No, I don’t hate men.
It would, however, be fair to say that I don’t easily trust them.
My mistrust is not, as one might expect, primarily a result of the violent acts done on my body, nor the vicious humiliations done to my dignity. It is, instead, born of the multitude of mundane betrayals that mark my every relationship with a man—the casual rape joke, the use of a female slur, the careless demonization of the feminine in everyday conversation, the accusations of overreaction, the eyerolling and exasperated sighs in response to polite requests to please not use misogynist epithets in my presence or to please use non-gendered language (“humankind”)…
These things, they are not the habits of deliberately, connivingly cruel men. They are, in fact, the habits of the men in this world I love quite a lot.
All of whom have given me reason to mistrust them, to use my distrust as a self-protection mechanism, as an essential tool to get through every day, because I never know when I might next get knocked off-kilter with something that puts me in the position, once again, of choosing between my dignity and the serenity of our relationship.
Swallow shit, or ruin the entire afternoon?
It can come out of nowhere, and usually does. Which leaves me mistrustful by both necessity and design. Not fearful; just resigned—and on my guard. More vulnerability than that allows for the possibility of wounds that do not heal. Wounds to our relationship, the sort of irreparable damage that leaves one unable to look in the eye someone that you loved once upon a time.
This, then, is the terrible bargain we have regretfully struck: Men are allowed the easy comfort of their unexamined privilege, but my regard will always be shot through with a steely, anxious bolt of caution.
This was written 5 years ago and I still come back to read it a couple of times of year. I have yet to read anything else that does a better job of describing the complicated feelings I have about the men in my life — friends, family, lovers, partners, colleagues, mentors, and so on, all of whom i love and respect, and all of whom have hurt me in the manner described above.(via veruca-assault)
I’m the anon that was raped by an acquaintance four years ago. Just recently I was on Facebook, and checked my “other” message folder and found that 2 years ago my rapist messaged me. He said “hey you’ve had me blocked forever lol what’s the deal?” I am shocked that anyone could have that much casual disconnect after violently raping someone, and I have no idea how to respond or if I even should. Is it common for rapists to act like this?
That must have been horrifying. I’m not totally sure, but I would be willing to bet this happens not too uncommonly. There are a lot of rapists who literally don’t think they did anything wrong, because we trot out one type of rape as THE definition and everything else is the victim’s fault. Anyone else have these kind of experiences?
my ancestral grandmother was kidnapped and raped by a white man at the age of 13. she was kept in an “Indian pen” and one of her children was murdered by this man. that story has haunted my family for generations and we have still not come to terms with being descendants of that horrific violence.
i am a Native woman survivor of domestic violence and rape. i can’t even tell you how many times i’ve been raped because i don’t know; i have been drugged and date raped multiple different times by multiple different men. two of those men called me Pocahontas (even though i look nothing like the Disney character!), and told me they couldn’t wait to fuck me because they thought all Indians are dead, and since we’re dying out I’m probably the last opportunity they’ll get.
i work for a Native woman’s organization that fights violence against Native women by advocating for policy changes, pushing for community dialogue on healthy relationships & violence, & supporting survivors of violence and tribal programs that provide support. i have heard & read stories, both at work and in my personal life, that made me puke. the realities of violence against Native women are so dark, sometimes to cope i have to set aside a few hours for prayer. i sit and cry and pray and cry and pray until i fall asleep exhausted. i carry each story and each photo and each girl and woman with me everywhere i go and in all the work i do. i don’t get to leave my work life at work, and i don’t want to; my work and my community and my personal life and my heart are all in the same place.
this is all to say that i am deeply invested in dialogue on violence against Native women. as a Cheyenne, i am from a culture that is often appropriated from (hipster headdresses being the most common example); that said, it still pains and disturbs me to see people casually throw out statistics on the violence that i & so many of our Native sisters have experienced in defense of the sanctity of a headdress, when so few are defending the sanctity of Native women. the 1 in 3 stat doesn’t even come close to doing justice to the realities of violence against Native women, and reciting it doesn’t do anything to support the women that make it up or end the patterns of violence set in place.
where are the NCAI commercials on the lack of justice for indigenous women? where are the trending hashtags that fight for a world in which Native women are treated with dignity and respect? where are the hordes of people in the streets demanding that the government address the widespread trafficking of Native women, create a comprehensive database of missing & murdered indigenous women, or actually pass a VAWA amendment that would grant tribes jurisdiction over ALL cases of violence against our women, and not just those in which the victim can prove it was intimate partner violence? true warriors are those who fight with their people in their hearts, who first and foremost defend the most endangered of their community—the Indian Wars of the 19th century started with the rape and murder of several Lakota women, and even when the Lakota had decided to stop fighting, they rejoined after they heard of the gendered violence at the Sand Creek massacre. don’t forget that! fighting for our nations has always been fighting for the honor and safety of our women, so step up and be a real warrior already.
