One of my best friends was raped and told me about it. I have never told them that a few months before that, I was raped, too. Sometimes I want to tell my friend just so they don’t feel so alone, so that they understand that when I say things it’s not just because I’m spouting bullshit but I’ve been there. But I’m afraid of, I don’t know, triggering my friend, or somehow causing a bad reaction… what are reasonable outcomes and what should I do? :/
While I admire your concern for your friend, you are both survivors, and you should be able to confide in her as she confided in you. You don’t have to tell her a lot of detail unless she asks, but I think it’s perfectly okay to tell her that you were raped too. I think you should just tell her you want to talk about something, that you were raped too and you didn’t mention it before because [whatever your reason], but you wanted her to know she wasn’t alone.
i constantly struggle with accepting my rape, and talking to others about it because it wasn’t what most people picture when they think about rape. I was 15 and black out drunk. I had said no earlier in the night, before he managed to get me so drunk i could barely walk. I didnt even realize that it was rape until over a year later. because i was so bullied and tormented for it, while he just laughed about it with his friends. even my current boyfriend doesnt seem to believe me and that sucks.
I’m so sorry. I don’t know why people are so resistant to the fact that sex with someone who is intoxicated is rape. If your boyfriend, or any of your friends or loved ones for that matter, does not 100% believe and support you as a survivor, he doesn’t deserve to be in your life.
so, i’m traveling to visit my girlfriend for the first time. we’ve dated 6 months but have never met (internet). we’ve talked about sex and while she says she’s very enthusiastic, i’m still worried. i’m worried that the amount of money i’m spending to see her will make her feel obligated and she won’t be in a position to genuinely consent. i’ve brought it up before, but she’s gotten mad about it. she thinks it means i don’t trust her consent. the truth is, i’ve given consent when i didn’t want to, to perfectly nice people, who did nothing wrong. and when i lied about wanting to have sex…i was pretty convincing. i really regret doing it. and i’m scared of her doing the same thing. i don’t want to rape her. i really want our sex life to be happy and fulfilling…but i’d be okay with it being non-existent too. how can i be 100% sure she’s giving enthusiastic consent and isn’t just humoring me because she loves me?
Well, I don’t think that you flying to see her is necessarily going to make her feel obligated. I think you have done everything you can to reassure her that you don’t mind if you guys don’t have sex. Have you told her why you’re worried about this? Just keep being vocal that you don’t mind if she doesn’t feel ready yet. Ultimately I think that you need to trust her. I understand why she gets mad about this, because she’s telling you she knows her own mind and is capable of telling you what she wants, and you’re doubting that. All you can do is try to be alert to her non verbal cues, check in verbally, and go slowly. It will be okay!
Be honest: You don’t give a shit about rape victims.
You don’t fucking care.
You make excuses for the rapists all the damn time.
This is about policing women’s bodies and telling them to just ‘shut up and stop complaining about your rape because you deserved it’
As a survivor of campus sexual assault, and as someone who became a feminist and an activist after my own experience of institutional apathy towards my attacks, I feel conflicted. I am so glad that this serious issue is getting more attention, but I am increasingly frustrated and almost scared by the lack of diversity that I see in the survivors receiving national media attention. As I look at photos and watch the media appearances of these resilient, brave survivors I can’t help to feel invisible. I browse a network of campus rape survivors who are working to combat institutional apathy towards rape victims and struggle to find other women of color who are like me.
Why does the representation of survivors in the media matter? Validation of black women of survivors would go against the jezebel stereotype that, in fact, black women are not all sexually insatiable creatures and can be raped. It would challenge attitudes that black women are more to blame for being survivors of sexual and domestic violence and that being raped is just as serious as if they were any other color. An important message that media attention on rape survivors means that “you matter.” Do not other survivors — whether they are men, of color, poor, LGBTQ, gender non-conforming matter, too?
What has contributed to young white women being the face of rape survivors in media? I do not know. It may be a reflection of our culture to be more sympathetic to white female survivors as talking about rape and rape culture in mainstream media becomes more prevalent (a sort of extension of “missing white woman syndrome”). It could be general distrust or fear of the mainstream media to properly tell our stories. Or maybe no one wants to listen. When I first was trying to get attention to my story, I remember reporters, producers, and magazines alike asking me to rehash the painful details of my story only to pick to feature other survivors: all of them pretty, female, and white.
A while ago a friend (a guy I have a lot of mutual friends with and always ended up hanging out with) and I ended up making out in our underwear after a night out drinking. We were both really drunk. I remember him touching me and trying to make me touch his penis. (it was the first time I’ve ever had sexual contact with anyone). I said I didin’t feel comfortable and he stopped. The thing is that I remember him waking me up by trying again and again and touching me again. I said no and he would stop but then try again. (He might have tried 3,4 times until he stopped completely). It didin’t bother me first, he asked me if I was ok with everything that had happend the day after. We fooled around one more time after that when I gave him my consent. It has started to bother me a lot lately, even if he was just trying and it didin’t really lead anywhere. Am i overreacting? I don’t think he’s a bad guy but it makes me feel weird.
No, you’re not overreacting. A refusal should be respected the first time you give it. If someone keeps touching you repeatedly and you have to keep saying no, that is sexual assault. This is an issue because a lot of people think that even if you said no three times, and finally you give in on the fourth, it is consent. But in reality, consent that is given after you see that your answer is not going to be respected is not really consent.
