March 2012
55 posts
STFURC is going on a short hiatus...
I’ll be out of town starting today and for most of the first two weeks of April. Please feel free to send me questions or submissions, just know it will take me a while to get to them (even longer than it already takes me!). :)
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Anyone interested in helping with a new project...
hiphopcheerleader is creating a tumblr for women of color who are sexual violence survivors. This blog will be a safe space for WOC to share your stories and get resources and support, and just generally provide a shared community. hiphopcheerleader is looking for people who would be interesting in discussing ideas, contributing to the blog, and/or possibly acting as co-admin. If anyone is...
cyanidespikedtea asked: Do: accept that there will be times we go through months of being okay, and then suddenly all hell breaks lose. It doesn't mean we're hopeless, it just means we're human. Don't: tell anyone without our express permission. We trusted you with something VERY complex and close to us. Sometimes we're not ready for the whole world to know yet. Do: remember that we really do...
cyanidespikedtea asked: Do: understand that sometimes we just can't handle physical contact. Even hugs can sometimes be too much. It's not you, sometimes we just need physical space to feel safe. Don't: get angry about it. I mean, don't be angry at the guy who did it, at least outwardly. I know with me, it scared the hell out of me and I wouldn't talk more about it for MONTHS. I didn't want...
Anonymous asked: For the anon seeking advice: when I told my boyfriend about my rape experience, he was very understanding and didn't blame me at all. He offered to talk about it whenever I feel like it, but doesn't force me to do so. He also stopped laughing at rape jokes and using the word rape to refer to things that weren't rape after I told him about my experience. I've told him about a...
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Advice for partners of survivors?
Anon asked:
Do you have any advice for men who are in relationships with someone who was raped?
I’ve been sitting on your question for a bit, I’m sorry. I think our followers can chime in and offer you some suggestions. That would probably be most helpful. But, some things to check out, for partners of survivors (because the partner and survivor can be of any gender!):
Support for...
Anonymous asked: Hi there - I'm writing a paper for my Feminist Anthropology class on visual representations of rape in popular media. Do you know of any sites that have a good collection of advertisements, pictures, shows, etc of rape culture? This would be super helpful! Thank you - Jessica
Anonymous asked: ok ignore those last two asks my computer is messing up bad. it's long so i'll do a submit. sorry.
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[TW Rape]
My boyfriend raped me. He forced me to give him a blowjob and then lifted me against a wall and had sex with me. He told me not to tell anyone anything that happens between us, ever. Now I’m acting like the perfect girlfriend. What’s wrong with me?
An anon sent me the link to this post. OP, if you are reading this, there is nothing wrong with you. You were betrayed by someone you...
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[TW rape culture]
Anon said:
My friend danced with my rapist last night and is now friends with him on Facebook. Am I being unreasonable for being annoyed at this? I feel that she has betrayed me and is very stupid as I have told her about him.
This is not unreasonable at all. She’s your friend, and she should support you. The very least she could do is not develop a relationship with someone who raped...
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[TW rape]
Anon said:
When I was 17 I went out on a date with this 21 year old guy& we decided to watch a movie at my house later when my parents weren’t home. I really did think it meant watch a movie, but he began moving my hand to his penis and trying to get me to give him a handjob. I was a virgin to everything before that night. He asked me over and over until eventually I said yes to having...
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[TW rape culture]
Anon said:
At school there was this boy who asked me to stay up in the common room with him because he had been sexiled, and no one else was up. I said yes, and we were sitting and talking for a while. He kept touching me and flirting with me, and I was pretty clearly not having any of it, taking his hands off of me and moving away. He leaned in to kiss me and I leaned away stating that he was...
Anonymous asked: One of the new brotips ("fifty no's followed by one yes still means yes.") realled worried me. Since most of their tips have something to do with sex, I think this could be taken as gospel by a lot of impressionable douchebags to mean that if they harass someone long enough or get that person drunk, that person is bound to say yes. It's a dangerous thing to tell the many...
morecoffee replied to your post: Anon asked: I had a similar experience to that…
The Canadian Women’s Health Network has a page of advice for this problem: cwhn.ca/fr/node… The tips look really useful.
They really do, thank you for sharing this. :) I’m going to add it to that post and also link it on the main tumblr.
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Anon asked:
I had a similar experience to that anon that asked about her doctor abusing her for an exam, and I was wondering if you had any tips about how to go about the next exam with a new doctor to prevent panic attacks from happening? Like should I mention it to the doctor beforehand? (I was also raped in the past so I have bad panic attacks)
Yeah, if you feel comfortable disclosing, it...
Anonymous asked: What is the difference between rape and sexual assault? Is rape a form of sexual assault or is it the same thing?
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[TW discussion of rape fantasies]
Anon said:
Many women in my life have suffered through violence and sexual abuse. I am so infuriated by it that I have committed my intellectual and emotional life to being an ally to women. However, I can’t help but feel wicked. In my heart of hearts, there are times when I find rape alluring or sexually arousing. This isn’t something I’ve ever openly admitted to anyone, and...
