good news is I was going to start with, “A better person to ask would be stfurapeculture.” So I still win!

Ahah, glad I could help then!

safercampus:

lawsonry:

**Trigger Warning** Rape apologists, rape naysayers, rape deniers

Mr. What About The Men
“The real problem here is all these false rape accusations that are destroying our society! 90 million men are falsely accused of rape every second! A woman just has to sort of mumble a word starting with ‘r’ and a man instantly gets a life sentence! There are no instances on record of a woman actually being raped!”

Ms. Tough Girl
“If women would learn martial arts—70-year-olds and women with disabilities can do this if they put their minds to it, darnit—and carry weapons everywhere, no one would ever get raped! All you have to do is be ready to threaten your own friends and lovers with lethal force at any moment, any anyone who can’t do that must be weak or something.”

Mr. Model Victims Only Please
“The victim was no angel herself. If you look at her record, she’s been arrested several times, she’s a single mother, and she’s living on welfare. So it’s not like she was some innocent little virgin beforehand. None of this makes it right, but I’m just saying, let’s not overreact like a good woman got ruined.”

Ms. Fashion Police
“Did you hear what she was wearing? I’m sorry but that’s just not common sense. If you go out looking like a piece of meat, you have to expect you’ll get treated like a piece of meat.”

Mr. I’m Not Blaming Her But It’s Her Fault
“Rape is never the victim’s fault, of course. But I just want people to admit that she has some responsibility. That she maybe played a part in it. That in an alternate universe where she’d done things differently and she lived in a steel Battlemech wearing a chastity belt, she wouldn’t have gotten raped, and she did make the choice to not use a Battlemech. I just need people to acknowledge that.”

Ms. Couples Therapy
“I dunno, seems to me like they both made mistakes. Maybe he just wasn’t reading her signals, or maybe she wasn’t communicating clearly to him. A lot can get caught up in an emotional moment like that and I bet they both feel really bad right now.”

Mr. Offensive And/Or Baffling Metaphor
“Look, if you walk down a dark alley with a wallet stuffed full of money, sure it’s still a crime when you get mugged, but what if the mugger is just trying to feed his family because he was laid off by an evil solicitor and the ghost showed him a lone crutch leaning in the corner?”

Ms. CSI
“If you put the pieces together, her story just doesn’t wash. She claims that he ripped her pants off, but her pants have a button fly. Ha! And she waited a whole forty minutes after the supposed rape to call the police—who would do that?”

Mr. Troll
“lol bitch deserved it loooollll”

Ms. You Don’t Just Get To Decide Whether You Consent
“She was seen earlier in the night drinking with this guy, talking to him, and even making out with him! And then she went up to his apartment! What did she think would happen? No one ever goes to a guy’s apartment unless they’re consenting to every sex act he could possibly want.”

Mr. How Do I Not Rape Someone It Is So Difficult
“I just don’t understand how to tell if someone is ‘consenting’ or not. What if she secretly decides she doesn’t like it—am I a rapist then? What if she changes her mind midway through? Or afterwards? It’s impossible to know what women want, so how am I supposed to know if they want to have sex with me or not?”

Ms. Traditional Values
“You know, back when women dressed modestly and simply didn’t go out drinking with strangers or going home with people they’d just met, this sort of thing didn’t happen.”

Mr. This Wouldn’t Happen If Women Would Just Fuck Me Already
“This sort of thing is inevitable when women constantly act as gatekeepers and doom beta males to a life of frustration and loneliness. Of course rape is horrible, but the pent-up rage felt by men cast aside just because they weren’t billionaire underwear models has to express itself somehow.”

Ms. Avoid The R-Word
“Wow, that is just not cool. Having sex under those circumstances—I mean, treating a girl like that—you know, being inappropriate with her—is a totally insensitive and downright mean thing to do.”

(Source: the Pervocracy)

uprightcitizens:

I hate how every person in the world likes to say that “murderers are the only ones in the wrong when it comes to murder.”

I’m not saying they aren’t in the wrong, but let me ask you this. How many people who stay locked in their houses have you seen affected by murderers? How many times has a person who was already playing dead been murdered? I’m not saying they never have been, but the number of agoraphobic shut-ins who have been killed is much less than the number of people who were walking around and talking and stuff.

The statement “You’re asking for it if you go around walking and talking” isn’t that far off, either. You go walking through a parking lot, you may not be asking for murder, but you’re asking for attention whether it’s good or bad. Let me tell you how many times I’ve been murdered when I was in my house with all the doors locked. Absolutely zero. Did doing this hinder my good time? No.

Also, not living-person shaming. I’m just saying. This bothers me all the time. Especially when I see people flipping their shit about how “one reporter said this that or the other about a murder victims activity as if it had anything to do with their being murdered.” I’ve got news for you, people. What you’re doing has just about everything to do with how you come off to people. No one looks at me, watching TV in my bed with the blinds pulled shut and thinks “I bet she’s a living person who wants to get murdered.” No, no. That’d be you, yes you, the person walking around the grocery store or jogging down the street like an idiot, that they think that about.

You win the internet today.

Not even as a response to victim blaming, just bringing it up in every day discourse. I love seeing men calling attention to rape culture!