You don’t have to think or feel any specific way about what happened—I just want you to know that if you feel weird or bothered about this—that’s not an overreaction.
A couple of days ago I went out at a hookah bar and guy there asked me to sit on his lap and I said no, and then he’s like lets go down stair and I kept on saying no I just want to go to bed, and then he just picked me up and carried me down there and then raped me, I then got up and then left I had to call everybody or anybody to come pick me up I was crying, and I just said I had a bad time what should I do?
First, I would say go to your doctor, or to a place like Planned Parenthood, so you can get medically checked out (for things like STDs and/or pregnancy). It might also help to talk with a rape crisis counselor about what happened, because I think it’s usually better to talk about your feelings and have some help when you’re processing something traumatic like this. You don’t have to tell anyone you know in real life, if you don’t want to or you’re not ready. Legally, if you want to, you can also file a report with the police. If you’re unsure, this is something a counselor could help you think about and decide as well. I’m so sorry this happened to you. Followers, if you have anything else helpful to suggest to anon, please chime in!
Personally, I’d drop him, but I probably am quick to cut people out of my life b/c I’m done with putting up with other people’s shit. /badatadviceMore like super awesome at advice. Ditto for oohsarracuda (awesome name by the way) and scooterpiebanana.
Anon who just sent me a message that started with,
continued: the truth is,
I don’t have the first one! :( Re-send?
Hello, I’m having a little trouble with a friend who uses “rape” as a metaphor for completely unrelated things. I finally called him out on it last night and we fought. He’s a really good friend and I’ve known him for 15 years! Deep down he has a good heart but he’s still in the 12-year old boy mentality it seems. I don’t want this to ruin our relationship, but I want to establish to him that he shouldn’t devalue the word by using it inappropriately. What else can I do to get my message across?
Following up about my friend who uses rape as a metaphor - he told me that I was overreacting and that it was MY problem that I was offended by his use of the word. I have no idea what to say to that.
People ask me a lot what to do about their douchey friends to make them less douchey, and I never really have an answer because I just cut people off when they act like this. You already tried to explain it and he somehow managed to act even worse. Other people have suggestions?
I am female and almost 17 years old and my adoptive dad likes messing with me. Tickling, picking me up, giving me inappropriate wedgies, etc. He pulls my underwear all the time when roughhousing; I don’t like it, especially when he gives me “frontal wedgies” by yanking my underwear up the front of my crotch, and that hurts. I always tell him to stop, I don’t always like roughhousing, but he either ignores me or asks playfully, “Why?” A few weeks ago, he tried taking my pants off and nearly took my underwear off; I had to hold them to keep them from coming off. I have several pieces of underwear that have rips in the seams from him yanking on them. I don’t like it; rather than laughing at the games, it comes out as a sort-of weird whimper-laughs. I hate laughing, but tickling just does that. I’ve never told my adoptive mom any of these things, how it makes me uncomfortable, because we do not have much any kind of good relationship. I almost know for sure she’d just tell me off. I have four younger adoptive sisters, only one of which is biologically my folks’. I’m 17, my sisters are 14, 8, 5 and 3. I don’t know what to do; I’m simply just posting this here because I don’t know where else to.
I am leaving you anon because I am not sure you want your name attached. Please let me know and I can update this.
I have tried to consider whether there was any way that this is a case of a parent being a goofball who doesn’t really understand where appropriate boundaries are. Ultimately I think he has behavior that is definitely violating some boundaries that should be there—and I think your discomfort is the best evidence that something is really wrong. I think parents should generally respect their children’s bodily autonomy and not touch them in any way that they don’t want—but especially when we’re talking about someone your age, it seems really inappropriate for your adoptive dad to give you wedgies, and certainly the pulling your pants almost off thing is really frightening.
To me, this kind of behavior could be grooming—which is when someone preying on a minor will start small and then gradually escalate their behavior. It makes it hard to know exactly when the line is being crossed, because if you start complaining as soon as you are the slightest bit uncomfortable, you are likely to be discounted and have people tell you that you’re overreacting. Taking your pants off seems to have been a progression in his behavior. I can’t imagine how scary this must feel, and I am so sorry that you are dealing with this.
I think help from other adults could be good—both for you and for your younger sisters (not sure from your message if his behavior is centered on you, or he does this with them too).
In regard to your adoptive mom—I think there is a chance that she could take your feelings seriously if you talked to her, and intercede for you. Even if you don’t have the best relationship, most parents (I hope most anyway), would take this kind of thing seriously. But it’s true that some people are in denial (especially when their spouse is the abusive one), and she may not. You could also talk to a teacher or an adult at school that you feel comfortable with. People working in schools are typically mandated reporters, and they are required to report suspected abuse to authorities.
If that isn’t what you want, is there a friend’s parent that you could talk to, or another relative in your family who could help you? You’re speaking up for yourself, which is already really difficult (and you are very brave to be able to do it!), but I would like to see someone else helping you. You shouldn’t have to handle it alone. And if he knows that his behavior is being noticed, that may intimidate him into stopping.
I wish I had something more to offer. I can talk to you anytime, if there is anything I can do to help you. Please just ask. Even if just to talk.
Does anyone have other suggestions to help?