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[TW rape culture]
Anon asked:
This may sound stupid but how exactly can men be raped by women? Of course they can be penetrated with a dildo but I mean without that? Is it possible for women to rape men without using anything other than their bodies? I also mean aside from statutory rape. Because women can be forced into sex without arousal but men need to be aroused and erect. Example?
People of any gender can...
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http://projectunbreakable.tumblr.com/
Unbelievably powerful images.
STFURC: I follow the blog too. :) Trigger warning on that link. People send in a picture of themselves holding a card or paper with something their rapist said to them. It can be very triggering.
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[TW sexual assault, medical misconduct]
Anon said:
I think my doctor assaulted me. I went to the doctor for a routine checkup and she said I had to do my women’s health check. I didn’t want a vaginal exam at the time. I refused and refused until she finally wore me down. I recall being nervous and scared. I cried through the whole exam because it was uncomfortable and I was shaky the rest of the day. She didn’t even...
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[TW rape, rape culture]
Anon said:
I came face to face with my rapist in a club tonight after two years. It never bothered me much until recently when I learned that rape isn’t always as black and white as being chased down an alley. I always just thought of him as a bit pushy but I realised that since I explicitly said I didn’t want to have sex with him several times, he raped me. Seeing him tonight...
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[TW harassment]
Anon said:
Hi. I’m not sure if my case applies to the stuff you say here, but I don’t have anybody else to talk to and I don’t know what to do. You see: I wasn’t raped. But a very close friend of mine was, and he talked to me about it, last year - he said a mutual friend of ours had raped him while he was too drunk to fight back. I tried to convince him to report it or...
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YOU KNOW YOU LIVE IN RAPE CULTURE WHEN:
[TW rape culture]
missturdle:
You see a sign saying “I Always Get Consent.” advertising a dinner discussing the issues of sexual harassment, rape, and consent amongst the student body, and underneath those words someone has scrawled:
“—When she’s drunk.”
Well, that’s disgusting and yet relevant to my posts of the last two days. Ugh.
Anonymous asked: Hello, admin. You are an amazing person. That is all. Thank you. <3
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**Trigger warning for rape, degrading language,...
robot-heart-politics:
milkeemountainmama:
to me, the problem isn’t even the use of the word slut. it’s the shit that came around it. the “we want to see the sex tape” crap.
cuz you know what proceeds sexual violence for me? the *presumption* that specifically cis men have the right to see my body/demand things of my body based on them *paying* for something. as if my body being *used in a...
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[TW rape culture, victim blaming]
ifyougiveamouse asked you:
No, I didn’t say anything about victim blaming, and no victim was blamed. So I don’t know why you would put those words in my mouth. What I am saying is it isn’t very fair for two people to go to bed under the influence and for one person to wake up and say that since they regretted it and they wouldn’t normally do it had they not been under the...
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[TW rape]
Anon asked:
I consented to my rapist just so I could punish him by getting close enough to bite and tear at his face, and now he’s saying that if I try to press charges against him I’ll have no case and he’ll charge me with abuse since I pretended to give enthusiastic consent. What do I do?
I guess he could attempt to charge you with assault, but I would think your actions...
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[TW rape]
Anon said:
I have been (what I consider to be) raped by two people on multiple occasions, both of whom claim they were too drunk to remember what happened. I just can’t understand it- I don’t know if it’s even possible. It’s just one of those strange, murky situations. I have no idea what to think or do about it.
I think it’s possible. People can suffer memory...
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[TW rape culture, victim blaming]
ifyougiveamouse asked you:
I have only been following you for a little while now. After seeing some of your posts I have to wonder, do you ever tell anyone that it wasn’t rape? Because while a lot of the stories are most definitely rape, should regret count as rape? Lots of people have sex under the influence of alcohol when they should not. Lots of these people have sex with people they...
Anonymous asked: So if I submitted something I went through and it doesn't get posted, it's because it wasn't really rape/a survivor story? I'm just wondering since I sent something in where I wasn't sure what had happened to me.
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Anonymous asked: i'm not sure if my submission got through... do you have any long ones waiting in your queue (or inbox, or whatever)?
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[TW rape]
Anon said:
Around two years ago, I was in a long-term relationship. At age 20, I drank alcohol for the first time, and I got drunk at a party with our friends. I was starting to fall asleep, so my boyfriend took me to sleep in his room. I fell asleep, but when I woke up, I noticed I was naked and he was getting dressed. I am having trouble dealing with this, as one of my closest friends tried to...
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[TW rape]
Anon said:
I invited a guy to my party.He hit on me all night,though I was clearly interested in-and hooked up with-another guy.I let him&couple friends sleep over after. After everyone else passed out, he made me drink&talk&was blatantly hitting on me. Initially I was strong,but eventually I felt a bit cornered&hopeless. IDK what I’d said to make him suddenly push his face...