There is nothing particularly militant or radical about the idea that adults should not be able to have sex with people under the age of consent.
There should be nothing radical about the concept of protecting kids and young teens from predators, or supporting them when they have the courage to talk about what a predator has done to them.
And if you are so invested in the belief that young teens are free agents in total control of sex with adults that you need to tell strangers on the internet about it, I am going to assume you’re probably a rapist.
trans “women” have gained so much traction/such a subordinate following among libfems because they are men who are used to getting their way, and that’s the way they act around women
this seems glaringly obvious to me
This is NOT obvious. Trans women ARE women. Why, you ask??? Because they say so and I believe them.
Stop making enemies of allies and concentrate on REAL problems like patriarchy and rape culture!
I don’t want allies that use their penises to rape females as frequently as “cis” males do
Trans women ARE allies, I don’t care how many links you can find. This is because women rape other women. Women rape men. YES men rape women wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy more often than women rape other women or men, but we cannot make that the defining factor of which genders to support and which not to, or clearly, we won’t be able to support anyone at all.
Cringing at the use of ‘allies’ here. Allies to me implies other than us, and trans women are not other than us. They are us.
As for the rest of this horrible thread, while I know that arguing with a transphobe like this is relatively pointless… I don’t see a single shred of evidence in that article to suggest that trans women rape other women with the frequency of cis men. The article discusses violent crime, of which sexual offenses were one of several mentioned, and it does not break it down further than that. There’s also the fact that trans women, particularly trans women of color, are often arrested and convicted on ridiculous charges, and/or self defense. Once jailed, trans women are often abused and/or raped.
Plus, you know, trans women face disproportionately high rates of physical assault and sexual assault and trans people have severely decreased life expectancies, but please tell us more about how you care about rape survivors and you’re really just concerned about that.
the Lakota woman who was raped as an inmate at Fall River corrections facility (South Dakota) is testifying against the white male guard that raped her today; please send prayers of support and love her way, as what she is about to do can be traumatizing and promises to be emotionally challenging.
Fuck the police
- New York Times’ report on the Rotherham Child Abduction and Abuse Crisis
- Independent inquiry into child sexual exploitation in Rotherham
- An editorial by Hugh Muir of The Guardian about the failure of the Rotherham authorities to prosecute the perpetrators because of the fear of being branded as racists.
- Theden’s investigative article on the Rotherham Child Abduction and Abuse crisis
- The Telegraph’s report on the Rotherham Child Abduction and Abuse crisis
- BBC’s Timeline on the Rotheham Child Abduction and Abuse crisis (Very Informative!)
- Why you should care about the Rotherham Child Abduction and Abuse crisis
- [Read At Your Own Risk] An article describing how the grooming process is done by the perpetrators of the Rotherham Child Abduction and Abuse Crisis
- Rotherham: In the face of such evil, who is the racist now?
- An account from one of the survivors of the Rotherham Child Abduction and Abuse crisis
- [Read At Your Own Risk] Another account from one of the survivors of the Rotherham Child Abduction and Abuse crisis
- Rotherham inquiry: the ‘PC gone mad’ defence is itself a form of racism (Editorial by Jonathan Freedland of The Guardian)
- [Read At Your Own Risk] Yet another proof that there has been great mishandling with the Child Abduction and Abuse Crisis in Rotherham; Police arrests victim instead of the perpetrator
- Editorial on the Rotherham crisis by Ross Douthat of the New York Times
- What you can do to help
- [Latest development as of Sept. 9, 2014] One of the perpetrators of the Rotherham Child Abduction and Abuse crisis has been charged
- Editorial on the Rotherham crisis by Suzanne Moore of The Guardian
- 'You let my sister be murdered, you let us be groomed. You should be out': Fury of Rotherham abuse victim as she demands shamed police commissioner Shaun Wright quits his post
We need to spread awareness on this one so please reblog and feel free to add more helpful information to this post.
Thank you to the reader who sent me this info. This is truly horrifying. Please be careful when checking these links. Trigger warning for rape, child abuse, rape culture, etc.