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[TW: rape]
Anon asked:
I was sexually abused by my former employer every day multiple times for two months, which I consider to be an assault because I didn’t want it at all and it broke me so much, but the thing is that I never asked him to stop cause I was deadly scared and also it was a live-in position and I was scared that if I tell something he would kick me out of the house and I had nowhere...
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[TW rape]
Anon said:
Some of the recent comments bugged me. I wasn’t drunk when I was raped but I was sick with pneumonia and heavily medicated. I don’t remember everything. What I do remember is pain and trying to push my attacker away but being too weak to and crying. The rest is a blur. A few comments were a bit triggering. I guess I just felt I needed to say this for myself or others: if...
under-the-kamanitree asked: In regards to the anon who got blackout drunk, a person under the influence cannot legally give consent (enthusiastically or unenthusiastically). Of course, this can change when the two partners our in a committed relationship (which, in this case, they weren't). But like you said, it's ultimately up to her if she wants to qualify it as rape.
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[TW rape]
Anon wrote:
in response to the recent topic of debate: i don’t know why everyone thinks all women are just lying about their experiences. i was drunk, i don’t remember what happened, but the guy who i woke up with was someone i would NOT have had done anything with while sober. he took advantage of my drunken state. being drunk is not a yes. it’s a no. if people follow the rule...
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[TW rape]
Anon said:
Hello. I am the anon who got blackout drunk. To explain things a bit further… I’ve talked with the guy it happened with… He told me he was tipsy but could remember it all. He said what happened was that we went upstairs, started kissing, got naked, and I performed oral sex on him and then we had sex. He said he didn’t regret any of what happened, even when I reminded him that I have...
Anonymous asked: I sent in an ask but I don't know if you got it. My computer's been weird lately. It's fine to leave stuff up, I just sent that in because I wanted to clarify some things to the people who have been sending you asks.
Anon who sent in the original story...
You just contacted me. Would you like me to delete all the posts related to your original ask? I am happy to take it down—I don’t want you to be further upset about it. Please let me know!
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[TW victim blaming, rape culture, rape]
Anon #1 said:
But what if the guy also has a memory loss, was intoxicated etc., what if all the things you said about the girl could be applied for the guy as well? I mean, they were both drunk and I don’t think the guy started it, it could have happened spontaneously, without “the guy taking advantage of her”, especially when she mentioned there were flirting goin on. Why...
Anon said:
I find people argue about distinctions of rape because more people than are willing to admit have engaged in some exploitive behavior, or witnessed it, and have tried to relegate it to some secret part of their brain/memory. They don’t want to admit they were tempted to grope a passed out girl in college, so they defend fucking rapists.
Well, I’m sure there are people...
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[TW rape culture, rape]
Anon #1 said:
Ok, what if the boy was also drunk, also refers to it as a “rape” and would have never done it while sober? Calling him a rapist although you don’t know the actual situation (since the girl herself said she cannot recall it) seems a bit unappropriate, no?
Anon #2 said:
This is something I’ve wanted to know for awhile. If two people are both drunk enough...
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clementineford replied to your post: alpacazen replied to your post: alpacazen replied…
“any time a person sobers up and realizes something happened they would not have consented to without the influence of drugs or alcohol, that’s rape.” I think you’re conflating two issues here.
How so? Sexual activity without consent is rape. People who are impaired by alcohol or drugs cannot give...
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Anon said:
I agree with what you said about sex with teens (ugh, “romantic company”) but what would you say the line is? Like what if you start in a teen relationship but then one of you turns 18? My boyfriend and I kept having sex for the 6 months that I was 18 and he was 17.
I’ve had this for a couple days, in regard to this post. The line is wherever your individual state...
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ana-coluthia:
stfurapeculture:
alpacazen replied to your post: alpacazen replied to your post: TW: rape how would…
This is a serious question, sorry! I mean, what if he was drunk too? I’m by no means saying it was her fault, I am just curious. I know I have done stuff (sexually) while I was blacked out and I blacked in right in the middle.
The problem with having sex with drunk people is that...
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alpacazen replied to your post: alpacazen replied to your post: alpacazen replied…
What… but if the guy was drunk also, then couldn’t he say that he also did not consent? Neither partner is able to give consent, how could one define the rapist of the crime? I am still confused, sorry, I’m just trying to understand.
Then anon asked:
what if he was also blacked out and also says he...
Anon said:
My cousin raped and molested me, my brother, his sister, and I have a hunch about his own children. Recently my mother told him to formally apologize to all of us after years of his denial. I’m so afraid now that he has my address (given to him by my aunt) and I can’t sleep or focus in school. I don’t know what I’ll do if he finally admits to the years of...
Anon whose parents are being very...
I am afraid I accidentally deleted your ask. Can you please resend? If I don’t hear from you, I’ll respond to what I remember of your ask, but would rather your own words be heard.
If you’re out there, please resend!